Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Just a quick little note from Lola to wish everyone in blogland a Happy and Safe Halloween!

What choo lookin at...Willis.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Which is More Scary?

(Que cheesy game show music)

And now the first (and quite possibly the last) edition of "Which is More Scary" brought to you by your friends at "Swank or Skank!"

Is it A:

The festering bucket of food that was recently found in the very back of Jenni's fridge...

Or is it B:

Damian parading around the house in his new scary Burger King man mask?

Jenni: I'd have to go with A, Bob, because honestly, I have NO CLUE what is in that container and have absolutely NO RECOLLECTION of putting it in the fridge.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Jenni's Brush With Death; Part IV Unplugged

They always seem to happen so fast, my brushes with death. Until last night, as I tripped over one of Lola’s toys and I found myself falling endlessly into my target, right arm protecting my face as it broke my fall against the glass part of the door, all in slow-motion. It wasn’t until I actually hit the glass that time caught up with me and I was there, in the relative present surrounded by glass and bleeding from my hand.

“Holy Shit!” I said aloud as I assessed the damages, and as Lola scampered to the safety of the living room. “You have GOT to be kidding me!” I said with a crazed sense of being, after all, my “Brush With Death Part III” was only yesterday, and “Part II” was only a couple months ago.

So I did what any sane person at the time, surrounded by glass wouldn’t do…I stepped over the glass, grabbed Lola and took her for a walk. It was there, in the outdoors I could gain back my sanity, assess the damages, and devise a plan to repair the broken door. After, of course I call Danika to tell her of my “Brush with Death.” Because what are friends for, if not to help gather your sanity and put things into perspective when you need perspective the most? Oh, yeah, and offer to buy you a sweet padded room and padded suit when they win the lottery!

P.S. If you can't tell, there is a huge hole in the window in the picture above. Thankfully, Josh was able to replace the glass when he got home because that's what guys do....they fix shit when I break it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Jenni's Brush With Death Part III

So here we are again, and yet another episode of Jenni's brush with death. Which also doubles as "Jenni and Josh's Cluster Fuck 2005."

I was driving home from the gym tonight minding my own business, eating my apple when BOOM I blew a tire. I immediately pulled to the right side of the clover leaf where I was exiting one freeway and entering another and while swearing like a truck driver tried calling Josh to come to my rescue. Little did I know Josh had locked himself out of the house as he was in a panic to get a gas can to fill up his car as he, himself had run out of gas. That's right...RUN OUT OF GAS. So there I am, stranded on the side of a clover leaf in the middle of freeway land, and there Josh is stranded on the front steps of the house. No car, no keys, and shit out of luck.

Fortunately he had his cell phone and I was able to reach him. We had to come up with a plan, and fast...so what did we do? We called in our reinforcement, Damian who was (not surprisingly) at the bar a couple cocktails deep. So he slams his drink and is on his way to pick up Josh who has to go to his car (which is currently opperating with a spare) to get the wheel key to my car to be able to put on the spare. (Whew!)

And what do I do while waiting, alone in the dark? Why I take "Blair Witch" inspired photos of myself and send them to Danika...that's what I do!

Look at the fear in my eyes! Terrified, waiting for someone to pull over to the side of the road any moment and take me away into the night...haunting isn't it?

But, my fun was soon cut short as the rescue wagon arrived to change my tire. I walked over to Damians car and was immediately knocked to my feet with the smell of booze, apparantly his "Happy Hour" was still going on...at least the fumes were. So, Josh (a.k.a. My Night In Shining Armour) got out and changed my tire.

Notice how brave, and skillful he is at putting on a spare. So I let him and Damian do the dirty work and I went back to Damians car where Lola was waiting to take more Blair Witch Inspired Photography.

Of which I wanted to show you, but I apparantly cannot download anymore photos. Anyway, Danika, I think you have the one of Lola where it looks like she has no eyes...so if you want you can post it...simply terrifying.

So Josh gets in my car and I drive Damians and we almost make it home when my spare blew. That's right, "Tires 2, People 0." We had to then go back to Josh's car and take the tire he took off his car, which was in bad shape, but OK shape and put it on my car.

So all in all, it turned out to be a cluster of an evening and a preamble as to where I will spend the majority of my day tomorrow...yup, Tires Plus. Gotta love the automobile.

You otha brothas can't deny...

While driving down 35w the other day I was cut off by a SUV bearing the window sticker www.iwantbigrims.com (see above) That’s right…I want big rims .com. Which brought me to thinking, are rims important enough to want in a way you have to stick a sticker in the back of your car to advertise for? Seriously?
How about iwantamilliondollarsandaplaceonthebeach.com? Or, gimme5extravacationdaysandafreetriptofiji.com?
And what about those spinners? I tell you what; if I’m going to pay five thousand dollars for rims that spin when my car is standing still I want to be able to see those fuckers spin! What good are they when you can’t even see them? I’m not paying thousands of dollars so other people get the chance to see my sweet shiny rims spin. Screw that!
The best is when you see those people deck their 92 Saturn out in sweet after market stuff. It’s like putting a hundred-dollar saddle on a five-dollar horse, it just makes no sense. And those are the kind of people you see that owe tens of thousands of dollars in back child support, driving around in their 1994 Ford Escort with chrome rims and some lame ass spoiler glued to the back of their ghetto cruiser.
Am I missing something here?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Once again, I have been MIA for a while. Miss me?

Lots of stuff going on.

I got a promotion at work. That's pretty cool. It's kind of exciting that I can talk about it now, and really really cool to have the letters "V" and "P" right next to each other on my business cards. In true VP style, I just spent the last 2 hours making about 1,000 copies, collating, binding, three-hole-punching, etc. It is very glamorous, readers, being a high-powered marketing executive such as myself.

There is a giant blimp circling Minneapolis and no one knows why. I am obsessed with it. I hope to catch a glimpse of the blimp on my way home tonight.

(a glimpse of the blimp, a glimpse of the blimp, a glimpse of the blimp... say it five times fast. DO IT!)

My BFF is now my ex-BFF which is sad and painful especially as he is here in Minneapolis right now reminding me of how wonderful, caring, and thoughtful he is. Well - he's not here RIGHT NOW, he is in Florida riding roller coasters, but he was here last weekend and will be here again this weekend. It's a strange time... long distance relationships are grueling. Grueling and sad and painful, especially when you both have important and demanding jobs, somewhat limited funds, and very limited vacation time.

It's getting cold here and I'm sad, sad, sad about it. Summer is over! Boo hoo.

Wow. This is getting depressing. In happier news, my kitten is still cute although now that he is 5 months old and HUGE, he does not look so kittenish anymore. And he has taken up the habit of chomping on my thigh at 4am every night so he has now been banished from the bedroom... so he can trash my bathroom every night (the little scamp has figured out how to open drawers to get to the cotton balls, which are invariably ALL OVER THE HOUSE every morning). Here is a picture of Mickey in my plant. I have told him repeatedly to stay out of the plant and sprayed him with water, and moved the plant away from the wall - nothing works. Any hints? Think a little cayenne pepper sprinkled on the plant would do the trick? Or should I just let him play Mickey of the Jungle?

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Fun with Google.

I was over visiting Alie's site when I came across this little google experiment that will be sure give you a quick laugh.

Do this:

Go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs." (Remember to use quotes)

And look at all the things that Google says you need!

Here are the top 6 thing that Google says I need;

1).Jennifer needs a cold shower. This is surprisingly true.

2).Jennifer needs a tutor who can help a client with their Probability Exam in the Somerville area. Yeah, the probability that I would ever even take a Probability Exam is slim to none, but thanks anyway.

3).Jennifer needs to better understand Trump's business and how she can contribute. Trump needs to understand his hair and how he can remedy that sad piece of dead animal carcass on the top of his rich ass head.

4).Jennifer needs to know your new address to re-subscribe you to WAGSnet with your new email address. Jennifer has no clue what WAGSnet is and would most probably make fun of it if she knew what it was.

5).Jennifer needs to say away from HOPE, Hope must have caught what Bo has, because she believes the zombie eyed loser over Jack. It's sad that I know exactly what this means, which directly correlates with "Jennifer needs to stop being pathetic and quit keeping up on her Days of Our Lives gossip." Truly sad.

6).Jennifer needs help. We know that. You know what? That I need HELP? You don't know jack shit, and even if you did you're a frickin search engine, search engines don't KNOW people....(stop incredulously fanatical rant and look around the room...realize silently to myself that maybe Google was right all along.)

What do You need?

Friday, October 07, 2005

Friday: Random internet test day (apparently)

I am 53% Evil Genius.
Deceitful & Crazy!
Evil courses through my blood. Lies and deceit motivate my evil deeds. Crushing the weaklings and idiots that do nothing but interfere in my doings.

I love it that the picture here is of Al Gore.

I really don't know how to take this...

I am 19% White Trash.
Not at all White Trashy!
I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I mean 19% is like almost a quarter, and with a quarter percent of white trash in me I could most probably be eligible for some sort of assistance. I'm blaming this on the fact that I add with my fingers and I have a tatoo, those questions had to have weighed the bulk of my diagnostical train wreck.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Look what we did!

48 jars + 20 lbs of pickles + red peppers + green peppers + yellow peppers + itty bitty squashes + baby carrots + cauliflower florets + jalepenos + dill + vinegar + garlic + all day Sunday =

Whew! 3 weeks 'till delicious pickles!

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Swank Crime Fighting Part II

It was a night like any other. Joshua, Damian, Erica and I were sitting out on the back deck, enjoying a nice Friday evening with cocktails and stories. There was a stillness about the night, a stillness that would soon be interrupted with one simple phrase…“I’m going to fucking kill you!” That’s how it started at least, the phrase “I’m going to fucking kill you” soon escalated into more threats of annihilation and bodily harm.

To keep things real, after one has a couple cocktails you’re not just going to hole up into your house and call the Five-0 via 911, ahem, like I did. No, no…if you’re Joshua, Damian, and Erica, you’re going to find out what’s going on. So that’s what they did. While I was in the house on the phone they walked down the block to make sure everything was O.K. Which incidentally, everything was NOT O.K.

Approaching the end of the block they happened upon two women and three men. Two of the men were fighting, and one was clearly winning sitting on top of the other man beating the crap out of him. Josh saw this and took the liberty of taking the mans shirt by the bottom and pulling it over his head in an effort to break up the fight which surprisingly worked. This is when I walked out into the street to see Josh in the middle of it all, so heroic, so brave, so… lucky that they didn’t kick his ass as well. I was able to hear him direct them to go down the block to the Mobile station and stay there as the other dude headed to his rented house on the corner. As he was walking to the front door he decided to spit at the woman who was standing near him, and throw bricks at her…that’s right throw bricks at her. Only his attempts were in vain as he obviously couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. More choice words were exchanged and that’s when she said the six words that sent all of us home: "He - Has - Guns - In - His - House"…(crickets chirping, crickets chirping, crickets chirping) OK! Hope you work this out, cops should be here shortly, see ya bye.

And that’s all it took to send these Swank Crime Fighters back to the security of their deck and cocktails, another night, another murder attempt thwarted…it’s all in a days work.

(You know what word should be used more often? “Thwarted.” That’s right, “Thwarted.” Use it in a sentence five times today. Do it. You know you want to.)