Friday, August 26, 2005

Holy Saucy Batman!

MAN! That Aqua Cardio Class sure worked some magic! Enough magic for the folks over at Maxim to name me as one of the "Sexiest Women Of..." er...a...1999! Woo-Hoo!

Ok, so maybe that's not my body, and maybe it belongs rather to Rebecca Romain Stamos, and maybe Josh had something to do with it, like oh, 5 years ago...and maybe a little photoshop was used...but COME ON, can't a girl dream? ;)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Electrical Transformer, 4; Squirrels, 0

There’s nothing like waking up to the sound of a squirrel frying itself on an electrical transformer that resides three houses down. It’s actually kind of poetic, but sad at the same time. Looking out the window, the sparks flying through the air, reminiscent of some sort of sick 4th of July spectacular…and I have to tell you, If I were a squirrel I’d totally want to go out that way. Pissing everyone off as I fry myself on the electrical box that powers a block full of Minneapolis homes…”This is for running over my cousin in your fucking Volkswagen…zzzzzzzz.”

You see, this squirrel thing has become quite an epidemic the past few weeks with this morning’s causality racking up 4 dead squirrels and 6 trips from the electric company. You’d think they could figure out a way to prevent this from happening…apparently the squirrels continue to one up the folks at Excel energy.

I used to think my squirrels were smart. Being able to figure out how to get into the “squirrel proof bird feeder” my father made me. And then when they started to grow their own corn in my yard from the seeds in the bird feeder I was dumbfounded. I had officially announced that I was living with the smartest breed of “City Squirrels” this side of the Mississippi. And then it happened…about a month and a half ago when the first “Kamikaze Squirrel” decided to meet its fate with the transformer. And then a week later, another…and then another, and now this morning…another. Are they going crazy? Is it some sort of sick squirrel protest to keep us from enjoying electricity? Have we finally met our match…is this a sort of “Dooms Day” approaching where the squirrels finally start taking over the world, one electrical transformer at a time…I guess we’ll soon find out.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005


It’s been awhile since I’ve written something about myself, mostly for fear I’d bore you to death because nothing has really been going on.

Glad to see I’m leading in the “Most likely to die in a freak accident” pole to your right. Thanks for that.

I’ve been seeing this holistic chiropractor to try and figure out what’s wrong with me, and after he put my tendon back on my shoulder that’s been better, and now come to find out after an MRI that I have chondromalcia in my knee which has everything to do with my body being out of whack and running 5 miles a day (in my better days) on a body that’s out of whack. He said he’ll have me running again in no time…we’ll see. So, that’s kind of depressing…living with pain. I’ve been given an exercise plan that has me doing hundreds of “wall-squats” a day. Whenever my knee feels tight I’m supposed to drop what I’m doing and wall squat. Which has me wall squatting at all sorts of weird places…in my kitchen, against the garage, in my bedroom when I wake up in pain at 2:30 in the morning…in the bathroom at a dealership…the list is endless.

So, I’m thinking of taking up Yoga again. I tried it a dozen times, you know, the Bikram kind where you’re in a 105 degree heat controlled room for 90 minutes and you learn that sweating is the best thing you could ever give yourself. It was quite relaxing, and a break from my regular balls-to-the-wall cardiovascular, I’m a crazy exersize-a-holic routine. But needless to say I have to get back to the gym, where lately I’ve been donating my $66 a month. Besides, they offer yoga and pilates classes at my gym…I just need to take advantage of them. That’s my goal for the rest of the year, spend more time at the gym and on my well-being.

Anyway, I think I actually need to relax more…maybe that’s my problem. Any ideas? What do you do to relax?

Friday, August 19, 2005

Everone, meet Sir Edward. Ed belongs to my good friend Jessica and is an 8 month old Boston Terrier with a major addiction to humping anything and everything that exists, incuding, but not limited to poor, poor, Lola.

Last night Ed came over to play (or hump...I'm really not so sure of his doggie motives) with Lola and immediately upon his entry into the house took to humping her head. The humping then proceeded to the sofa, the kitchen, the deck, and consequently the back yard. It was like I was trapped in some sort of weird canine brothel and so was my dog.

Now, I'm trying to put myself in Lola's position and compare Edward to a person, someone like this guy.

And then I became horrified, not only for Lola, but myself as well. Can you imagine being chased around the yard by a guy that looked like that trying to hump you? It's TERRIFYING! Is this instance of doggie lust going to somehow emotionally scar my sweet Lola for life? Am I a bad dog parent? I feel terrible that I let this happen, and I even pointed and laughed at times...for shame.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Jenni's Brush with Death, Part II

I am still trying to get over the fact that I almost died...twice...a few days ago. Well, Ok, maybe I didn't almost die, but I could have been severely mamed, and in one case I was...well, maybe not severely. Here, have a look for yourself.

The following nature pictures were taken from my car at approximately 3:09 in the afternoon. Notice how dark it is.

In this next picture it's actually ligtning. Do you know how dangerous lightning can be? Especially when you're sitting in your car with a complete set of golf clubs in the trunk...death by nine iron. Not fun.

This one was taken while I was driving. Note: I can't see anything. At all.

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it does. That night I came home and was planning on making some grilled eggplant with pesto sauce and saffroned jasmine rice. In order to make the pesto I had to get my Cuisinart from the cabinet above my built in microwave which is above my stove. I was on my tippy toes struggling to get it down all in one piece when this (see below)

fell out of the cupbord smashing into my poor little nose on the way down. In an instance that will forever be called "Maming by Cuisinart." See Photo:

As you can see there is a nice size gash on the right side of my nose, visible to anyone who looks at me. I am scared, and my near-death experiences have caused me to be a little more careful around severe thunder storms and kitchen appliances.

Until next time death...I bid you adieu.

P.S. The reason this is part two is because it's a sequel to The Day I Almost Died...duh! GOSH!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

29 going on 90...

Aqua Cardio
A cardiovascular conditioning class in the pool. The water provides an atmosphere for training, which eliminates the impact on the joints. (Multi Level)

I hurt my knee which has decided to fill with fluid therefore temporarily banishing me from my normal cardio workout. I went to my gym's website to try and find a class that will allow me to keep some range of motion, but will be easier on my knee. I saw they offer a class in "Aqua Cardio." I clicked on the link and the above photo and description came up. I'm serious.

Shit, they may as well have my walker and a Darts bus ready to take me back to The Home when I'm finished with my workout.

Monday, August 08, 2005

When it rains...it pours...especially when your sunroof is open.

This Guy spent the night last night as he had an early job interview downtown St Paul. He dressed all nice in a shirt and tie, clean shaven and looked like a hundred bucks.

He left and I was positive that he would have a great interview, until he came back in, grabbed a towel, and said "Left the sunroof open" and walked immediately out the door.

Normally, this wouldn't have been an issue, but became one after the torential rains we're currently having. Good Luck Ben.

Poor Ben.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

To Whom It May Concern...

Dear Male Population,

A suit and tie does not make you invisible. On that note, neither does not having your wife with you, especially when a female is walking toward a building as you exit and consequently turn around to catch a glimpse of whatever fancies your inherent male testosterone driven desire. Even more so when you encourage your friends to do the same.

In case you failed to notice, glass is reflective...I COULD SEE YOU. It was not smooth, and NO you wern't being sneaky. Nice try.