Wednesday, May 31, 2006

It's a BIRD! No...It's a PLANE! No....IT'S...WTF?...Shit, I really don't know what the hell that is.

I practically live out of my car on a daily basis, driving around from client to client I have come to know the Twin Cities Metro area like the back of my hand, knowing each and every shortcut. That being said, I have seen and driven by some pretty weird shit. Like yesterday when I was stuck in standstill traffic on 694 because a “Biffy” truck had flipped into the ditch and caused a MAJOR mess. Gah.

However, nothing quite compares to this:

(Note the semi-truck in the background as a marker for actual size)

I have driven by this God-awful statue that stands at the entrance of a trucking company at least every other month for about four years and every time I catch myself saying out loud “What the fuck?” Sometimes I make myself turn my head and pretend it’s not there, but it’s too hard, like when the Biffy truck was in the ditch…you don’t want to look, but you just can’t stop yourself.

When I actually pulled off the road and onto the shoulder to take this picture I was contemplating going inside and asking the owner why he felt the need to erect a three story high statue of what appears to be a little boy in his shorts holding a truck. But then I decided I probably would rather not know, and the possibility of coming face to face with such a man was…well…frightening.

Now, I may have to endure the viewing of this thing 5 to 6 times a year max, but the real losers in this situation are the people that live across the field with full view of this monstrosity. Can you imagine waking up every morning, looking out of your large beautiful windows that cover the entire side of your house and stare directly at THAT? Seriously, if it were me and I lived there it would probably take me a total of 3-6 hours before I snapped and was found with an axe swinging madly at it’s ankles in an attempt to ground the fucker.

But that’s just me.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Cabin Memories (Alternate Title: Random Drunk Story Number 1)

This weekend I'm heading up to the cabin in search of relaxation and fun. In honor of this event I have decided to repost one of my most embarrassing/drunk/dangerous moments that took place at the cabin Labor Day of 2004. Enjoy!

Riding Lawnmowers and Beer; A Really Bad Idea. (Posted May of 2005)

Have you ever realized that your best ideas come to surface when you've been drinking? Such an idea surfaced last Labor Day while at my friend's parents cabin for the weekend.

We decided to clean out the shed (which is actually really cool with screened windows and wooden screened door), and turn it into the "Ultimate Tiki Bar." In order to do so we had to remove the two riding lawnmowers and park them next to the garage where the other riding lawnmower resides. So, after the tiki bar was established and more drinks were consumed someone mentioned how cool it would be if we were to have lawnmower races. At the time I thought it was most probably the best idea I have ever heard. At least the best idea since about 5 minutes earlier when we did the whole put your head on the baseball bat thing and spin around ten times and then run. Which Josh did and ran smack dab into the side of the tiki bar...Ouch, but still, I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.

So the lawnmower races ensued, there was a track, and finish line, and I even started the race standing between two of the lawnmowers in a dramatic rendition of Cha Cha's race starting moves in the movie Greece. The races went off without a hitch and the real drama didn't begin until Chrissy and I decided to take two of the lawnmowers down to the store to get ice.

To set the scene, their driveway down to the cabin is really long and the total trip to the store and back is just under a half a mile each way. Usually, the road is empty, however since it was Labor Day the resort next door was packed from the "turtle races" and there were cars lined all the way down the road on one side. I was on the older lawnmower and watched as Chrissy's step dad Pat started it for me. He lifted the hood and pulled the cord and it just started, that's all I saw. All he said was that the rabbit makes it go faster and the turtle slows it down. Simple right? Wrong.

We made it up the driveway and Chrissy was ahead of me, naturally I wanted to go faster, because fast is a good idea on a riding lawnmower when you've been drinking. I was messing with some levers and ended up stalling it. Chrissy kept going while turning around to see what I was doing. After watching Pat start it I flipped up the hood and pulled the cord. Nothing. Pulled it again. Nothing. This time I took all my energy and violently pulled the cord and watched in awe as the lawnmower sped across the road and slammed itself into the tire of a 4 door sedan of which I refuse to name for legal reasons. It was at that point I realized that I forgot to put the mower into neutral.

Chrissy turns around to see me run across the road and try to pull the girating lawnmower off the vehicle as it is viciously ramming itself over and over again into the side of the car and caught under the body above the wheel. Laughing hysterically with tears in her eyes she managed to come over and assist in turning off the lawnmower while we both pulled it off the car in front of us.

Surprisingly, there was no damage to the car. If the mower would have been a little to the left, or a little to the right we would have been screwed. Plus, no one was around to witness the disaster and except for a few scratches under the wheel rim on the backside of the body everything was fine, except for the lawnmower, which had definitely seen better days. The hood was brutally dented in and we were unable to latch it, not to mention I was in shock and my mind was going a mile a minute to try and think of a story to cover our tracks.

We quickly assesd the situation, and decided that there needed to be a cover. There was no WAY we were going to tell ANYONE that I had just caused the lawnmower to crash into someones car and then leave the scene of the accident. So we lied.

While driving back down to the cabin we thought up a story to tell everyone that I had hit a tree. As we arrived, we were ironically showered by our friend Ian who ran towards us shaking up two cans of beer and spraying us with them...shotgun style. We were able to coax him into bending the hood of the lawnmower back to its original (sort of) state and explain what happened only to the tree, not the car.

Later that night while sitting in the tiki bar the truth came out and everyone learned what had happened. I was really embarrassed, but now thinking back it makes me laugh. Hysterically.

So here's to riding lawnmowers and alcohol, only one of many of my really bad ideas

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

My Life On Backorder

It seemed as though nothing was going my way. I mean, being an individual of instant gratification (which includes, but is not limited to having the patience of a six-year-old) it makes waiting for things…well COMPLETELY unbearable.

The beginning of last month I ordered a pair of outdoor drapes from Pottery Barn for the pergola that covers part of my deck.

Aren’t they charming?

Anyway, when I ordered them online there was a notation in red that read, “This item will not be available until after May 5th.” Naturally I was hesitant because, waiting three weeks for something is NOT in my nature. But I ordered them and waited…and waited….and eventually the second week in May I called the customer service line searching for my purchase.

“Oh, well, we’re expecting another shipment in on the 18th.”

“Great! Can you check to see if I’m in that shipment, Thanks.”

“Well….it’s more complicated than that because there’s a list.”

“O.K., how long is this list?”

“Well…there’s 400 orders on this list.”

Little did I know that outdoor curtains from Pottery Barn would be in such high-demand. So I decided to wait and call back the next week.

“Yeah, apparently you weren’t on the list for that shipment, let me check with my manager and see if you’ll be on the next list.”

“Thanks” (Listens to jazzy Pottery Barn Music while on hold. Dances a little in the living room, perfects the “mambo” while incorporating a little “ball change.” Thank God for cordless phones.”

“Hello? Yeah, looks like you’re on the next list, they should be there before June 1st. It looks like you have another order here, would you like me to check on this one also?”

Yeah, it seemed that the whole “backorder” thing has become addictive because while perusing the Pottery Barn catalogue I came across this really cute star clip light-bulb cover that would go PERFECT in my upstairs hallway.

So sassy.

Anyway, I HAD to have it and when the same backorder message came up I shrugged my shoulders and ordered it anyway. Looks like the Pottery Barn School of Backorder did a little work on my tolerance.

That is until I recently ordered a pair of Dansko’s from the shoe shop in my neighborhood.

Look how cute! RED shoes! I’m a veritable effin Dorothy over here!

Anyway, they were out of my size so I had them place an order for me. The lady said it would be five to ten days and although two weeks seemed like an awfully long time for me to be able to tap my heels together and wish for home, I agreed and place the order.

So, yesterday, since it had been EIGHT days, I called to check on my order and the guy that answered the phone said “Oh, yes! Well, these shoes are on backorder until June 26th.”

“June 26th! Sweet Jesus! I’ll never get home!”

“What? Do you want to still keep the order?”

“Sure. But is there anyway you could get them faster? Like tomorrow?”


“Fine. Thanks anyway.”

So there you have it. Everything in my life is on backorder. But the good news is while I was typing this I received a shipment conformation from Pottery Barn and my drapes have been sent! So, at least I can look forward to that.

It’ll be like Christmas…only not.
Oh well.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Sign Savy

I hate it when people post dumb signs that tell you to do or not do the obvious. Like the tampon sign that's always hanging in the bathroom to remind us Laides not to flush our tampons or tampon applicators down the toilet.
The following is a sign I happened upon while visiting the Ladies room at one of my dealerships.

What this sign should read:

Congratulations! You’re a FREAKING retard! Even more so if you are able to read this sign and lack the common sense to figure out how to lock and unlock this door.
How do you make it through life? Please press the large red button on the wall to the left of you (your other left) and wait for the large man in the yellow short bus to come and take you back to the first grade where you can associate with people of similar intelligence and door locking and unlocking know-how.


Friday, May 19, 2006

Dr. Effin Doolittle

I really don’t know if I give off some sort of “vibe” for lost animals, but they always seem to find their way to me.

Last week it was the blue parakeet that landed on my patio furniture, and this week it was the limping geriatric canine.

I was relaxing on the sofa after a long days work when Lola began barking at whatever was outside the window. I told her to be quiet, but she would just look at me and continue on with her barking…which is REALLY annoying. So, I got up and looked out the window only to see this poor old dog limping down the street, I watched it for a little while, thinking maybe its owner was somewhere around, but no such luck. So I ran down the block to catch him.

Isn't he sweet?

I think he has arthritis, either that or a broken foot as it was looking a little deformed, although he didn’t appear to be in too much pain. He was wearing a collar that read “All American Dog” but unfortunately, didn’t have any tags so I brought him into the backyard and gave him some water, which he quickly drank.

I ended up introducing him to Lola and they became fast friends. I summoned one of my neighbors to come over and take a look to see if he recognized my new little friend, but no such luck. I even sat on the front steps with him on a leash hoping that someone would come by looking for him. He appeard to be well taken care of, someone HAD to be missing him, right?

Anyway, I ended up calling Animal Control to have him picked up…I didn’t know if his foot really was broken and I didn’t want to risk it. This really nice lady came to get him and said they will keep him there for seven days and if nobody claims him they will put him up for adoption.

This is where my eyes well up with tears thinking of my new friend familyless in a kennel somewhere. I couldn’t bear to think that no one would claim this dog…makes me so sad just thinking about it. So, I’m afraid if this guy doesn’t find his home, or “a” home for that matter I’ll end up with another dog. It kills me to think that he may spend the rest of his life, however long that may be, in a cage. I can’t have this hanging over my head…damnit!
Somebody please say something to make me feel better…PLEASE!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

And now....On with The Toilet Monster

My sister voted for Bush…I know, sad. Ever since then, I haven’t let her forget it. I buy her stupid Bush things and then have them sent to her house with notes attached like “Hey, you brought this on yourself.” Like the time I sent her the book of “Bushisms.”

More recently I was surfing the net and found “The Farting Bush Doll” here. I HAD to have it, and I HAD to have it shipped to my sister with an enclosed card that read. “Here’s your President, busy stinking up the whole damn country. Nice Job.”

Anyway, you pull his finger and he says things like “(Farts loudly)That’s what I call the flatulation proclamation.” And “(Farts loudly) America, I just S*!t in my pants.” It’s great.

Oh, the Toilet Monster…ANYWAY, ever since I bought the Farting Bush I get a newsletter via email from The Prank Place, and the other day they sent one titled "The Toilet Monster is on the loose at Prank Place" featuring, the one and only “Toilet Monster” which is funny, because a few years ago Josh and I bought his Dad the EXACT SAME toilet monster as a gag gift for Christmas. (Because what else to you buy a man who already has a remote control fart machine?) Wanna know something even more funny? Josh’s dad had already bought the toilet monster for HIMSELF.

It gets better.

So, one day Josh’s dad thought it would be funny to install The Toilet Monster in their hallway bathroom (which is right by the door to the garage) in a really lame attempt to scare Josh’s mom who was out running errands.

Now, unfortunately for her (and the toilet monster) she pulled into the garage and had to pee…really really bad. So, she rushed into the bathroom, flipped up the toilet lid not paying ANY attention to the red plastic monster that was lunging at her ass, sat down and…yup…peed all over the toilet monster.

She was pissed…literally. She had to not only clean the entire bathroom, but also had to boil the toilet monster and wash all of her clothes.

All for a prank. A prank that ended up being much more funny than intended, all thanks to The Toilet Monster.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Happy Birthday Lola!

I was going to write about the Toilet Monster but that's just going to have to wait because...IT'S LOLA'S BIRTHDAY! Yes, ladies and gentelman, my favoirte little Jack Russell Terrier turns the big TWO today, so tonight she's going to have gourmet doggie treats from her favorite store "Lulu & Luigi", a new collar and leash, and a nice long walk around her favorite lake.

You can visit Lola any time you like at her Dogster Dog Page.

Yes, my dog has a web page...you got a problem with that?

Didn't think so...


Monday, May 15, 2006

Jenni; Against All Odds

I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "Damn! Who are these fabulous looking folks in the picture that Jenni posted?" And don't worry; I'll get to that.

I wanted to do an ode to my mom for Mother's Day, but I got sidetracked and it has everything to do with this photo I found in a box of photos I took from my parents house.

For those of you who know me, you know that my siblings are MUCH older than me. As a matter of fact, my mom was twenty years old when she had my older brother and was forty years old when she had me, and had two more in between with the youngest being fifteen years my elder.

If I were to guess, based solely upon fashion and the age of my siblings and cousins, this photo was probably taken around 1973, three years before I was born.

My mom is the classy dame wearing the navy sleeveless crewneck, black glasses and hair pulled back in a fancy up-do. Isn't she lovely?

My father is the guy in the white and blue butterfly collared shirt sandwiched between two strapping fells who way to closely resemble Beck,and Kelso, from "That 70's Show." Incidentally, these two just happen to be my brothers.

My sister is sitting down in front on the very left, the one with the barrette and the red pants...who would later move on to become a beauty queen and a hypochondriac. Despite this, I love her all the same.

But there was one thing missing...ME!

Recently my mom shared with me how she found out she was pregnant, which is strange, it took 30 years for her to tell me, or maybe it took 30 years for me to ask. Anyway, it was about a year after my father had brain surgery to remove a tumor from his pituitary gland, and back then neuro-surgery came with a lot more risk than today. (This is also where I believe the seed for the earlier mentioned hypochondronism was planted...Wait, is that even a word? "Hypochondronism?...Whatever.)

Apparently my mom wasn't feeling well so she went to the doctor where they ran some tests and told her to come back the next day. When she did, they placed her in the maternity section of the hospital. Now to any other individual such a blatant placement would probably lead one to believe they were...ahhhh...pregnant. (Hey, I said she was lovely, I didn't say she was sharp...just kidding mom) She said she thought to herself that they must be really busy to put her there and when the doctor came in and said, "Do you know why you're in this room?" It all hit her like a ton of bricks...She was pregnant!

She went on to tell me that the doctor went on to explain the risks of having me, with her being at a ripe old age of 40 and said, "You know, you don't have to have this baby." To which (thankfully) my mom said, "I AM SO HAVING THIS BABY!" And the rest is history.

I've always written myself off as a mistake and I've taken my mom's term "afterthought" as a more polite way to say "mistake." That is until recently. Now looking back on it I realized that after my dad's surgery my parents must have found a new lease on life and decided to give it another go...which I guess is also pretty fortunate for me.

Which leads me to the title of my E! True Hollywood Story "Jenni; Against All Odds." Now I just need to become wildly famous and worthy of an hour-long spot on E! Hey, if Todd Bridges made it, so can I.

In all seriousness though, I hope all of you thanked your Moms this Mother's Day, because without her...well...you know!

Friday, May 12, 2006

The Bird Flew....(hardy har-har)

He landed on my patio furniture and sat there like he belonged, joyfully chirping, singing a song with lyrics only a parakeet could understand, he was free at last and enjoying every minute of it.

“Holy shit! There’s a parakeet on our deck, we need to catch it before it gets away!” That’s the only thing I could say, before Damian grabbed the nearest box and charged at the thing like a…well…a tall lanky man with a box to a parakeet. I can’t tell you how many times we “almost” caught it, till the time we actually did catch it, but I can say this; If we had a video camera we’d be $10,000 richer.

I walked around the neighborhood looking for anyone who may be out searching for a lost bird, questioned a few people and no one seemed to be missing our new friend. We ended up taking it into the house and fed it some finch food from the feeder where it ate like it hadn’t eaten in days. We decided that we should give it a name for the time being, and since Damian was the one who ultimately caught it, we thought that naturally we should name him Omen. The we got to thinking, we could keep it here for a few days and see if anyone posts anything around the neighborhood, but then again, it would be living in a Hefeweizen beer box, which unless you’re a German bird, is not a way for any down-home parakeet to live. Or, we could keep the bird, buy a cage, deal with its incessant chirping and bird shit until it finally drops dead , or we could take it to Petco where the lady said they would keep it for a few days in the back room and then if nobody claims it they will adopt it out. So, we chose option “C”, packed up Omen in a grocery bag and off to Petco we went.

I owned a yellow parakeet once in college, his name was Clem and he was a little bastard. Especially when he hung around with my roommate’s cockatiel “Chicken.” Clem and Chicken would fly around the house together and shit all over everything, while gnawing on the beautiful built-in buffet that was in our dining room…damn, if I only knew then what I know now. I eventually gave Clem away to this little Mexican boy that lived across the street where Clem was no longer Clem...Clem was now "Pedro."

I haven’t thought much about Clem, or Pedro, or whoever he became, and that makes me kind of sad…yeah…not really, but whatever. And to Clem and Omen, wherever you two may be, may your wings never get clipped, and your chirps never be silenced, here’s looking at you…cheers!

Monday, May 08, 2006

Wow, did this week fly by or what?! (Alternate Title: I'm a Slacker)

I really have nothing to say about my commitment, or lack thereof, to this blog in the recent week. I have been busy though, so I’ve decided to make a photo documentary of what I’ve been up to the past week.

Besides, work, which is the obvious, I decided to take Friday off to give myself a long weekend in order to do some things around the house. Now it’s Monday morning and I’m so exhausted I wish I would’ve taken off work to do nothing but sit around and relax…no such luck.


Friday was to be my day for antiquing. I planned on looking for an old bookcase to store books and things in my front entryway/sunroom. I went to multiple antique stores and although I didn’t find a bookcase I found something better…I found a mantle (see below).

Being the clever and crafty individual that I am I decided to purchase this antique mantle (which is shown upside down) from a cute little antique store on 50th and Xerxes, and **make it into a bookcase. The lady at the store was so impressed with my creativity that she was going to have one made for her daughter-in-law when she found another mantle, and she was even the interior designer! I know, I rock.


Being the charitable and giving (along with clever and crafty) individual that I am I spent Saturday with Josh, Lola, Chrissy, Luke and sweet baby Lance at the 32nd Annual Walk for the Animals to benefit the Animal Humane Society , which is the largest of it’s kind in the world, raising more money than any other for their organization. I managed to get $175 in pledges and score myself a nice t-shirt.
Here are Chrissy, Luke, Lance and I stopping for a photo-op at the half-way-point.

After our walk we took the top down in The Rollerskate and went for a little ride and then **headed home to do some gardening, mow the lawn, and plant some shrubs. Our neighbor across the street, who is a professional landscaper and owns his own landscaping company gave us some plants and shrubs that were left over from a job that he had recently done and some great advice as to where to plant them.


In the morning we took Lola for a bike ride around Lake Nokomis,which is right by our house, stopped at the Nokomis Coffee Shop for a chai tea, ran into Sandra and Laddie and chatted for a bit, and then it was time to head home to spend some time with my parents who decided to come up and hang with Josh and I for the day.
We ended up having lunch at Tuggs on St. Anthony Main, and going to Bachmans to find some plants and flowers for my flower boxes that Josh recently made for me.
This picture is of the front of the house, with the new shrubs, hydrangea and other cool plants we bought to make the house look ever so charming and cottagy.

I have yet to plant the flower boxes, I’m hoping to get those done this week sometime and fill them with flowers like these…

While Josh was busy with the yard, fertilizing, planting some more shrubs and such, I decided to do the neighborly thing and bake my favorite Rosemary-Semolina, Olive Oil and Sea Salt round to give to my neighbor to thank him for his help with our landscaping. However, I couldn’t bake just one, had to make another because when you spend five hours baking bread and can’t have a taste…well…that just sucks.

**Should read have Josh make it into a bookcase.
**Should read, headed home for Josh to mow the lawn, and plant some shrubs.

Monday, May 01, 2006

The Bush Controversy

I can’t quite decide if I’m writing this post because a). I’m an anal retentive shrub Nazi who really wants some sincere suggestions on how to handle this situation, or b). I have the sense of humor of a 16-year old boy.

So, here goes…

This is my neighbors bush.

As you can see, it’s clearly out of control with it’s branches and bushiness hanging out everywhere like some sort of crazy…well…bush.
Normally, people prune these things and make them all nice and straight, kind of like this:

Now, my yard is fairly neat, all my bushes are nice and trimmed because…well…that’s how I roll.

My question is, how do I politely ask my neighbor, who just happens to be female, to trim her bush? Do I say, “Hey, Tiffany, you’re bush is looking a little unruly, you may want to consider giving it a trim?” Or do I offer my bush trimming services and say, “You know Tiffany, I was planning on doing some trimming of my own, since I have my clippers out, I wouldn’t mind coming over and giving your bush a clipping.” OR I could have Josh go over there and give a males perspective and he could say “You know, as a man, we like our bushes nice and neat, maybe you should consider tidying that monster up a tad.”

Hmmmm…so many insulting and unnecessary options, I really don’t know where to begin.

What do you think?