Monday, February 28, 2005

Through Sickness and Health, Vasectomy and Fertility

For those of you who do not know what a vasectomy is, it’s kind of like the human version of neutering. It’s where the doctor goes in and severs the vas deferens in the testicles and ties them at the end so afterward the Mr. is left “shooting blanks.”
Anyway, a good friend of mines’ husband went to get this done and the best part about it is that the doctor actually let her cut one of the vas deferens. Now, what is running through my head as she is telling me this is seeing her holding a gigantic pair of scissors,(with both hands) striking a pose for the camera with a large grin on her face. Kind of like when celebrities or important city people cut the big ribbon when they are about to open a business. Sharing the same sense of humor as I, I am sure that she was thinking the exact same thing.
Apparently when her husband caught wind of this (and being slightly sedated on anesthesia) he decided to tell the doctor that she “farts like a barnyard animal” to try and dissuade the possibility of his wife coming near his testicles with a scissor. Now I can attest to this barnyard animal thing as I have been with her when she managed to clear the whole dartboard section of a bar a few years back. However, this did not put any sort of kibosh on the effort that was to become a lifetime of infertility for her husband, and I can imagine it just made her want to do it more. So in the end, he left unable to reproduce, and she left with the satisfaction that she had an important part in the whole thing. Isn’t that what true love is all about?


Thursday, February 24, 2005

It's All About Priorities.

Today I went to the doctor for my yearly exam. I can think of many more things I wish I were doing, or many more places I would rather have been than on the table in the doctors office with my legs up in the air getting a cold metal instrument shoved between my legs. Pap smear. I hate pap smears. Just saying the word pap smear is unpleasant. Try saying it with a smile on your face…it’s impossible isn’t it? Now try saying Pina Colada. Instant smile. Am I right? It also doesn’t help when you forget to turn off your cell phone and it rings with your new “Copacabana” ring tone. You know, the one you thought was so awesome, the one with Barry Manilow actually singing the song. Nice. Especially when your doctor is young, male and conventionally attractive. Even better when you laugh and it makes it that much more difficult to insert the cold metal thingy. Hate.
It gets better. After discussing the arthritis that I have been battling the past few years he has come to the conclusion that it may be gluten that is causing all of my issues. So, he put me on a “gluten-free” diet. After explaining what foods are gluten free and what foods contain gluten he sent me home with homework to pull a list off of the internet to use as a guideline. So, when I got home I fired up the computer and started to search. I came up with quite a list of things I can no longer eat or drink. Josh listened as I read them out loud and the conversation went something like this…

M (Me): So, I can’t eat wheat, pasta, preservatives, blah, blah, blah…BEER! I CAN’T DRINK BEER!!
J(Josh): What? No BEER? What can you drink?
M: I better be able to drink Vodka! I don’t see vodka on the list.
J: Well, you can eat potato’s right? Some vodka is made with potatoes.
M: What? Potato vodka? Is Ketel One potato vodka? What about gin? I love gin.
J: I don’t know (while examining the bottle of Ketel One). No, it says it’s distilled from grains.
M: What kind of grains? I’m going to their website….

And it went on like that for quite some time. You see, what makes this so sad is that the only time the level of concern was raised was when it came to the sauce. Who cares if I can’t eat bread, pasta and half of everything else in the food pyramid? I may not be able to drink booze!
So, as it all turns out I am no longer able to drink Ketel One as it is distilled from wheat, and my search for a yummy potato vodka has now began.
Wish me luck.
Posted by Jen

My moment of fame

What I learned from last night's telethon:

1) Your friends will laugh at you when they see you on TV (thanks Jen!).
2) You should put the phone number up for more than 7 seconds for those viewers who don't watch the news with a pencil and paper at hand.
3) In the 0.00005 seconds that you are on screen, don't cross your arms, making it appear that you are using your forearms to prop your breasts up on the table.
4) If you see a telethon and notice a lot of activity at the phone banks, they are probably all just pretending to answer the phone. Like we were.
5) An unusual number of people will actually notice you on TV even though you could barely find yourself when you watched the taped broadcast later.
6) Seriously. These people need help. Go here if you want to donate: https://www.archq.org/donate_kare.shtml

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

By request, I present, Phil Shane

Throughout my entire life of 28 years (soon to be 29, argh) it seems that I have always known of Elvis Presley . He has become an American icon that has been tattooed in my mind as someone as important to this country as George Washington or Abraham Lincoln. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, Thomas Edison invented electricity, and Elvis Presley invented Rock and Roll. And despite numerous reported sightings at the local supermarket, or Betty Ford clinic, I had every reason to believe that Elvis was dead. Until that is, I was taken to see Phil Shane by a friend I had met while in Southern California training for my new job.
Looking back, I believe I may have had an idea as to what I was getting into when Stephanie explained Phil Shane as a cross between an ultra cheesy lounge singer and Elvis Presley himself. And it wasn’t until I actually walked through the door of Original Mikes in Santa Ana that I would have believed who Phil Shane really was. To put things into perspective, Phil is an all but five foot two singing machine with his greased back hair and leather pants as tight as the security at Fort Knox. His costume changes are reminiscent of a show put on by The King himself and his stage presence and groupies are what put the proverbial icing on the cake.
That’s right, I said groupies. I couldn’t believe it either when I glanced across the room to find a table full of rather large women wearing moo-moos and shaking maracas. There was even the token nursing home resident propped up in a wicker chair half-asleep in his suspenders, white shirt, and orthopedic shoes. It was at this point that I started to believe I had officially entered the “Twilight Zone.”
We found a table towards the front of the room; ordered a drink, and sat back to take in what was to become the night of a one-man karaoke musical phenomenon that is Phil Shane. Phil performed song after song written not only by Elvis (all with the quiver of the lip and the thrust of the hips), but he also performed a great rendition of Barry Manilow’s “Copa Cabana” (of which we had to get up and dance) and various tunes by Engelbert Humperdink all with this strange twist that made you believe Elvis sang it first.
Not only was this the finest night I have ever witnessed in lounge singing history, but it was also Stephanie’s birthday and I was explicitly prohibited from sharing this information with Phil. She had briefly, but sternly, mentioned that if Phil knows it’s your birthday he will put you up on stage, in a chair, and sing to you “Strokin”, by Clarence Carter all while he wiggles his hips in your face and humps your leg. I immediately thought “Now this is something I have to see”, but apparently Stephanie was not OK with the idea of Phil gyrating anywhere near her, including, but not limited to, on a stage in front of an audience. So I was ultimately sworn to secrecy which really bummed me out, but by the end of the night everything was right with the world as I was able to see it all performed on some unsuspecting lady who was intoxicated enough to find each moment extremely flattering.
Honestly, I don’t exactly remember what song Phil ended the night with, and I really don’t think it matters, because for once in my life I was in the presence of a man who truly believed that for at least 4 hours a night, 3 days a week, from Southern California, to Las Vegas, Nevada, he was the best thing since Elvis Presley sang Engelbert Humperdink.

Posted by Jen

Monday, February 21, 2005

To Award, or Not to Award...That is the Question.

And The Award for Best Supporting Overrated Actor In an Overrated Movie Starring another Overrated Actor goes to….

It’s that time of year again. Time to inflate the already large and obnoxious egos of those that grace the silver screen through award show after award show. You see, as Americans we like to hand out awards to the rich and famous in order to further increase their cash flow allowing them to become even more rich and even more famous than they were before. And we insist on doing this through multiple venues such as the Oscars, Emmy’s, Grammy’s, Golden Globes, Sag Awards, Golden Satellite Awards, MTV Music Awards, People’s Choice Award’s, Teen Choice Awards, VHI Awards, etc.

Now I am not trying to pee on anyone’s parade here, I just want to make a point. For example, we all know that George Clooney is hot, and I have no problem paying ten dollars to go see him on a big screen in the movie theatre, especially when he is paired with Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. But to rant and rave and present another award after another award on what seems to be every Sunday throughout the months of January, February and March is just taking it a little too far. It’s kind of like hearing how good a particular ice cream is and then when you try that ice cream it is not as good as you’ve heard, and now you’re pissed because you spent $5 on a quarter of a pint of Haagen Dazs peppermint ice cream that just plain sucks (Actually, that analogy doesn’t really make any sense, but George kind of makes me hot and when I’m hot I think of ice cream and then I thought of the peppermint kind that was really disappointing, kind of like these award shows. Anyway…)

Not only do these award shows never seem to end, once they do we are bombarded by post-award coverage. Every newsstand is stocked with magazines claiming to have the answer to “Who’s Hot & Who’s Not” at the latest show. After umpteen years of these shows don’t you think we have all caught on to what is glamorous or not? It’s all the same, every year; White floor-length deep-v cut Chanel gown on curvaceous actress= Hot. Pink tutu with ballet slippers on seemingly malnourished actress = Not. It’s all about common sense and when and where not to wear a stuffed goose that wraps around your neck.

And what about those people out there that spend their lives doing good for other people and go through life completely unnoticed? Not that she was completely unnoticed, but I never saw Mother Theresa decked out in a Prada gown strolling down the red carpet adorned with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewels. Or my first grade teacher Mrs. Holland who was just as beautiful as any actress out there who taught me that when you take one apple away from two you still have one apple left. Or that fireman that was called to my house, ready to put his own life on the line after I almost burnt it down thanks to an unfortunate toaster oven accident.

I am not the only one who thinks this way. To add validation to my argument Chris Rock, host of the upcoming Oscars airing this Sunday the 27th on ABC, stated that he thinks award shows are “idiotic” as recently quoted in an “Entertainment Weekly” interview. “Come on, it’s a fashion show,” Rock told the magazine. “What straight black man sits there and watches the Oscars? Show me one. And they don’t recognize comedy, and you don’t see a lot of black people nominated, so why should I watch it?” Apparently, this statement ruffled quite a few feathers at the good old academy as droves of stuffy members called in to try and get Rock removed as host. Much to their dismay, Rock is still scheduled to be host, with a “several second time-delay” to avoid any complications with the FCC, thanks to Janet Jackson’s “Nipplegate,” it’s to be expected.

So the conclusion that you would probably make from this is that no, I will not be watching the Oscars. Not only because I don’t want to be confronted with the sheer horror that any movie starring Keanu Reaves could possibly win an award, but also because I want to stand firm in my beliefs that there are people out there in this world that deserve an award for the things they do everyday. Like the teachers that show our children how to read and write, and the doctors along with the firemen and paramedics that save our lives, and the scientists that create important drugs such as Viagra. These are the people that deserve an award, and these are the people we should admire and aspire to be. Because without these people where we be? Dumb, dead, and not able to get any action, that’s where we would be.
Posted by Jen

Friday, February 18, 2005

And There She Was, In All Her Splendor...

Being brought up as a Lutheran, I’ve never quite understood the significance of the Virgin Mary. Sure, I’ve watched as her followers stood in awe at her image that has magically appeared in grilled cheese sandwiches, bowls of soup, and even more recently, on a tree in the yard of the Swanson’s family home in Rush City. MN.
Being the skeptic that I am, when I saw the pictures aired over last night’s news I believed that the image was everything except what they were claiming. I was convinced that it could have been anything, (even more so that it was an image of an alien) until I fell down the stairs last night and something strange formed on my ass. It is a bruise, in the shape of what appears to be Mary herself. All joking aside, I’m not going to call the pope, or Kare 11 news for that matter and have Rick Kupchella reporting live in my living room as his camera man pans in on my rear-end to get a shot of a lifetime. No, I’d rather keep all of this to myself, and to my readers to let you all know that Mary is out there. Whether she appears in a bowl of alpha bits or on your tuna melt, in the tree in your backyard, or in the form of a bruise on your ass, you can feel confident that she is watching over each and every one of us.
As spoken by Clark Griswold in the movie “Vacation”…”Hallelujah… Holy Shit!”

Posted by Jen

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Pregnancy Schmengancy, Grow Up Shmo Up...

This is an excerpt from a conversation I had this morning over email with one of my best friends. I should preface this with the fact that she is going to “birthing class” with one of our other good friends tonight, and also that I have received more "pregnancy announcements" this year than Al Roker has chins.

C (Chrissy): How was class last night? (referring to power step aerobics at the gym where we both belong)

J (Me): GOOD! I'm going to go to step tonight at 5:30...just a half hour class. Looking forward to birthing class tonight??

C: That is good!! Oh, I wish that we could go to the class in Bville tonight!:() Gee yes I am so looking forward to birthing class! Missy Hansen just sent an email out, she and Kirk are prego, she is due on Sept 25...

J: Jeeze! What's with everyone having babies???

C: Guess, that is suppose to be our next step in life, Married for a year or two and then the babies come...whatever!!

J: Hmmm...well my next step in life is back off the wagon. I need a drink.

Posted by: P3 (Ahem, I mean, Jen)

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Things That Made Me Go Hmmmmm

It’s Sunday night and I’ve decided I need to update the blog since I’ve been nothing but a huge slacker. Unfortunately, my life has lately been anything but exciting and well, let’s just say “non-blog worthy.”
I had this great idea last week to compile a list entitled “Things that made me go hmmm” which didn’t make it far since it appears that very little surprises me these days. I had a couple of lame things which included a young skanky looking stripper type female who decided to carry on a 20 minute conversation over the house phone in the gym locker room, completely nude. She was holding a towel and she couldn’t even put it around her waist…gross. I don’t care how confident you are about your body, no one (speaking for most females and some males) wants to walk into the locker room and see your naked ass on the phone. Seeing this, made me think of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry has a girlfriend who likes to constantly be naked which eventually turned him against her when she was trying to open a jar of pickles completely nude. The moral of the episode was there are just some things you shouldn’t do naked, including the all-new talking on the phone in a public place.
Other than that there was the untimely phenomenon where both of my two hair dryers miraculously died on the same day, forcing me to buy another, which is a whole other story in itself.
And the last one being how a guy could get his balls caught in a golf course ball washer (reference previous journal entry “Darwin Awards”).

Friday night I watched “Garden State”, a movie about a heavily medicated, emotionally comatose man who returns home for his mothers’ funeral. He reunites with his friends whom he hasn’t seen in a long time, one of them being a grave robbing gravedigger, and the other a self-made millionaire thanks to his ingenious invention of “silent velcro.” He falls in love with a girl he meets while getting his head examined who just happens to be an Epileptic- pathologic liar. Throughout the movie he constantly dodges the opportunity to make amends with his father after being accused (and subsequently sent away to boarding school) of paralyzing his mother thanks to an unfortunate dishwasher accident. Anyway, the movie is good and quite amusing (my favorite part is when he wakes up after a night of partying with “Balls” written on his forehead in marker…HA!).

Saturday night Josh’s parents took us out for Sushi for Valentines Day and afterward we went to Sears with the whole fam damily to check out a vacuum cleaner (nothing says romance quite like the appliance department at Sears). We then decided after spending 45 minutes comparing vacuums, that it was a good idea to go to the liquor store and buy booze to make Cosmos so we could spend what we had left of the night with a cocktail in hand.

Today I took a field trip with Josh and Damian, which usually ends up with the three of us sitting at some random bar, watching random TV, and talking about weird shit. Case in point: our word of the day “congruence” and its definition yet to be completely determined. We were able to use it five times in a sentence and then move on to more important topics like the man who “pissed himself out of an avalanche.” Apparently, a man in Russia found himself in a bit of a bind when he was buried in an avalanche while in his vehicle with a bunch of beer. He tried to dig himself out and soon discovered that when he peed on the snow it melted and voila! Instant out. He drank all the beer, ruined his liver and other vital organs, but he is alive and now able to drink anyone under the table, hands down. I had yet to determine whether or not this story is true, but I have decided to amuse myself and keep from any further investigation as to it’s validity, therefore adding it to my list of “Things that made me go hmmm.” Some things are better left to the imagination.
Posted by Jen

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Fun with email...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 7:15
2. Diamonds or pearls? Both please.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? "Meet the Falkers",not as funny as the first. I think they just came out with a sequelso they could use the word "Falker" in the national media.
4. What are your favorite TV shows? "Days of Our Lives" and Desperate Housewives....I must like catty drama??
5. What did you have for breakfast? 2 Scrambled, Free-range organic eggs with hot sauce and a piece of wheat toast with honey.
6. What is your middle name? Kritsine
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Sushi :)
8. What foods do you dislike? Anything that was once roaming the earth on legs (not a meat eater).
9. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Mango, also my favorite fruit! (Haagen Daas makes an excuisite Mango sorbet)
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? the soundtrack to"Something's Gotta Give" it has a bunch of really awesome old french jazz tunes. Also Abba's greatest hits...it's a staple in my CD case.
11. What kind of car do you drive? Volkswagen Cabrio
12. Favorite sandwich? Veggie on wheat or whole grain with provolone cheese, tomatoes, sprouts and avacado...yum.
13. What characteristic do you despise? Anyone who thinks they are better than everyone else...
14. Favorite items of clothing? Anthing vintage or different, I am attempting to restock my wardrobe to add some color....I've been living with black way too long. Besides, isn't pink the new black?
15. Ireland or Australia? Australia.
16. What color is your bathroom? Grey-blue, White, and Black.
17. Oldest, Middle, Youngest or Only? Youngest of 4 with 16 years between (oops)
18. What is your favorite brand of clothing? Anything fromAnthropologie...my favorite store!
19. Where would you retire to? Someplace where the ocean is blue and warm, the air smells like ocean and peonies and my house is directly infront of it.
20. Favorite time of day? Hmmmm...not sure??
21. What was your most memorable birthday? The one where I turnedanother year older :)
22. Where were you born? Redwood Falls, MN
23. Favorite sport to watch? Football
24. What's your favorite drink? Kettle One dirty Martini up with olives!! Although I am cutting down on the sauce for awhile. (the only problem I have with alcohol is that I'm running low on vodka).
25. What celebrity would you want to meet if given the chance? Any of the following three: Erik Estrada, Chuck Wollery, and/or JerryLewis...we all share the same birthday!
26. What fabric detergent do you use? ALL...no really A.L.L
27. Coke or Pepsi? Diet Pepsi
28. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Morning person
29. What is your shoe size? 8
30. Do you have any pets? I have an ultra spaztic Jack RussellTerrier named Lola, and a reclusive tabby cat that hides out in my guest bedroom named Tigger(a.k.a Osama).
31. What qualities do you look for in a friend or significant other?Funny, intelligent, laid-back, kind.
32. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share withyour family & friends? Danika and I have a new web blog, check it out...it's www.danikaandjennifer.blogspot.com
33. What did you want to be when you were little?A stockbroker....I know, weird, huh?
34. What do you notice first on the opposite sex? Eyes
35. What are you doing today? Working and going to the gym....can'twait for spring!!!

Posted by Jen.

2004 Darwin Awards

My profound A.D.D does not allow me to get through the instructios for the site meter...I may have to contract it out to Josh.

I've attached the latest "Darwin Awards" for your reading pleasure. Actually, I've posted them because they make me look really, really smart and allow myself a little redemption from the treasure hunt debocle....enjoy!

Subject: DARWIN AWARDS 2004They are finally out again. In case you don't know it's an annual honorgiven to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winne rwas the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over ontop of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And thenominees this year, in reverse order, are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached inits place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause ofhis suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft andcrashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee off a 70 ft. railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accosting Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord thathe assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was"Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to strattle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his thresholdof pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him,the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were theweakest link. Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer,while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Act like you know what you're doing and maybe it will help."