.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Haiku Tuesday! Holiday Edition




It's that time of year
Dressing your animal weird
Here I come, dog hell.

Poor, poor, Lola...is SUCH a good girl for all my twisted doggie costumes.

Who else Haiku's? Go here.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Could it be?




Check out the death trap that has formed along the roof line on my house, which just happens to be right outside my back door. Could this be the preamble to "Jenni's Brush With Death Part V?"

I guess you'll just have to stay tuned to find out...

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A shout out to my peeps...

Thank you Mother Nature for dumping 8-10 inches of snow on us over the last couple of days.

Thank you City of Minneapolis for not plowing my street until 11:30 last night making it almost impossible for the rollerskate to exit onto 34th Ave.

Thank you Volkswagen for making the 2000 Cabrio a force to be reckoned with.

Thank you lady in the grey Volvo turbo station wagon who almost caused a multi car pile up on 35w southbound. You're inability to multitask while talking on your cell phone, and operating a moving vehicle with complete disregard for the safety of others left me no choice but to reprimand you with my finger and horn. Bitch.

Thank you Baffin for making your boots. Although completely non-fashionable, they keep my feet dry, and toasty, while I trudge through the snow to visit my clients.

Thank you Metabolife Ultra, for making an ephedra free caplet which allows me to get my caffeine fix without the heroin-like withdrawals.

And Finally...Thank You guy at the gym who in last nights class thought you were the Step Aerobics God, and then fell off your step crashing loudly to the floor causing a HUGE scene and then got up and left the studio out of what must have been sheer embarrassment. That was sweet.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Things I've Learned...Holiday Edition.

This morning while I was in the locker room at the gym something dawned on me. As I gazed at the plethora of Lancome product that covered the counter space of my mirror buddy I thought to myself "Man, what we women do to make ourselves beautiful." Which was funny, since right after I thought that the woman looked at me and asked, "Do you ever look at everything you put on each and every morning and wonder if you really need all this stuff?" I laughed and agreed. She was right, and so was I. Here are some other things I learned this week...



1). Some things should be left acronymless. Like the "Planned Unit Development" committee of Oak Park Heights. (See above).

2) Instant: instantaneous: occurring with no delay; "relief was instantaneous"; "instant gratification"
"Valvoline Instant Oil Change" is by no means instant. But then again, "Valvoline Relatively Speedy Oil Change" just sounds weird.

3). Just because it was 1 degree yesterday, and it's 20 degrees today does not make it warmer, possibly more tolerable, but definitely not warmer. The word warm should be reserved for temperatures above 70 degrees.

4). The VW Cabrio can go from 0 to 60 in just under 15 seconds, which seems like 25 minutes when racing a 740i.

5). Just because one may own spandex does NOT mean they should wear it. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.

6). Sitting in the sauna for 5 minutes in a wool coat will most definitely help your extremities thaw...quickly.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Haiku Tuesday! Already?

Holy Shit! It's here?
Haiku Tuesday has arrived.
This is all you get.



Who else Haiku's? Go here.

Friday, December 02, 2005

The Great Liquid Liner Debocle



I don't know what got into me. It's not like it looks like it could be that hard, liquid eyeliner, that is. I decided to trade in my traditional Clinique crayon eyeliner for this newfangled, retro, liquid eyeliner, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was it's appeal and promise of a look much like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, or the ease and grace at which the cosmetic lady applied it to my lid, but when I went to put it on this morning the results were more like Courtney Love twelve cocktails deep at the VMA's.
Whatever, I guess I'll just have to practice and hope that things turn out better next time. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Haiku Tuesday! Ode to Cornholio



Gimme some coffee
My name is Cornholio
It's for my bunghole


I know, I know, a sad, sad day in the history of Haiku's. Sorry.

Who else Haiku's? Go Here

Monday, November 28, 2005

Gettin Jiggy Wit It...



This morning was a Monday morning from hell. Not only is it raining, and cloudy, and crappy, I also started it off on the wrong foot all together. Now, some of you may be wondering, "Jen, why in the hell did you post a picture of two of the three plastic lawn ornament wisemen getting it on in the front yard of someone's home?" I'll get to that in a minute. But, first let's start off with my morning...

I woke up for my Monday morning 5:45AM Step/Sculpt class and it was business as usual. I had to move Josh's car in order to get my car out of the driveway, and after slamming his door at least six times to try and shut it (the latch is broken) I just decided to screw it, get into my car and leave. As I'm backing out of the driveway, into the street, The Rollerskate stops. Just stops. I tried to start it...nothing...tried to start it again...nothing. So, I walked into the house to recruit Josh (who is sleeping) to help me move my car out from the middle of the street. He then proceeds to bitch me out for slamming his door 6 times when all I have to do is...yadda, yadda, yadda...Did I ever tell you nothing gets past this man? He's sleeping ferchrissakes and he can STILL hear me beat the shit out of this car door!

Anyway, we move it from the middle of the street and it is now parked on the side of the street, left for me to deal with. Which brings me to the above picture. I had to drop Josh off at the train this morning so I could take his car and while I was driving home I saw what appeared to me as a mound of plastic lawn ornament wisemen. After looking closer I realized that that's no "mound" of plastic lawn ornament wisemen, that's two plastic lawn ornament wisemen in a compromising position on some dude's front yard! Fortunately, I had my camera phone with me to take a picture and share it with you, because how could I not!

And not only is this a manger scene...but it's a politically correct manger scene. I don't know if you can tell, but the dude on the bottom is a brotha...Hmmmm...a little jungle love going on at "50th and Bethlehem."

Let's all just be thankful that this nice Holiday Spirited citizen didn't put Santa in his sleigh up on the roof of the manger scene...because that would be just plain kinky.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Haiku Tuesday! *Gobble Gobble



Turkey Day is near
Mashed potato filled bliss dawns
Elastic waist pants



Who else Haiku's? Go Here!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

The Pizza of the Future


He's not your average pizza delivery guy. Dressed in what appears to be a helment found in the basement of your moms house, and an outfit that would cause even the most distinct trend setter to contract a bad case of whiplash, he's there...in a flash to your doorstep with just one push of the speed dial button on your telephone.

Last Sunday Josh came home with a craving for a pizza, so he ordered it from this place That's right...Galactic Pizza. And the answer is "Yes!" Weather permitting* they really do dress like the guy in the above photo and drive your pizza to your house in their little electric cars.

And the best part about it, besides their environmentally conscious vehicles is this:

~All of the power purchased to run our restaurant is renewable wind energy.
~All of our mozzarella cheese comes from cows not treated with rBGH growth hormones.
~We have incorporated a number of organic items into the menu.
~We have the Second Harvest Heartland pizza, where $1 is donated to this hunger relief organization every time the pizza is ordered.
~We strive to use packaging that is either made from recycled materials, or is 100% biodegradable.
~We incorporate hemp products into each menu category, and print our menu on hemp paper. Hemp is not only good for you, it is also very good for the Earth.
~In season, we try to purchase all of our produce from farms here in Minnesota or in nearby Wisconsin.
~We have an in depth waste reduction program utilizing pig farms for food waste and recycling whenever possible.
~5% of our after tax profits are donated to charity.

So it's like "Pizza with a Purpose!" How awesome is that? So next time you're in Minneapolis around Lake Street and Lyndale Ave go to Galactic Pizza and do something good for yourself and the planet!

*I am assuming weather permitting means no snow or severe weather...much like the 16 degree day we are having today...yuck!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Haiku Tuesday!




Snow is on its way
Covering familiar
Winter surrounds me



OK, well the snow hasn't actually made it to Minneapolis yet, but it's on it's way! And I'm kind of excited about that. Snow that is. But just wait until January 2nd...and then see how excited I am about snow. I'll take it for the Holiday's and then it can all just go away.

(The above picture was taken at Minnehaha Creek which is right by my house in Minneapolis...I got it from this site that has a pretty awesome phototour of the Minneapolis area.)

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Is it just me or....

Do you ever take pictures of yourself after you have gotten ready to see how you really look? You don't? Well, anyway, I sometimes do and I was taking my picture and look what happened...my camera went funky and created this weird sort of Jenni collage. Was my camera trying to tell me something? I didn't break it, becuase every picture I've taken since has been fine. Weird.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Jenni's Pet Retreat and Dog Spa...Day 4.


I'm waiting for FEMA to call me back and for Bush to deem my living room a disaster area. Notice the blankets on the couch, dog toys strewn about in what used to be my living room...it's simply terrifying. And every once in a while, when I look out of my office door into the catastrophe I see Lola scooting across the floor with Gretske right behind, trying to hump her...poor Lola.

Laddie has chosen to sit most of this morning outside away from the eye of the storm. Smart dog.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Haiku Tuesady #2


The Dog Sitter

Peace and quiet left

With the last owner's door slam

My sanity gone.




What you don't see in this picture is Laddie. So, two sat dogs, plus my Lola (look how cute she is looking at the camera...what a ham)=one stressed out dog sitter. But it's worth every moment, to realize that I DO NOT need to adopt another dog, I can just sit them!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

CAPTION CONTEST!




"So, I was driving to work the other day, and this dick in a truck pulled out infront of me..."

"Little did Bob know that his backseat driver would be such a huge dick."

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Haiku Tuesday! *New!

It's Haiku Tuesday everone! Thanks to Libby we have something to look forward to every Tuesday...in the Haiku form! This weeks Haiku was actually written by Josh a couple of years ago in honor or Halloween, so I thought we'd start with that.

It's entitled: Halloween Haiku: By Josh.



October morning
A fresh breath of air to breathe
Candy is near me.



And for those of you who didn't come to our door last night for treats, this is what you missed...Josh in Damian's Stewy head handing out candy. It was quite a hit with the adults.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!



Just a quick little note from Lola to wish everyone in blogland a Happy and Safe Halloween!



What choo lookin at...Willis.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Which is More Scary?

(Que cheesy game show music)

And now the first (and quite possibly the last) edition of "Which is More Scary" brought to you by your friends at "Swank or Skank!"

Is it A:

The festering bucket of food that was recently found in the very back of Jenni's fridge...

Or is it B:

Damian parading around the house in his new scary Burger King man mask?

Jenni: I'd have to go with A, Bob, because honestly, I have NO CLUE what is in that container and have absolutely NO RECOLLECTION of putting it in the fridge.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Jenni's Brush With Death; Part IV Unplugged



They always seem to happen so fast, my brushes with death. Until last night, as I tripped over one of Lola’s toys and I found myself falling endlessly into my target, right arm protecting my face as it broke my fall against the glass part of the door, all in slow-motion. It wasn’t until I actually hit the glass that time caught up with me and I was there, in the relative present surrounded by glass and bleeding from my hand.

“Holy Shit!” I said aloud as I assessed the damages, and as Lola scampered to the safety of the living room. “You have GOT to be kidding me!” I said with a crazed sense of being, after all, my “Brush With Death Part III” was only yesterday, and “Part II” was only a couple months ago.

So I did what any sane person at the time, surrounded by glass wouldn’t do…I stepped over the glass, grabbed Lola and took her for a walk. It was there, in the outdoors I could gain back my sanity, assess the damages, and devise a plan to repair the broken door. After, of course I call Danika to tell her of my “Brush with Death.” Because what are friends for, if not to help gather your sanity and put things into perspective when you need perspective the most? Oh, yeah, and offer to buy you a sweet padded room and padded suit when they win the lottery!

P.S. If you can't tell, there is a huge hole in the window in the picture above. Thankfully, Josh was able to replace the glass when he got home because that's what guys do....they fix shit when I break it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Jenni's Brush With Death Part III

So here we are again, and yet another episode of Jenni's brush with death. Which also doubles as "Jenni and Josh's Cluster Fuck 2005."

I was driving home from the gym tonight minding my own business, eating my apple when BOOM I blew a tire. I immediately pulled to the right side of the clover leaf where I was exiting one freeway and entering another and while swearing like a truck driver tried calling Josh to come to my rescue. Little did I know Josh had locked himself out of the house as he was in a panic to get a gas can to fill up his car as he, himself had run out of gas. That's right...RUN OUT OF GAS. So there I am, stranded on the side of a clover leaf in the middle of freeway land, and there Josh is stranded on the front steps of the house. No car, no keys, and shit out of luck.

Fortunately he had his cell phone and I was able to reach him. We had to come up with a plan, and fast...so what did we do? We called in our reinforcement, Damian who was (not surprisingly) at the bar a couple cocktails deep. So he slams his drink and is on his way to pick up Josh who has to go to his car (which is currently opperating with a spare) to get the wheel key to my car to be able to put on the spare. (Whew!)

And what do I do while waiting, alone in the dark? Why I take "Blair Witch" inspired photos of myself and send them to Danika...that's what I do!

Look at the fear in my eyes! Terrified, waiting for someone to pull over to the side of the road any moment and take me away into the night...haunting isn't it?

But, my fun was soon cut short as the rescue wagon arrived to change my tire. I walked over to Damians car and was immediately knocked to my feet with the smell of booze, apparantly his "Happy Hour" was still going on...at least the fumes were. So, Josh (a.k.a. My Night In Shining Armour) got out and changed my tire.

Notice how brave, and skillful he is at putting on a spare. So I let him and Damian do the dirty work and I went back to Damians car where Lola was waiting to take more Blair Witch Inspired Photography.

Of which I wanted to show you, but I apparantly cannot download anymore photos. Anyway, Danika, I think you have the one of Lola where it looks like she has no eyes...so if you want you can post it...simply terrifying.

So Josh gets in my car and I drive Damians and we almost make it home when my spare blew. That's right, "Tires 2, People 0." We had to then go back to Josh's car and take the tire he took off his car, which was in bad shape, but OK shape and put it on my car.

So all in all, it turned out to be a cluster of an evening and a preamble as to where I will spend the majority of my day tomorrow...yup, Tires Plus. Gotta love the automobile.

You otha brothas can't deny...


While driving down 35w the other day I was cut off by a SUV bearing the window sticker www.iwantbigrims.com (see above) That’s right…I want big rims .com. Which brought me to thinking, are rims important enough to want in a way you have to stick a sticker in the back of your car to advertise for? Seriously?
How about iwantamilliondollarsandaplaceonthebeach.com? Or, gimme5extravacationdaysandafreetriptofiji.com?
And what about those spinners? I tell you what; if I’m going to pay five thousand dollars for rims that spin when my car is standing still I want to be able to see those fuckers spin! What good are they when you can’t even see them? I’m not paying thousands of dollars so other people get the chance to see my sweet shiny rims spin. Screw that!
The best is when you see those people deck their 92 Saturn out in sweet after market stuff. It’s like putting a hundred-dollar saddle on a five-dollar horse, it just makes no sense. And those are the kind of people you see that owe tens of thousands of dollars in back child support, driving around in their 1994 Ford Escort with chrome rims and some lame ass spoiler glued to the back of their ghetto cruiser.
Am I missing something here?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Once again, I have been MIA for a while. Miss me?

Lots of stuff going on.

I got a promotion at work. That's pretty cool. It's kind of exciting that I can talk about it now, and really really cool to have the letters "V" and "P" right next to each other on my business cards. In true VP style, I just spent the last 2 hours making about 1,000 copies, collating, binding, three-hole-punching, etc. It is very glamorous, readers, being a high-powered marketing executive such as myself.

There is a giant blimp circling Minneapolis and no one knows why. I am obsessed with it. I hope to catch a glimpse of the blimp on my way home tonight.

(a glimpse of the blimp, a glimpse of the blimp, a glimpse of the blimp... say it five times fast. DO IT!)

My BFF is now my ex-BFF which is sad and painful especially as he is here in Minneapolis right now reminding me of how wonderful, caring, and thoughtful he is. Well - he's not here RIGHT NOW, he is in Florida riding roller coasters, but he was here last weekend and will be here again this weekend. It's a strange time... long distance relationships are grueling. Grueling and sad and painful, especially when you both have important and demanding jobs, somewhat limited funds, and very limited vacation time.

It's getting cold here and I'm sad, sad, sad about it. Summer is over! Boo hoo.

Wow. This is getting depressing. In happier news, my kitten is still cute although now that he is 5 months old and HUGE, he does not look so kittenish anymore. And he has taken up the habit of chomping on my thigh at 4am every night so he has now been banished from the bedroom... so he can trash my bathroom every night (the little scamp has figured out how to open drawers to get to the cotton balls, which are invariably ALL OVER THE HOUSE every morning). Here is a picture of Mickey in my plant. I have told him repeatedly to stay out of the plant and sprayed him with water, and moved the plant away from the wall - nothing works. Any hints? Think a little cayenne pepper sprinkled on the plant would do the trick? Or should I just let him play Mickey of the Jungle?

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Fun with Google.

I was over visiting Alie's site when I came across this little google experiment that will be sure give you a quick laugh.

Do this:

Go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs." (Remember to use quotes)

And look at all the things that Google says you need!

Here are the top 6 thing that Google says I need;

1).Jennifer needs a cold shower. This is surprisingly true.

2).Jennifer needs a tutor who can help a client with their Probability Exam in the Somerville area. Yeah, the probability that I would ever even take a Probability Exam is slim to none, but thanks anyway.

3).Jennifer needs to better understand Trump's business and how she can contribute. Trump needs to understand his hair and how he can remedy that sad piece of dead animal carcass on the top of his rich ass head.

4).Jennifer needs to know your new address to re-subscribe you to WAGSnet with your new email address. Jennifer has no clue what WAGSnet is and would most probably make fun of it if she knew what it was.

5).Jennifer needs to say away from HOPE, Hope must have caught what Bo has, because she believes the zombie eyed loser over Jack. It's sad that I know exactly what this means, which directly correlates with "Jennifer needs to stop being pathetic and quit keeping up on her Days of Our Lives gossip." Truly sad.

6).Jennifer needs help. We know that. You know what? That I need HELP? You don't know jack shit, and even if you did you're a frickin search engine, search engines don't KNOW people....(stop incredulously fanatical rant and look around the room...realize silently to myself that maybe Google was right all along.)

What do You need?

Friday, October 07, 2005

Friday: Random internet test day (apparently)

I am 53% Evil Genius.
Deceitful & Crazy!
Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.


I love it that the picture here is of Al Gore.

I really don't know how to take this...

I am 19% White Trash.
Not at all White Trashy!
I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.


Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I mean 19% is like almost a quarter, and with a quarter percent of white trash in me I could most probably be eligible for some sort of assistance. I'm blaming this on the fact that I add with my fingers and I have a tatoo, those questions had to have weighed the bulk of my diagnostical train wreck.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Look what we did!

48 jars + 20 lbs of pickles + red peppers + green peppers + yellow peppers + itty bitty squashes + baby carrots + cauliflower florets + jalepenos + dill + vinegar + garlic + all day Sunday =



Whew! 3 weeks 'till delicious pickles!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Swank Crime Fighting Part II


It was a night like any other. Joshua, Damian, Erica and I were sitting out on the back deck, enjoying a nice Friday evening with cocktails and stories. There was a stillness about the night, a stillness that would soon be interrupted with one simple phrase…“I’m going to fucking kill you!” That’s how it started at least, the phrase “I’m going to fucking kill you” soon escalated into more threats of annihilation and bodily harm.

To keep things real, after one has a couple cocktails you’re not just going to hole up into your house and call the Five-0 via 911, ahem, like I did. No, no…if you’re Joshua, Damian, and Erica, you’re going to find out what’s going on. So that’s what they did. While I was in the house on the phone they walked down the block to make sure everything was O.K. Which incidentally, everything was NOT O.K.

Approaching the end of the block they happened upon two women and three men. Two of the men were fighting, and one was clearly winning sitting on top of the other man beating the crap out of him. Josh saw this and took the liberty of taking the mans shirt by the bottom and pulling it over his head in an effort to break up the fight which surprisingly worked. This is when I walked out into the street to see Josh in the middle of it all, so heroic, so brave, so… lucky that they didn’t kick his ass as well. I was able to hear him direct them to go down the block to the Mobile station and stay there as the other dude headed to his rented house on the corner. As he was walking to the front door he decided to spit at the woman who was standing near him, and throw bricks at her…that’s right throw bricks at her. Only his attempts were in vain as he obviously couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. More choice words were exchanged and that’s when she said the six words that sent all of us home: "He - Has - Guns - In - His - House"…(crickets chirping, crickets chirping, crickets chirping) OK! Hope you work this out, cops should be here shortly, see ya bye.

And that’s all it took to send these Swank Crime Fighters back to the security of their deck and cocktails, another night, another murder attempt thwarted…it’s all in a days work.

(You know what word should be used more often? “Thwarted.” That’s right, “Thwarted.” Use it in a sentence five times today. Do it. You know you want to.)

Monday, September 26, 2005

Listen Here F@*!ers!


"Would you like some vaseline with that pension?"

Dear Doug Steenland, President and CEO of Northwest Airlines
A.K.A Dickhead

I understand that your company had to file for Bankruptcy, and that’s too bad. Do you also want to know what’s too bad? The way you have taken this out on your pilots, mechanics and staff as you sit back and collect your hefty bonuses as the rest of your staff looses important things like their jobs and pensions.
My father-in-law has worked as a Captain of your airline for countless years and is now loosing 75% of his pension, something that he has worked his entire career for and now it’s gone. You know, the $3.8 billion dollars you promised to pay to your employees and are now neglecting to pay? Nice job. Oh, yeah and don’t forget about that annual 25% pay-cut your pilots, mechanics, and flight crew incurred as they stood by you, flew your airplanes, and made what money your business had, all to get slapped in the face in the end.
But hey! At least you still have your excess pension plan that will cover your ass along with three other of your corporate cronies. That million dollars a year should come in handy when you retire at 65! Only 11 years to go Dougie!

Dickhead.

Sincerely,
Jenni from Minneapolis

Friday, September 23, 2005

Oh happy day!

Sandra has great news!!

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Jenni's Liver Saving Wager Part II

UPDATE

Last night I spent the evening with Josh, Danika, her mom, and her Uncle Daniel who is visiting from Germany. We went to the Bryant Lake Bowl which was recently visited by our very own Josh Hartnett and his gal pal Scarlett Johansson...and guess what? Not. One. Drink. That's right folks, Libby, Blackjack, be prepared to fork over that dollar, so when I make it through the weekend not only will I have a sparkly clean liver, but I will be $2 richer.

Game on.

By the way, if you notice the blog pole to your right, the votes are neck and neck...if you haven't voted already vote now!! Do it...really...now.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Jenni's Liver Saving Wager...Vote on the poll to your right!


So, I’m giving my liver a two-week vacation. And, no you didn’t read that wrong, I ‘m giving my liver a two-week vacation, which means no booze, no caffeine, no preservatives, no nothing. No bread (which I can’t have anyway due to a wheat allergy), no starches, no sugar. I’ve been on this diet called “The Fat Flush” plan since Monday and I think I’ve already dropped like 10 lbs…seriously. The whole premise behind this diet is to cleanse you liver which is the most important fat burning organ in your body. I eat fruits, vegetables, and 8 oz of lean meat daily, which usually includes fish and organic free-range chicken. I feel great and can really feel a difference. But there’s one problem….

I’m hosting a bachelorette party at my house tomorrow. That’s right, there will be temptation in the booze form and I will do my damdest to stay on the right track. All week I have been preparing for this weekend, giving myself pep talks, gathering my soda water and limes to drink to make it seem as though I’m drinking. And I really want to do this, not only for myself, but also for my liver that has been totally abused for way too long. And in order to keep me motivated I want someone to bet me…bet me that I can’t stay off the sauce and that I will have a drink. Come on…do it! I NEVER loose a bet and all I need is one person to put out a bet…lay it on the table and let it ride. And then you all can place wagers on my will power. Oh, and vote on the poll to your right. Do it now…do it.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Meet Barb.

Just to clarify before I begin, I am a horrible, horrible, person. You see, while walking to Pepitos on Saturday night I passed this photography store where amongst other pictures was the following. I couldn’t resist…I had to take a picture and write about this woman and what I believe is her life as I know it. So save your judgments, or cry’s of intentional social malice I am about to bestow on this poor woman, because it wasn’t me who decided to hang her picture in the window of an extremely visable photography studio, OH NO!


Meet Barb. Barb is a single woman in her mid 30’s who loves her cockatiel Petie more than anything. Ever.

Barb lives in a one bedroom apartment on the frontage road of 494 in Richfield MN, which is conveniently located near the Hallmark store just a few miles away in Bloomington where she is the assistant manager. She drives a Ford aspire that she bought new in 1994. It’s pink.

Her favorite shirt is her grey turtleneck mostly because it covers up the unsightly mole that has surfaced on the right side of her neck. She wears it with her black slacks, trouser socks and SAS shoes.

Barb spends the majority of her free time with Petie teaching him how to whistle the theme song to The Walton’s of which her aunt bought her the entire VHS set for Christmas. It was on her list. She collects “Precious Moments” figurines of which she proudly claims to have the largest collection in the tri state area. Every other month you will find Barb at the local Cost Cutters getting a perm and an upper lip wax, only because they throw it in for free.

Barb is a penny pincher and spends her Sundays clipping coupons from the paper. She’s saving up to buy a double bed to replace her current twin, which is too small for her ginormous teddy bear collection.

She’s never been married and has recently began dating Rodney who is the night manager at the Subway next door, only because he gives her extra stamps.

She hopes one day to be promoted to store manager where she will then create an entire section of cockatiel greeting cards. In the meantime she is happy to stock other cards with puppies and kitties on them, knowing that her moment to shine is right around the corner.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

101 Things you may not know

I was thinking about how I work with so many different people on a daily basis and how none of them really knows me, you know? And not like they have to know me, but I thought it's interesting how we go through life with people without really knowing them. So, I decided to challenge myself and create a list, a list of things the average person I speak with on a daily basis may not know about me...so here goes.


1). I wish on stars
2). I daydream…often.
3). I’m a grocery store snob, and would rather shop at a Co-op.
4). I buy organic and insist on buying locally.
5). My favorite fruit is mango.
6). Sometimes I drink too much.
7). I believe my father is the best person. Ever.
8). I have 4 nieces, 4 nephews, and one great nephew.
9). I was a mistake, but my parents insist I was a pleasant surprise, my siblings say “after thought.”
10). I believe anyone who maliciously harms an animal should be drug out into the street and shot. Seriously.
11). No matter how thin I am I think I’m fat.
12). I taught my dad how to read after his second stroke.
13). I am proud of myself and where I am in my life.
14). My mom thinks I am psychic and can speak to those who have passed through my dreams. I hate to believe her, but I think she’s right.
15). I prefer old homes rather than new homes.
16). I don’t know if I want to have children
17). I’m not money motivated, yet I am in sales…this is an oxymoron.
18). I enjoy making people laugh.
19). I make it a point to make people smile.
20). I am extra nice to clerks and people in the service industry, even when I’m having a bad day.
21). I look people in the eye when I say “Thank You.”
22). People don’t intimidate me.
23). When there’s a bug or insect in the house I don’t kill it, I trap it and let it go outside.
24). I wish I went to church more often.
25). I don’t have any grandparents left.
26). My grandma’s been gone almost two years and I still cry sometimes because I really miss her.
27). I always check under my bed and in my closet before I go to sleep.
28). I lost a friend and one friend paralyzed; both by guns.
29). I hate guns.
30). I once rescued an injured duck from the side of the road and took it to a rehabilitation center.
31). I did the same for a baby bird.
32). When I was little I didn’t want to be a teacher, a nurse, or a mommy…I wanted to be a stockbroker.
33). Sometimes I don’t want to wake up when I’m dreaming.
34). I am extremely stubborn.
35). I truly believe I have the cutest dog in the world.
36). I still love Poison.
37). Sushi…Mmmmmm…
38). I told everyone in college that I majored in Journalism because I wanted to be an MTV V.J.
39). I didn’t really want to be a V.J.
40). My eyes fill with tears when I hear the National Anthem.
41). I don’t give a rats ass what Paris Hilton wore to the VMA’s.
42). I voted for George Bush for his first term.
43). I regretted that and voted for Kerry.
44). I started a food fight in fifth grade, and didn’t get caught.
45). I once ripped the streamers out of my neighbor’s big wheel because I wanted one too.
46). I used to send my friends home when Sesame Street came on.
47). I enjoy solitude.
48). My imaginary friends as a young child were the Hager Brothers from “Hee Haw.”
49). I have a fear of flying, but not a fear of heights.
50). I can play the piano by ear.
51). I strongly believe life is what you make it no matter what your situation.
52). I am more apt to please others over myself.
53). I want to break that habit.
54). I like to argue, and always make a point when I do.
55). I once argued my way into to-go cups for a pitcher of beer and won.
56). I’m a fish out of water, I love to swim.
57). I am a textbook Pisces.
58). I not so secretly love Chevy Chase.
59). I know every line in National Lampoons Vacation by heart.
60). I sing the Wally World National Anthem whenever I embark on a road trip.
61). Every time I walk on a sidewalk I still avoid the cracks for fear of hurting my moms back.
62). I am superstitious
63). I love thunderstorms at night.
64). I eat a gluten free diet because I am allergic to flour.
65). I used to be a Vegetarian until I discovered free- range organic chicken.
66). I believe supporting farmers who do things right is a good thing.
67). I still don’t eat beef, or pork, or beork…, which would be Spam.
68). Every time I see a cattle truck off to slaughter my eyes well up with tears, especially if I see the cows eyes.
69). I can’t say the word “balls” without smiling.
70). I am often told I have an infectious laugh.
71). I can’t stand arrogant, self-centered people.
72). I like to garden and plant flowers.
73). I have a green thumb and I sometimes talk to my houseplants.
74). I also talk to my dog, and believe she understands every word.
75). I want to go back to school for my Masters, most probably in Journalism.
76). I want to be the next Katie Couric, only better.
77). I’m dependent on my cell phone.
78). I have an addictive personality.
79). I want everyone to “like” me.
80). I don’t have any enemies.
81). I made almost all the curtains in my home.
82). I like to sew.
83). I love to decorate.
84). I want to be in business for myself.
85). Both of my brothers are successful entrepreneurs.
86). I envy them.
87). I hate white frosting, Twinkies, and Ho-Ho’s, they make my mouth itch.
88). I spent two weeks in Tokyo, Japan visiting my sister and her family and loved every minute of it.
89). I want to go back again.
90). I want to travel more, and often.
91). I want to take better care of myself.
92). I wanted to play the violin, but my mom made me play the clarinet, and I purposely failed 8th grade band because of it.
93). Did I mention I am extremely stubborn?
94). I hate being told what to do, or how to do things “better.”
95). Don’t make a bet with me, unless you want to loose ;)
96). I have naturally curly hair.
97). I hate to straighten it, but I like it that way too.
98). I believe our souls live many lives which clashes with how I was raised, but maybe both views are right, just historically absent from one another.
99). Each one of us has a purpose; I hope mine is to make people think, and then smile.
100). I am extremely disorganized.
101). I hate lists.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Frogs and Gin...Happy Labor Day 2005

It was a dark and stormy night….O.K., well maybe it wasn’t stormy, but it was dark. While driving back from my sister’s cabin, and dodging thousands…O.K. maybe not thousands…hundreds…O.K., maybe not hundreds…twenties of road crossing frogs, one finally met it’s match with the Cabrio. We actually felt the poor guy hit the car, that’s right, we actually FELT it…poor Kermit. So, the next day I made Josh look to see if there were any frog guts on the front of my car and this is what he found.


I couldn’t look…it was much too gruesome…it’s poor little frog foot dangling from the underside of my Volkswagen…it was tragic.

In other news, my niece was married last Friday in a beautiful ceremony and reception at The Great Hall in St. Paul. Everything was running smoothly until Josh asked my 19-year old nephew to get me a glass of “White Zin (disclaimer: I’m not a fan, nor do I personally prefer drinking “White Zin”…and to this day swear I was set up…it was sabotage). And when he came back with a glass of GIN? Well, that’s when it all went down hill from there. I’m not kidding you, he came back with a GLASS OF GIN. I was later told by my cousin who was standing nearby that when the bartender asked, “Are you sure you don’t want a glass of White Zin?” His response, in his most educated authoritative “I am old enough to know” tone was “No, I want a glass of white gin.” No, tonic, no nothing…it was just gin. My cousin convinced him to throw in a twist of lime, and I was on my own…it was just me with my glass of gin. My brother (the Bride’s father) walked by and was real pleased to see that I was taking advantage of the open bar by drinking full glasses of gin.

After a glass of gin, one cannot just stop drinking, right? So I preceded to have a few more glasses, this time with some tonic and was at the end of the night feeling a little good, but not good as in who’s that drunk girl, good…good as in I have a nice gin buzz good.

On the way home I was forced in the back seat of Josh’s mom’s Murano, and what happened while driving down West 7th street? Yup, we were pulled over. Pulled over because apparently the Nissan Murano is the only new vehicle without daytime running lights. The policeman asked Josh if he had been drinking, which he replied, “No” and to his defense he really wasn’t. He only had a few beers at the beginning and his mom doesn’t drink, they were actually taking care of my Great Nephew the entire night. So the cop took his license and ran it, came back, and asked AGAIN if he had been drinking, to which he replied again, “No.” The officer then said, “…because I can smell alcohol coming from your vehicle.” To which Josh and his mom both replied in unison while pointing in the back seat “It’s her.” Yup, I was called out as the one who smelt like a huge distillery in the backseat and apparently I was trying to contain my laughter and couldn’t disguise the huge grin on my face…it was sad.

So, the five-o made Josh get out of the car and do a field sobriety test, which he passed with flying colors and we were on our way…stupid headlights.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Holy Saucy Batman!



MAN! That Aqua Cardio Class sure worked some magic! Enough magic for the folks over at Maxim to name me as one of the "Sexiest Women Of..." er...a...1999! Woo-Hoo!

Ok, so maybe that's not my body, and maybe it belongs rather to Rebecca Romain Stamos, and maybe Josh had something to do with it, like oh, 5 years ago...and maybe a little photoshop was used...but COME ON, can't a girl dream? ;)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Electrical Transformer, 4; Squirrels, 0


There’s nothing like waking up to the sound of a squirrel frying itself on an electrical transformer that resides three houses down. It’s actually kind of poetic, but sad at the same time. Looking out the window, the sparks flying through the air, reminiscent of some sort of sick 4th of July spectacular…and I have to tell you, If I were a squirrel I’d totally want to go out that way. Pissing everyone off as I fry myself on the electrical box that powers a block full of Minneapolis homes…”This is for running over my cousin in your fucking Volkswagen…zzzzzzzz.”

You see, this squirrel thing has become quite an epidemic the past few weeks with this morning’s causality racking up 4 dead squirrels and 6 trips from the electric company. You’d think they could figure out a way to prevent this from happening…apparently the squirrels continue to one up the folks at Excel energy.

I used to think my squirrels were smart. Being able to figure out how to get into the “squirrel proof bird feeder” my father made me. And then when they started to grow their own corn in my yard from the seeds in the bird feeder I was dumbfounded. I had officially announced that I was living with the smartest breed of “City Squirrels” this side of the Mississippi. And then it happened…about a month and a half ago when the first “Kamikaze Squirrel” decided to meet its fate with the transformer. And then a week later, another…and then another, and now this morning…another. Are they going crazy? Is it some sort of sick squirrel protest to keep us from enjoying electricity? Have we finally met our match…is this a sort of “Dooms Day” approaching where the squirrels finally start taking over the world, one electrical transformer at a time…I guess we’ll soon find out.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Namaste




It’s been awhile since I’ve written something about myself, mostly for fear I’d bore you to death because nothing has really been going on.

Glad to see I’m leading in the “Most likely to die in a freak accident” pole to your right. Thanks for that.

I’ve been seeing this holistic chiropractor to try and figure out what’s wrong with me, and after he put my tendon back on my shoulder that’s been better, and now come to find out after an MRI that I have chondromalcia in my knee which has everything to do with my body being out of whack and running 5 miles a day (in my better days) on a body that’s out of whack. He said he’ll have me running again in no time…we’ll see. So, that’s kind of depressing…living with pain. I’ve been given an exercise plan that has me doing hundreds of “wall-squats” a day. Whenever my knee feels tight I’m supposed to drop what I’m doing and wall squat. Which has me wall squatting at all sorts of weird places…in my kitchen, against the garage, in my bedroom when I wake up in pain at 2:30 in the morning…in the bathroom at a dealership…the list is endless.

So, I’m thinking of taking up Yoga again. I tried it a dozen times, you know, the Bikram kind where you’re in a 105 degree heat controlled room for 90 minutes and you learn that sweating is the best thing you could ever give yourself. It was quite relaxing, and a break from my regular balls-to-the-wall cardiovascular, I’m a crazy exersize-a-holic routine. But needless to say I have to get back to the gym, where lately I’ve been donating my $66 a month. Besides, they offer yoga and pilates classes at my gym…I just need to take advantage of them. That’s my goal for the rest of the year, spend more time at the gym and on my well-being.

Anyway, I think I actually need to relax more…maybe that’s my problem. Any ideas? What do you do to relax?

Friday, August 19, 2005



Everone, meet Sir Edward. Ed belongs to my good friend Jessica and is an 8 month old Boston Terrier with a major addiction to humping anything and everything that exists, incuding, but not limited to poor, poor, Lola.

Last night Ed came over to play (or hump...I'm really not so sure of his doggie motives) with Lola and immediately upon his entry into the house took to humping her head. The humping then proceeded to the sofa, the kitchen, the deck, and consequently the back yard. It was like I was trapped in some sort of weird canine brothel and so was my dog.

Now, I'm trying to put myself in Lola's position and compare Edward to a person, someone like this guy.



And then I became horrified, not only for Lola, but myself as well. Can you imagine being chased around the yard by a guy that looked like that trying to hump you? It's TERRIFYING! Is this instance of doggie lust going to somehow emotionally scar my sweet Lola for life? Am I a bad dog parent? I feel terrible that I let this happen, and I even pointed and laughed at times...for shame.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Jenni's Brush with Death, Part II

I am still trying to get over the fact that I almost died...twice...a few days ago. Well, Ok, maybe I didn't almost die, but I could have been severely mamed, and in one case I was...well, maybe not severely. Here, have a look for yourself.

The following nature pictures were taken from my car at approximately 3:09 in the afternoon. Notice how dark it is.



In this next picture it's actually ligtning. Do you know how dangerous lightning can be? Especially when you're sitting in your car with a complete set of golf clubs in the trunk...death by nine iron. Not fun.


This one was taken while I was driving. Note: I can't see anything. At all.



Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it does. That night I came home and was planning on making some grilled eggplant with pesto sauce and saffroned jasmine rice. In order to make the pesto I had to get my Cuisinart from the cabinet above my built in microwave which is above my stove. I was on my tippy toes struggling to get it down all in one piece when this (see below)

fell out of the cupbord smashing into my poor little nose on the way down. In an instance that will forever be called "Maming by Cuisinart." See Photo:

As you can see there is a nice size gash on the right side of my nose, visible to anyone who looks at me. I am scared, and my near-death experiences have caused me to be a little more careful around severe thunder storms and kitchen appliances.

Until next time death...I bid you adieu.

P.S. The reason this is part two is because it's a sequel to The Day I Almost Died...duh! GOSH!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

29 going on 90...



Aqua Cardio
A cardiovascular conditioning class in the pool. The water provides an atmosphere for training, which eliminates the impact on the joints. (Multi Level)


I hurt my knee which has decided to fill with fluid therefore temporarily banishing me from my normal cardio workout. I went to my gym's website to try and find a class that will allow me to keep some range of motion, but will be easier on my knee. I saw they offer a class in "Aqua Cardio." I clicked on the link and the above photo and description came up. I'm serious.

Shit, they may as well have my walker and a Darts bus ready to take me back to The Home when I'm finished with my workout.

Monday, August 08, 2005

When it rains...it pours...especially when your sunroof is open.

This Guy spent the night last night as he had an early job interview downtown St Paul. He dressed all nice in a shirt and tie, clean shaven and looked like a hundred bucks.

He left and I was positive that he would have a great interview, until he came back in, grabbed a towel, and said "Left the sunroof open" and walked immediately out the door.

Normally, this wouldn't have been an issue, but became one after the torential rains we're currently having. Good Luck Ben.

Poor Ben.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

To Whom It May Concern...

Dear Male Population,

A suit and tie does not make you invisible. On that note, neither does not having your wife with you, especially when a female is walking toward a building as you exit and consequently turn around to catch a glimpse of whatever fancies your inherent male testosterone driven desire. Even more so when you encourage your friends to do the same.

In case you failed to notice, glass is reflective...I COULD SEE YOU. It was not smooth, and NO you wern't being sneaky. Nice try.

Sincerely,

Jenni

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Rob Flanders



For those of you who don't know Rob Lowe you should really visit his blog. He's an excellent writer who is going through some personal shit right now, turning Thirty in a few days and having a time discovering who he really is. Hands down he is a great guy and I feel kinda bad about posting the above photo, but it's just too damn funny not to post.

Anyway, he posted this really intense picture on his last post in which (among other things) he decided to shave his beard, and keep the stash in which I immediately thought "Ned Flanders." And then I wrote a comment that stated my thought, along with asking where Rod & Todd were.

Am I cruel? I mean, in my defense, I truly believe only 2% of the male population can actually get away with a mustache without looking like some sort of Chester Molester or Merv the Perv...or in this case, Ned Flanders.

Rob, look at the bright side...at least it isn't John Favreau.

Happy Birthday Rob Lowe!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

AAH!




Do you see it? Do you see the loose piece of skin under my eye? It's there, I SWEAR it is.

This morning as I as wiping some stray eyeliner off the bottom of my eye a piece of skin came along for a ride, gathered up in a bunch under my eye and just sat there, as if saying..."Ha! This is for all those times you failed to apply your SPF 30."

Panic has now set in...I am frantically searching for the best under eye wrinkle creme there is on the market. And I need YOUR help. I used to work for Lancome while I was in college, I know they had a couple good ones, but I never thought I'd actually need them. DAMN YOU CRUEL, CRUEL, WORLD!

Any suggestions?

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Running Thoughts



I just got back from taking Lola for a walk/run around Lake Nokomis which is just a hop, skip, and a jump away from my home, and also the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport. As I was walking, I began contemplating my life…where I am and how I got here. I decided that I’m rather lucky, and have pretty much what is considered “The American Dream.” I own a nice home, have a great job, and have wonderful friends and an awesome family. I am very fortunate.
When I arrived at the lake I decided to walk counter clockwise instead of clockwise which I normally do. I realize that I’ve become too “predictable” and this disturbs me.

I immediately realize how different things seem by just going in a different direction. I begin taking notice of the people who are sharing the path with me. Some are running, some are walking, some are on the bike path on their bikes, and a few are on rollerblades. I notice a guy running wearing a red shirt with “S.O.S.” printed on the front, which immediately has me singing ABBA in my head. I hate him.

Everyone is pretty much the same and no one sparks any real interest until I see a family approaching. There were two young pre-teenage girls on rollerblades, they were pretty and had a different look about them. They were smiling and laughing, doing pretty much what young girls do. Behind them were a boy and a girl on small bikes with training wheels, both had dark hair and were racing each other with smiles on their faces. I listened as their laughter danced across the bike path, which made me smile. Following them were whom I assume to be their parents. The mother was wearing a hijab,and the father was dressed in a red athletic pants suit with a visor. Just when I noticed them a rather large military plane flew overhead causing the woman to flinch. She stopped her bike and looked up in the air. Her husband came to her side and put his arm around her. As I looked back the children were carrying on with their fun, not noticing the large airplane, which I assume brought back some kind of memories for their parents.

I then realized that this is a different day, and a different age. What their children are experiencing now is most probably the reason why they moved to American in the first place, to escape supposed oppression, and to give their children a childhood and future full of hope and potential. I thought of the soldiers who are over fighting in Iraq who have been sent to do whatever it really is they were sent to do there and it makes me proud. It helps me to understand how lucky I am and how lucky those children are to be on that bike path on Lake Nokomis with their whole lives ahead of them, and more importantly, their family behind them, because that’s what “The American Dream” is all about.

I continued my trek, and I began to run. As I ran I approached an elderly couple with their shorts cranked so far up their asses it made me snicker. They were sweet and when I passed them they said a friendly “Hello” I replied likewise. I felt bad for snickering about their shorts.

Onward and forward I resumed and came across a small group of guys playing frisbee. They made some sort of male mating call and said something along the lines of “Hey, wanna join us.” I politely declined and kept running. I imagined a conversation in which I told them that my husband was a powerful corporate attorney in downtown Minneapolis and that I was a housewife who sat around the pool all day eating bon bons and drinking martinis. I immediately envisioned myself as Nicole Kidman in The Stepford Wives, and then when Lola practically yanked me off the path in hot pursuit of a squirrel I came back to reality. I felt bad for wanting for a moment to be different from who I actually am.

I slowed down to get a drink of water and cool Lola’s feet when I noticed the beach. I see a woman sitting in a chair who is very pregnant. For a brief moment I think of how fun it would be to be pregnant and have a baby. I then hear a blood-curdling scream and look to my right where there is a child throwing a temper tantrum because she doesn’t want to leave the swings. I curse myself for thinking I want to have a child right now and try to say 10 hail Mary’s which fails because I am not Catholic and don’t know where to begin.

A little ways down the path I see a woman and her son. The woman is dressed in sporty Ann Taylor, Ralph Lauren tennis shoes, and a pair of Gucci sunglasses. Her son is dressed in a black Anthrax t-shirt, baggy jeans with chains coming from both pockets and has more piercings in his face than Jude Law has mistresses. His hair is dyed three shades of purple and has enough hair product to accommodate every drag queen in the tri-state area. Despite their obvious social differences, they were laughing and joking with each other and it was beautiful.

There were so many other things I noticed, like an eight year old on a bicycle talking on a cell phone. And the fat couple that was making out in the middle of the grass while lying on a blanket. I was somehow intrigued and repulsed at the same time. It was like watching Gili, only more tolerable. Oh, and I can’t forget the guy with the horrible comb-over and his wife whose perfume permeated all the way across the street into my lungs which made me cough with disgust.

Anyway, so I guess my point to this blog is this…. well, I really don’t have a point. In fact I don’t know why I kept on writing. I should’ve stopped with the whole “American Dream Thing,” given everyone a nice warm fuzzy, and called it a night, but I didn’t and I guess I’m OK with that. So I leave it at this: Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you can get something out of my random written babble, whether it is a laugh or a lesson. Thanks for reading…

Friday, July 22, 2005

It's a bird! It's a plane! No! It's a short bus!


Here she comes...here comes speed racer! Posted by Picasa

When you see multipe short busses would they be considered a herd? Maybe a gaggle, or a murder? And what would you do if you were to drive by a parking lot full of them? Why, I would get my picture taken with them in some random pointing pose...that's what I would do!



And Look! They even left one behind! Poor Poor "Special Josh..."