Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Reasons Why I'm an Asshole; Feeding the Homeless

Feeding the homeless. It's an idea that in all other circumstances would be a completely non-asshole thing to do.

Volunteering at a soup kitchen, donating canned goods to a food shelf, giving money to organizations that help people in need are all really good ways to be a contributing member to society...right?

The other day while Josh and I were en route to wherever we were going we came to a stop at the top of an exit ramp where there happen to be a homeless person, holding a sign that read something like "Homeless, please help."

Now to set the stage for what Josh is about to say next I have to explain why he is driving around with a carton of 50+ beef sticks in the back of his car. Over the fourth of July holiday we were given the package of beef by my friends Dad who apparantly had an overabundant supply. I'm vegan, therefore I won't eat them, and they are WAY too chalk full of preservatives and cancer causing agents for Josh to want to as he refers to it, "Put them in the temple" or what most normal people would say, "eat them."

So as we were sitting there next to the homeless person, separated only by the tempered glass and steel of our German engineered air-conditioned vehicle, Josh looks at me and says, "Should I give him a beef stick?"

"OF COURSE, you should give him a beef stick!" I said.

But then the light turned green and we were unable to pawn off our chewable cancer wrapped in pork intestines to the unassuming homeless man.

The we starting talking, and this is where I become an asshole.

I asked Josh, "What if next time we're not close enough to the homeless person to be able to hand him or her a beef stick? We can't THROW it at them...that would be rude...Maybe we could create a shooting devise like those guns at sporting events where they shoot out t-shirts into the crowd. We could have a gun that shoots beefsticks at the homeless...and we could provide them with signs with targets on them for proper aim to ensure that no one loses and eye...And then as we are shooting we could scream "STEP INTO A SLIM JIM" so they know we are about to fire..."

And there you have it, launching food at the homeless...Just one, of many reasons why I'm an asshole.

Friday, July 25, 2008


For those of you who don't keep current of the happenings of important events that are either currently taking place, or are to take place in the relatively near future, here is a freebie.

September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day and that day is quickly approaching.

I am already making plans to fashion an eyepatch and spend the enitre day using authentic pirate phrases like "Shiver me timbers!", "Baton down the hatches!",and "Thar she blows!"

Instead of saying "my" I will say "me" and I will call my office the "poop deck"...and I will not laugh just because I said the word "poop."

I will refer to my friends as "Matey's" and then I will quickly turn against them in an all too familiar pirate like manner and make them walk the plank while calling them a bunch of scallywags and waiving my sword in their faces.

I also think it would be quite fitting if I were to carry around a bag of "Veggie Booty." I could offer it as a tasty snack, or I could throw it at people as they walked by me...Burton loves Veggie Booty....

Lola, on the other hand is quite indifferent to it.

Not so much of a fan of the booty...

At the end of the day I will go to the bar and scream in my best pirate voice "More ale Wench!"...and eventually be surprised and mildly insulted when they make me leave with my sword, patch, and bag of booty.


I can't wait for September 19th.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Goodbye Sidney, Heaven Has a Wonderful New Angel.

For the last few months I have been helping out here and there with a fundraising effort for my very good friend Chrissy's niece, Sindey.

Sindey was born on July 17 2007 and shortly thereafter was diagnosed with Microvillus Inclusion Disease, an extremely rare disease which basically prevents nutrients from being properly absorbed by the body.

Earlier this year she was sent to Miami to undergo multi-visceral transplant surgery, and recieved transplanted small intestines, large intestines, liver, stomach, pancreas, bladder, and two kidneys.

Sidney was a fighter, she was a brave and strong little girl who did everything she could to make it through, and did, until finally it was just too much.

Sidney peacefully passed away early yesterday morning in the arms of her mom and dad.

I don't know what it is like to be a parent, but I can imagine that losing a child is one of the most horrible things to have to go through.

I encourage you to visit Sidney's website and read her story. She has something to teach each and every one of us about perservence and being strong, not many people could put up with everything that little girl had to go though and still have a smile on their face.

She has taught me that we should be thankful for what we have and that we have a lot to learn when it comes to what really matters in life.

If you are able, I also encourage you to donate to her family, the cost of the medical procedures are (as can be imagined) extremely expensive and they could use all the help that those of us have to offer.

You can also view Sidney's story as reported on WCCO TV.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Not One Of My Finer Moments

Following the seemingly ill-advised instructions of your drunk friend at a bachelorette party to put a shot glass in your cleavage and let some random guy then stick his face in your boobs while he takes the shot of alcohol (which is most probably the last thing he needs) is called "taking one for the team."

Having photos of the event is called "blackmail."

Posting them on your blog is called "stupid."

However, I thought this photo is much too hilarious not to post.

It was a night of drunken debauchery, and it was totally acceptable because we were 1). Drunk and 2). At a bachelorette party.

I find it absolutely amazing the things you can get away with when you are one of the members of a bachelorette party. People give you money, people take their shirts off at the bar and flex because you told them to, people take off their underwear and give them to you...It's up to you whether or not you want to put them on your head and parade around the bar. (No, that was NOT me...trust me...)

Also, people (by people I mean the guy in the photo with the flames on his shirt) can horn in on your moment and steal your thunder when they strip completely naked (COMPLETELY) and stand by the bar wearing nothing but your bra. (Hey, I didn't have a choice in the matter, my bra was the easiest to remove through my dress and my friend already had it half off me by the time I even noticed...Thank you Tanqueray.) My bra will never be the same because as you can see in the above photo, that guy isn't exactly...well....ahh...fit.

So there you have it. If I ever run for political office I am sure this picture will surface...Well, I know it will because you don't have to look too hard to find it...But hey, it's all in good fun!

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

It hasn't been long enough to forget my password!

But it has been long...

I have no excuse. Busy? Yes. Lazy? Yes. A life full of jet setting vacations, hob-nobbing with the rich and famous and drinking martinis by the gallons? Hardly.

A few things that have happened since my last post:


Kirby lasted with us less than four days. He tried to kill Lola on multiple occasions...This was a dog that would have even given Cesar a run for his money.

"But he's so cute, and innocent looking!" you say. Look, there's nothing cute and innocent about his jaws rapped around my dogs neck as I try to peel his angry snarling self off of her practically lifeless body. It was traumatic, it was horrible, and I cried for three of those four days.

He would literally walk circles around me in my living room and if Lola would even attempt to come close he would attack. I felt like I was being imprisoned, I felt like Julia Roberts in sleeping with the enemy. Only, he didn't really care about the bathroom towels or the cans in the cupboard....Oh, and I know how to swim...and I have better hair...

Anyway,I felt bad, but the people at the rescue assured me that it was O.K. to give him back and let them find a better home for him. The lady said that Lola is so submissive that it would take a dog to pretty much "kick is ass" to set him straight.

So, they put him in a foster home with three ass kickin dogs and it did nothing. He even kicked THEIR asses...Then went after the cat. When I called to check up on him, the foster organizer said that they decided to call him "Cujo."

Seriously though, he was a really sweet and good dog when there were no other animals around and they were able to find him a wonderful home with a wonderful family who adopted him.


So after Lola was able to psychologically heal, a couple of weeks went by and we were able to find the perfect pal for her and us. He's actually Lola's half brother. We made the trip to the same breeder...A wonderful woman with a huge farm with horses, and animals and a nice loving facility for the animals. Rolling hills and fields for them to run and play, they also board dogs for when you go on vacation. Her dogs all look so happy and I really feel good about going back and recommending her.

So, here is the little guy...

His name is Burton. Burt Squirt, Burton Bear...And he is just great. He and Lola sleep together, eat together, play together. He's teething right now and she even cleans his mouth for him and helps with his pain and suffering. It's so DAMN cute! They're best buds and we all couldn't be happier.

Oh, and he wears a tie for special occasions. Shut up. Would you expect anything less.

My dad

My dad is doing well. He still has dementia (obviously it's not going away),he still forgets who my husband is, and he still steals his wallet. Seriously. My dad has become a klepto since this whole dementia thing. And we laugh about it, mainly because we're a bunch of assholes, but also because it's pretty damn funny. A few months ago, my dad put on Josh's jacket, opened up the pocket, took his wallet out, opened it up, grabbed the bills out of it, and put them in his jeans pocket. All while we were all sitting in the living room.

It was as plain as day. I could have lit my ass on fire and hung it out the window of my speeding car, and I would still have been considerably more discreet.


I usually post a Top Ten List of the things I learned at the cabin over the Fourth of July Holiday. However, I didn't really learn anything new this year. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and I know that drinking a gallon of Margarita mix has never and will never be a good idea. Or maybe it's because I am no longer allowed near the bonfire with gasoline and matches, or maybe this was just an odd year. Anyway, it was still a blast, and I am still sun burnt.

But, it's always good to reminis.