Thursday, November 29, 2007

Casting Call!

It has recently come to my attention that my nephew is a shoe-in for a young Lloyd from "Dumb and Dumber." I find this hysterically funny.

So if anyone knows the Farrelly Brothers and they're considering writing a prequel to the prequel to the movie, tell them to call me...I have their guy.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Garden Variety Rant

I have had it. I have had it with this whole talk about "Black Friday."

Am I the only person who really could care less about how much we spent or how much retailers made on a given day in November?

I just turned on the news and that was the lead story..."Black Friday."

I can't stand it anymore...The way the newscasters talk about it with a smirk on their happy little faces like they're trying to say "Oh, look how clever we are to talk about "Black Friday" and it's cute little term with it's cute little "let's kick off the Holiday bullshit" In fact, let's take a whole long weekend to talk about this because I am sure that there is nothing better to talk about in the world like genocide or terrential monsoons that swept away peoples lives."


I'd rather them bring back the fucking bird flu crap than utter one more inane word about "Black Friday."

And then they started in about "Ciber Monday" and I nearly lost it. This is where I turned off the T.V.

"CIBER FUCKING MONDAY." As if we didn't get enough with "Black Friday" now you want me to sit here and listen to how retailers are going to gather in the hoards with their gimicks of "Free Shipping" and special on-line only sales.

Have we lost the true meaning of what this season is really about? Is it really about gifts, and shopping, and credit cards, and spending insane amounts of money on STUFF?

NO! It's NOT! It's about friends and family and get togethers, doing good for those that are less fortunate and being thankful for the things that we HAVE, not the things we are going to buy for "40% off One Day And One Day Only."

And what's the rush? Why did all those people stand outside in the cold in line at their local Walmart at 4:00 am on Friday? To save a few bucks on their flat screen TV? I'll tell you what, I can think of something I would rather be doing at 4:00am the day after a national holiday and It's called SLEEP. Not only that, but I'd be willing to pay 20% MORE than to have to stand in line and battle it out with the kind of people that would actually fall for the hype.

And to those people I have a few questions; Tell me, was it really worth it? Was it worth risking your life to be trampeled to death by some obsessed overweight couch potato who will stop at nothing to get his hands on that mediocre flat screened TV? Was it worth standing in line with screaming kids who are most probably sleep deprived thanks to their ridiculious parents who had to drag them out of bed to save a few bucks on STUFF? Was is worth wanting to drive your car off the nearest overpass because that asshole in the Dodge Neon just took the last parking space at the FREAKING MALL?


{I am attributing the above rant to my November detox. I have been 26 days without any sort of alcohol and I think it is wearing on me. Last night before I went to bed I almost started drinking my Listerine. Seriously it's that bad. All I have to say is, "Four more days to go....Four more days."
So, with that being said, If I insulted anyone in the aforementioned rant I apologize...I still think you're an idiot...But at least I'm sorry for it.}

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Friday, November 16, 2007

Raindrops on Roses and Bob Hope in statue...

For those of you who have always wondered what a miniature bronzed Bob Hope would look like, wait no more...Although I don't have the actual picture I can assure you that he would look just like Cotton Hill from King of the Hill.

At least the miniature bronzed statue of Bob Hope at the VA Medical Center in Minneapolis does.

The only clue that lead me to believe that it was actually supposed to be Bob Hope was the plaque that was placed below him that read "Bob Hope." Otherwise I would have left that God-forsaken place believing that for some unknown reason the folks at the VA felt the need to bronze a cartoon character and place him adjacent to the visitor entrance.

The conversation between my mother and I went something like this.

J(Jenni)= Hey! Look! It's a bronzed Bob Hope!
M(Mom)= (staring and tilting her head from side to side) That doesn't look like Bob Hope...It looks like someone lopped off his shins and attached his feet to his knees...They must have run out of bronze.

I hate hospitals.

I was somehow roped into going with my mom and dad to my dad's dermatology appointment. I'm not going to get into the specifics, because my dads medical history is long and arduous. Just know that sitting in the same room while they preformed a biopsy on some skin cancer on his face and then having to smell burnt flesh while they cauterized the wound was not pleasant in the least.

After it was all over and done with my mom wanted to know if I wanted to go for lunch. Yeah, pass. I think I lost my appetite back there somewhere around the whole lancing and burning bucket of fun I was subjected too.

Thanks though!

Friday, November 09, 2007

Real Complicated

Real Simple and I have issues.

When it was brand new I was most probably one if it's first subscribers, that was before it was five-thousand pages and didn't fit into my mailbox anymore. Now my mother-in-law renews my subscription every year.

In fact just the other day Josh was going through our "magazine bin" and after picking up the 20 lb magazine (with both hands) he said, why don't you cancel your subscription to this...It's WAY too big and has gotten out of control. I told him that I completely agree and that his mother is the one perpetuating the madness.

His response?

"Tell her to stop."

And he said it in the tone like she was just caught beating a puppy with the latest issue.

Honestly, I thought the magazine was great when it was new and fresh, now I don't know how many times I need to be reminded when to change out my toothbrush, or how many "Aha" uses a paperclip can have.

I'm done with you Real Simple.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Random Salad

Don't get me wrong, I love snow...When it's Christmas time. But yesterday as I was getting out of my car in the Whole Foods parking lot and a snowflake fell gently from the sky and landed ever so softly on my jacket, I couldn't have been any more mortified than if it were Satan himself.

SNOW?!! WTF???!!!

I experienced "Effing Ow Part II" yesterday and realized something...You know what sucks more than sitting in the chirapractors office while he pushes, cracks and pulls your body back into shape?

Paying $65 to let him do it.

Is threatening your cat with a "dirt nap" because of her incessant meowing wrong? And if you said "yes" to this, have you ever lived with a cat who incessantly meows?

Didn't think so.

Monday, November 05, 2007

What if....

If my husband were Chinese he would look just like this guy...

Seriously, the resemblance is uncanny. Take a look for yourself...

O.K. so maybe that's not the best picture...Just take my word for it.

Oh, and go here for my latest gluten free vegan recipe!