Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Cows are Taking Over the World.

According to this article, European scientists have discovered through the use of Google Earth software that cows are magnetic. Apparantly, they are aligning themselves with Earth's north-south magnetic fields while they graze or rest.

Not only are they now a cud-chewing compass, but they also excrete enough methane gas to blow up Russia, and I have reason to believe that they are responsible for crop circles.

Holy shit. Cow's are going to take over the world.

Forget Al Queda, alien invasions, or guerilla warfare, "It's What's For Dinner" that we all have to worry about.

Being that I'm a vegan, I am hoping they will spare my life. I will try and save as many of you as I can, but I am not sure if I can fit all of you in The Rollerskate.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Move over and give me some happy, damnit.

I believe they say that happiness is a "state of mind." I don't know who "they" are or what makes them the authority on an emotion that is clearly hard to define.

It has recently come to my attention that I am at a point in my life where I have pulled my head out of my ass long enough to realize that I have been selling myself short. Although I am not sure where I will go from here, it is at least something to think about, and hopefully act upon in the relatively near future.

I have a few questions. Excuse the random thought pattern, I am just thinking "out loud."

How does one incorporate what they love into their career? "Live what you love." It's a statement that I have been struggling with these past few years.

I want to be more creative, and I want to do so in an environment that makes me some dough.

I'm not looking to "get rich", I am just looking to make a living at something that I love to do.

The funny thing is, I am not exactly sure what that is. I mean, I love to write, I love to cook, and bake, and decorate. I have been told I am a great salesperson, "people person" blah blah blah...corporate bullshit...etc. So, how do I take these talents and make them work for me in the capacity I want them to work. Does that make sense?

Then I look at the things I have been through. I have overcome this obstacle of R.A in my life that I feel is just staring me in the face screaming, "DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT STUPID! Take what you know, and share it with the world! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"

How can I incorporate what I have learned in a medium to help others, which will in turn give me a career that will fill this void I believe is missing in my life. Or, am I just crazy and selfish, and taking for granted the opportunities that I have now?

So many of us are stuck in the 8 to 5 jobs that we have mediocre feelings for at best. Just think about it...40 hours a week for the next 30-or so odd years is a lot of time, and a HUGE chunk out of my life. Why should I settle with anything less than what makes me feel like I am utilizing all of my potential?

Am I merely basking in the comfort of a salary and predictability as a means to float by, pay my bills in a timely manner, and ensure that I have proper health care?

Because if I am, that's bullshit. Plain and simple.

I just called myself out...Which stung a little...Damn, I can be tough.

Anyway, what I am searching for right now is a little guidance. Possibly some direction, a way to go...Some words of wisdom, or maybe just a swift kick in the ass.

Discuss amongst yourself, and feel free to clue me in on the mystery if you so desire.

*The above picture of my dog's asses was an accident that turned out to be one of my favorite pictures. Sometimes the unintended things in life can turn into a "happy accident." I just wish I could stumble upon a few more of them right now.

Friday, August 08, 2008

Fun With Corporate Training (Alternate Title: Reason Number Two of Why I'm an Asshole)

Earlier today I had to finish a "Fair Lending" internet training session. For those of you who aren't up to speed on what "Fair Lending" is, it's basically a bunch of rules and regulations that we have to follow in order to make sure we are treating everyone equally in terms of lending money and executing appropriate customer service.

As an employee of an extremely large bank, I must complete this assigned training whether or not it specifically pertains to my job.

These sessions are usually tedious and boring. However, this session proved to be extremely entertaining as demonstrated by the following screen shot.

This made the water I was drinking at the time exit both out my mouth and through my nose all over my company-issued laptop.

I don't know if it's how blunt and matter of fact the statement "I don't like to lend money to gay people." is, or how douchebagish the guy in the photo appears to be, or a combination of the two.

It didn't end with "the gays" either. There was an instance where a Hispanic chico was hung up on, and where an Asian woman was nearly reduced to tears because of some asshole in the customer service department. I felt like saying, "Listen here Vicky Choi (that was her name) I have fallen victim to a rogue customer service agent a time or two and it's not fun. Next time ask to speak to a manager and get your business handled the right way...That's how we roll in America. Now go on over to M.I.T, get your degree in biochemistry and find a cure for cancer or some shit."

As you can see, "Fair Lending Training" did nothing for me.

Friday, August 01, 2008

A Dirty Plea

It's no secret that I love Dirty Jobs...It is also no secret that I have a huge crush on Mike Rowe. Incidentally, this is no secret to Josh either...Which makes it completely acceptable.
At the end of the show, Mike Rowe asks the viewers to go to the Dirty Jobs website and submit ideas for more Dirty Jobs. Which is what I did. Mostly because I think my idea is awesome, but also because I want to stalk him. (Kidding...sorta.)
Anyway, I've decided to post the three entries I wrote on the site...These entries take place over the course of three days. My entry had a LOT of hits, but no comments, so feel free to stop on by to this link and reply to my job and rant and rave about what an awesome idea it is etc...I am Sunshine76.

Day One:
Ahhh…The Minnesota State Fair or “The Great Minnesota Get-Together”, or what I affectionately call “Loads of Poo and a Coronary on a Stick.” However you want to refer to this 320 acre affair, it runs for twelve days (this year from August 21-September 1st) and trust me when I tell you that it’s a variable cornucopia of dirty.
Everything from heaps of animal poo, to an onslaught of grease for deep-frying, to people from Wisconsin (Kidding…sort of.).If you are searching for dirty, you will find it here.
If you are wondering what you will find in the Grand Stand after a Black Crowes concert (besides the obvious one-hitters and empty flasks of gin), I am sure they will let you help them clean up. If you want to learn how to operate the Tilter-Whirl and risk the possibility of losing a limb, I can bet that the good (mostly one-handed) folks on the Midway will clue you in. If you would like your bust carved out of a block of butter…well, you have to become “Princess Kay of the Milky Way” to do that, but I am sure someone can be paid off.
Mini-doughnuts, cheese curds, fried pickles, deep-fried snickers bars, corn dogs, fried green tomatoes, just to name a few, are all made in either tiny little trailers or smack dab in the middle of a large, hot and greasy food building that will make you wish you were never born. Not to mention that they stopped serving 3/2 beer last year and graduated to the full-on brew which will undoubtedly render “housekeeping” many hours of fun cleaning out the johns.
I know I already mentioned poop…But did I mention the extent of poop? Barn after barn, after barn of every kind of animal you can think of. Horses, pigs, cows, chickens, llamas, sheep, goats…Have you ever seen pig testicles the size of a fourth grader? I have…and I saw it at The Fair.
This is the only place on God’s green earth (hopefully) where you can watch a heifer give birth and then walk across the street to purchase a Scotch Egg, which if you don’t know what one is, it’s a hard boiled egg wrapped in some sort of meat mixture, coated in breadcrumbs and deep fried...Just what you want to be eating with the smell of barnyard wafting in the background. Yummy…
If you need some help navigating this barrage of filth let me know, I would be more than happy to offer my 25 (O.K. FINE 32) years of experience attending this dirty, filthy, event that us Minnesotan’s have become so proud of.

Day Two:
Awwww…Throw me some props here!
Have you ever watched in horror as some random seven-year-old polishes off a bucket of chocolate chip cookies and then hops on “The Zipper?” The result is not pretty, and it’s darn dirty. What about the poor fools that have to prepare your “pork-chop-on-a-stick” in a 7X14 trailer when it’s 85 degrees outside with 98% humidity? Sweaty AND dirty…And there is NO WAY you can turn your head the other way to thousands of poo-caked, feather tarnished rooster/chicken/bird cages…You’ve never seen anything so filthy. Ever.
So, take a serious look at this one…And tell Barsky that there are cheese curds and beer in it for him. Who can pass that up?

Day Three:
This is my last attempt. Before I let this entry be discarded into the reject file with “Crime Scene Cleanup” and “Slaughterhouse Worker,” I have one more idea…If you’re not interested in actually going to The Fair, how about clean-up after?
Can you imagine the mess after 1.6 million people eat, drink, and frolic their way across 360 acres of prime St. Paul real estate? The mere thought of the environmental detriment is enough to make Al Gore cry himself to sleep.
The animal barns need to be cleaned, the rickety death traps they call “carnival rides” need to be packed up, the grease pits need to be emptied and the bathrooms need to be scrubbed.
If my plea has been in vain, that's O.K. You can still find me at The Fair. I’ll be the one sulking in the corner gnawing on a fresh ear of sweet corn and concealing my contraband in the form of a gin-filled plastic flask that I plan on smuggling into the Black Crowes concert.