.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Meet Barb.

Just to clarify before I begin, I am a horrible, horrible, person. You see, while walking to Pepitos on Saturday night I passed this photography store where amongst other pictures was the following. I couldn’t resist…I had to take a picture and write about this woman and what I believe is her life as I know it. So save your judgments, or cry’s of intentional social malice I am about to bestow on this poor woman, because it wasn’t me who decided to hang her picture in the window of an extremely visable photography studio, OH NO!


Meet Barb. Barb is a single woman in her mid 30’s who loves her cockatiel Petie more than anything. Ever.

Barb lives in a one bedroom apartment on the frontage road of 494 in Richfield MN, which is conveniently located near the Hallmark store just a few miles away in Bloomington where she is the assistant manager. She drives a Ford aspire that she bought new in 1994. It’s pink.

Her favorite shirt is her grey turtleneck mostly because it covers up the unsightly mole that has surfaced on the right side of her neck. She wears it with her black slacks, trouser socks and SAS shoes.

Barb spends the majority of her free time with Petie teaching him how to whistle the theme song to The Walton’s of which her aunt bought her the entire VHS set for Christmas. It was on her list. She collects “Precious Moments” figurines of which she proudly claims to have the largest collection in the tri state area. Every other month you will find Barb at the local Cost Cutters getting a perm and an upper lip wax, only because they throw it in for free.

Barb is a penny pincher and spends her Sundays clipping coupons from the paper. She’s saving up to buy a double bed to replace her current twin, which is too small for her ginormous teddy bear collection.

She’s never been married and has recently began dating Rodney who is the night manager at the Subway next door, only because he gives her extra stamps.

She hopes one day to be promoted to store manager where she will then create an entire section of cockatiel greeting cards. In the meantime she is happy to stock other cards with puppies and kitties on them, knowing that her moment to shine is right around the corner.

17 comments:

LoreliaGilmore said...

i love this side of you. love it!!

LoreliaGilmore said...

P.S is that a PERM?

BlackJack said...

That had better be a perm!

i.marzipan said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

x said...

HA HA HA HA I laugh because in someone's eyes I am Barb...

Anonymous said...

Jenni (if that's your real name) -

I'll have you know that my bird's name is Princess II. Princess I died last year... I don't know what happened? I was just holding him, petting him, and he wanted to fly away so I had to hold him tighter and I just kept petting him and petting him and petting and I don't understand what happened!

Otherwise, you got everything right! Come on down to the Hallmark store some time and I'll get you a 10% discount, but only if my manager isn't looking.

Love, Barb

madison's favorite son said...

you're mean.

slopmaster said...

That's ME!!!

You forgot to mention I own three cats who are like my kids, and I play Bingo with my mom every Monday-Saturday. Hey, I girl needs to have some fun.

Rob Lowe said...

Finally, someone else on the receiving side of your sardonic wit than me. I've never felt luckier to be hot.

LoreliaGilmore said...

rob has the biggest ego ever.

Sandra said...

Mid-30s? Crikey, I hope that's mid-50s or I'm very very scared.

Jen said...

OMG, you must find out who put that picture in the window!

"Barb" looks just like my mom did in the 80's, cockatiel and all....heh!

Let's all hope that this picture doesn't bring that era back...bloody hell!

You forgot to mention that "Barb" teaches bible study and volunteers at the Salvation Army.

Aliecat said...

Perfect blend of sarcasm and meaness...you are my new hero...

Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Holy cow. Holy, holy mother of a cow. That was an amazing insight into Barb's life. Too funny!

LoreliaGilmore said...

okay blog peeps have officially entered my life... i left one of the best Mexican restaurants in the valley with my husband tonight after MANY (too many) Cadillac margaritas. There is a portrait studio next door. there was a group of like 4 women standing around the window mocking the lady in the window. There was like a glamour shot before and after PORTRAIT of some poor woman in the window on VENTURA BLVD. the busiest street in the valley. i immediately thought of this post. Not sure where this is going. But I wanted to let you know I got a laugh and thought of you.

Jenni said...

Lorelia: HA! Sometimes I can be contagious...too funny!

BlackJack said...

Sometimes I can be contagious

There's probably a pill for that...