Random Drunk Stories 2&3.

I had to group two drunk stories together since they made more sense together than separate so here goes. (By the way, I in no way condone drinking and driving. These stories happened over 4 years ago and I have since matured enough to call a cab, and the only vehicle I now operate while intoxicated is a riding lawnmower…oh, and a golf cart, but that’s a whole other story.)

Random Drunk Story #2;” Major CLM (Career Limiting Move).”

My second job out of college was for a company called Allegiance Telecom Inc. I was hoping to break into sales, and this would be the perfect opportunity. I secured a position as an “Account Executive” and ended up being part of the first sales team in Minneapolis, which proved to give me more experience in sales than I had ever hoped. The just of the job was to go door to door to local business and cold call them in order to sell local, long distance and internet services. The first month was a cake-walk as it was all training the new sales team and pretty much opening the office for business. We all got to know each other and became good friends as we would spend our days cold calling in teams and running contests etc. After the first month it all went down hill from there as there was extreme pressure and a sick sort of “Boiler Room” mentality. My boss, Michael, was literally standing on his desk and yelling to get on the phones and set appointments while his boss, Brandon, (the City V.P.) would walk around playing “good cop.” It was horrible, but we made the best of it.
One Thursday evening we all decided to go out for happy hour to bitch about our job. We all proceeded to get shit-faced (because that’s what disgruntled employees do) and after a few too many, Myrna and I decided to call it a night. We had driven together and I had to drive her to her car while intoxicated (please, do not try this at home). While in my Jeep, Myrna thought it would be a good idea to call Brandon, my boss’s boss, and complain even more about our job. So she called his voicemail at work and left him a message that went something like this; “Heeeeyyyyy, Brandon, this ssiss Myrna and Je…(breaks into laughter), this sisss, Myrna and Je…(.breaks into laughter, hangs up). After watching this train wreck that happened in front of me, I command her to call him back and leave a more appropriate message regarding our current dislike for our job, or in my words “Call that jackass back and let him know how pissed off we are.” So she does and it goes something like this; “Brannnn, sisss Myrna and Je…(more laughter). It was at this point I grabbed the phone away from her and said “Brandon, this is Jen and Myrna and you drive us to drink. You, and your little Michael (which by the way, Michael is all but 5ft 3in tall) made us get hammered tonight and call your voicemail to bitch about our job. Urall the telecom Nazi’s. We’re drunk and we’re driving down the HIGHWAY…that’s a huge liabiliteeeeeeee. Just wanted you to know. Thanks Bye. Oh, yeah, see you tomorrow, or today, whatever.” Click.
The next morning Myrna and I entered the office quite hung-over, (or most probably still drunk) and as I walked over to my desk the red voicemail light flashed like I’ve never seen it flash before. On that voicemail, and everyone else’s voicemail in the entire office, were the two messages Myrna and I sent to Brandon about 4 hours earlier. He forwarded them with his opening statement of “Nice.” We were never able to quite live that down, I used to cringe whenever I heard someone play it, and it was saved on the phones up until my last day two years later.

Random Drunk Story #3 “The Hat Made Me Do It.”
While employed at Allegiance Telecom I had this pink foam cowboy hat that somehow made it into my cube and adorned my desk for the two years that I was there. On my last day, my friends that I worked with took me out for drinks. So I packed up my things, which included awards, “Legally Blonde” poster (compliments of Brandon, he said she reminded him of me…nice) personal documents, quota achievements, foam cowboy hat, and random stuff that had accumulated and all managed to fit into a large cardboard box. I threw it all into my Jeep as I was more than ready to leave and start my new job.
We went to a local bar and proceeded to get quite intoxicated (do you see a pattern here with these people?). Before I started my car to go home, I thought it would be a good idea to put my foam cowboy hat, not even imagining that I must look like a huge red light for any police officer to pull me over. I could have lit my ass on fire and hung it out the window of my speeding automobile and I would still have been considerably more discreet.
I ended up making it home, (via the very slow 35 mph back route and thanks to the 3 cups of coffee I drank before I left) however it wasn’t until I got home that the drama began. From what I am told, Josh and Damian were in the backyard when they heard a big crash in the front yard. They ran up the hill only to find me wearing my foam cowboy hat and kicking all of my worldly Allegiance possessions all over the yard while throwing the finheimer around like batting practice at the World Series. Apparently, the bottom of the box broke and mixed with the tequila, caffeine, and pure angst I decided to wrestle with my things smack dab in the front yard. Looking back it must have been quite funny, and I am so lucky I was never pulled over by the police, could you imagine my mug shot?