It's Just Who I am, Bitches.

In case there is anyone left out there who noticed, I shut the blog down for awhile in an attempt to conceal past entries from the outside world. Why? My answer, simply is I want to take a stab at being a "serious" writer and I feared that what is contained in the archives of Swank or Skank would somehow take away that dream.

Looking back, I've realized thinking that way is just plain silly. Like it or not, every post I have written on this blog is directly related to who I am...Or was at the time.

My good friend "I.Marzipan" and I started this blog with the intention of rating people, places, things, and ideas, on a sliding scale and percentage of "swank" or "skank." Example: Lindsay Lohan is 100% skank" and The Republican National Convention was 25% swank, 75% skank (If Lindsay would lay off the coke, cut the attitude and decide what her sexual preference is she may just lower her skank to 99.7%, and if there were less instances of participants of the RNC being ripped off by hookers their skank quotient would go down considerably.)

With all that being said, I've decided that shutting this down isn't fair to me, or my past posts, like Fancy Fruity Blue Martini's or Breakfast and Porn with the Parents, some vintage Random Salad and one of my personal favorites, My Life Is a Mess...".

So, I plan on posting more, maybe even throwing in some of my favorite vintage posts in the mix partially in an effort to reclaim my identity, but mainly to relive my glory days when people actually read this mess.

Ah, memories.

P.S. A shout out to Dr Ken is in order for making this all possible...You can pat him on the back, or send him hate mail. Whatever blows your skirt up.

A New (Now open to the general public) Venture

I've been busy.

Wait, let me clarify. I've been busy doing something productive. (Waiting for the shock and awe to subside)


Being that I am for all intensive purposes "unemployed," and in the midst of writing a book, I've decided to take my mad sewing/reupholstering skills and put them to work for me.



It all started a few years ago when I needed to get a baby shower gift for a friend, and was sick of the same old, same old. While paging through a magazine I came across an article about Etsy that featured a woman who sold handmade baby blankets. I found an adorable one, and ended up forking over the $75 bills. (The blue fabric is actually the same as the blanket below, but my boarder is MUCH more adorable!)



When I got it in the mail I was thrilled, it was SO cute, and while looking it over I thought how I could most probably make the same thing. So for the next baby shower I did just that. I also made one for the next one, and the next one....

I received so many compliments, everyone just LOVED them. I started getting requests to make them. Friends, friends of friends, random strangers. It became something that I enjoyed doing, and I could make a little money at. It was a win win!

After making blankets, I decided to venture out and make bags and clutches, while also incorporating my hobby of finding, reinventing and reupholstering used furniture.



It's a love of mine I finally have a little more time for and am excited to share with others.

So, I'm sharing them with you, all 3 readers I have left! Stop by, I'll be adding many new things shortly to my Etsy store and website, and of course, blog.

Just to make you think...

This is a tough one.

For the last week or so I've been following the story of Daniel Hauser, a 13 year old Minnesota boy who has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and is refusing chemotherapy.

His family is Roman Catholic and practice the "do no harm" philosophy of the Nemenhah Band a Native American and religious group based out of Missouri, that believes in natural healing methods.

After one round of chemo earlier in the year, Daniel and his family decided that they would instead treat his illness holistically, through a whole foods diet, herbal supplements, vitamins and ionized water. After his previous doctor caught wind of this he alerted the authorities and were eventually the Hauser's were served with allegedly medically neglecting their son.

Last week Daniel and his family were ordered to obtain an oncologist and have an x-ray done to determine the severity of his condition. The x-ray showed that his condition is not getting better and if he doesn't receive some sort of medical treatment in the near future, it will be too late. And to add a twist to this story, when it was time to go back to court there was no Daniel and no mom.

With Daniel and his mom on the lamb, there is now a nation wide search to recover them and bring Daniel back home and directly into the hands of foster care.

As someone who has overcome an illness through natural means, despite the lack of support, faith, and adverse reaction from her rheumatologist, it's hard for me to figure out who's right and who's wrong.

Obviously, he's 13 years old which makes a huge difference. He's just a kid who's depending on his parents to make the best decision for him, but who's to say what the best decision is? A judge? The parents? At what point does the judicial system go from looking out for the best interest of the child to overstepping their bounds?

Happy 5th Birthday Lola!

I realize that I don't update as often as I should, but every year (except for last year) I always make it a point to say "Happy Birthday" to my sweet dog, Lola.

Lola's had a busy year. She loves hanging out with her little bro, Burton, going for walks, stalking squirrels, and cuddling under the blanket when it's cold outside.

She's made my life better and I don't know what I would do without her, so "Thank You" Lola, and "Happy Birthday!"

Same Old.

Sometimes you just don't even know where to begin.

These last few months of unemployment have been a whirlwind of emotions bordering on pre-midlife crisis.

"What do I want to do with the rest of my life?" being pretty much the theme, and right when I think I've come close to figuring it all out something happens to point me in a completely different direction. Why does life have to be so complicated?

Right now I'm reading a book titled, "PUTTING YOUR PASSION INTO PRINT." I think it may have been the boldface caps that caught my attention, as if the book was screaming at me yelling something like, "HEY...HEY...JENNI! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR ?" I've had numerous people tell me I should write a book about my journey with RA and how I have taken my life back. Usually, my response is, "Yeah, I get that a lot."

Being that I am so passionate about diet and exercise and can sit and talk about it for hours on end makes me think that maybe these people are right?

So, in the meantime, while I figure it all out, I will try to keep up with the writing, periodic updates and checks on my sanity (what's left of it anyway).

Oh, and if anyone is still out there, missing some smartassery from me, you can follow me on twitter http://twitter.com/sunshine76. With that being said, as a courtesy, I will make no claims that my life is particularly interesting, and will not be responsible for blatant offense, hurt feelings, or overall poor grammar.

Some things never change.

Fancy Blue Fruity Martinis

Man, time sure does fly.

I can't even begin to recall where the last few weeks have gone. I've spent the majority of my unemployment so far familiarizing myself with new and completely exhausting classes at the gym, and I have gone to a few lunches, one of which started at noon and carried on until 1:00 am.

This particular lunch was with a friend of mine who incidentally, is also unemployed. We had decided earlier in the week to get together to purposefully and maliciously mock those that are gainfully employed, even possibly throw things at them (more specifically pads of butter because of their ability to stick and smear) all in an attempt to make us feel better about ourselves. Our intentions were good, it's not like we set out to drink $50 worth of booze in four hours. Actually, it was more like $50 A PIECE. Fancy blue fruity martinis are expensive.

Our waiter, Willie, who although was very kind, was grossly inexperienced. Apparently the regular bartender didn't arrive until after 5 o'clock because the demand for swanky umbrella drinks at noon on a weekday is slim to none. They obviously didn't expect our arrival.

We vented, we complained about how insensitive corporate America is and how smug and entitled the CEO's of these large corporations have become. More importantly we drank the restaurant out of fancy fruity blue martinis. At this point any normal couple of unemployed chicks would have taken this as a sign to call it a day...Not us. I believe the phrase was "What else ya got?"

It was now about 3:30 and we were actually locked in the restaurant. That's right. Locked in. They weren't letting anyone else in because they were in between shifts. So it was us, Willie, and the four foot tall Indonesian dude who I assume was the chef who would walk by and smile at us every so often.

So, Willie walked us through the menu of drinks that he "knew how to make." The list was short and we were stuck with a Mojito. He proudly delivered my Mojito and when I took a sip I thought "Gee, this tastes rather coconutty." However, I really didn't care. It was booze, it was cold, and it would do. About ten minutes later Willie came over and asked how it tasted. I overentheusiasticly said "Great!" He looked at me strange and asked, does it kinda taste like coconut, because I accidentally used Malibu instead of regular rum.

Here's another instance where ordinary folk would ask that the drink be comped and another one to be made. Not us, we decide that it's absolutely fabulous and that we think it should be added to their drink menu as the "Williejito." And then we order two more. Yep.

After going back to my house and playing a few games of Wii, joined by Josh and a few more of our friends, we decide to head to the local dive bar for Friday night Karaoke. Thankfully for all that is sacred and holy, we were pretty much the only patrons in the bar besides, "Big Daddy" himself, the host and owner of "Big Daddy's Karaoke."

To set the stage for this establishment, I ask you to picture a seedy bar, the seediest of seedy. Two pool tables, a few high tops, a small bar all contained in around 1000 square feet and smack dab in what could be considered a boarder line ghetto. The sign out front boasts weekly specials such as Tuesday night "Ladies Night", Wednesday Night "Poker Night", and what I have affectionately named Thursday night "Homicide Night" after driving by one evening to find the entire joint roped off and surrounded by five squad cars, a black suburban belonging to the CSI crew, and a rather large blood stain outside the front door.

Clearly, that night we weren't at all concerned for our lives as I can't even count how many songs we sang. I will however admit that I performed a super rendition of "Funky Cold Medina", mainly because the majority of the song is spoken and I don't think at that point in the evening I could carry a tune to save my life.

Towards the end of the evening Big Daddy himself invited us on a road trip to...Wait for it...IOWA. Yes, we were given the opportunity to travel to the great state of Iowa with Big Daddy and become his entourage. We would tour the countryside in a rented RV, stopping at various bars and establishments where karaoke was needed, and more importantly loved.

After the conversation of how I would claim the "Funky Cold Medina" as my theme song, allowing no one else to sing it during the Tour de Iowa, Josh decided that it was time to go.

I can't say that the next day was pleasant. It felt as though there were little gnomes in my head with little gnome power tools doing what one would expect little gnomes to do with power tools. It was horrible. My voice was gone, the thought of anything blue, or alcoholic gave me great pause and I spent most of the day being rather miserable.

Looking back on this, I've learned three very important things. 1). Not only am I no longer 22 years old or in college where recreational drinking is encouraged, my tolerance on a scale of 1-10 is a negative 4. 2).If you're not a bartender, you have no business being behind a bar, even if two women name a drink after you. and 3). When your microphone mysteriously shuts off mid song it's time to go home.

Opening Doors

Yesterday I was unceremoniously laid off. Yet another casualty of the banking/auto industry.

Ironic, since this was the first, and most probably last time George W and I have had or will ever have anything in common.
Working as an indirect lender "Rep" for the auto industry during this shit-storm of an economy has proven to be a recipe for disaster.

But honestly, I am not upset. A little shocked, but definitely not surprised, if that makes any sense. Most importantly, it was time. I needed a push and I got one, complete with three months pay and benefits.

A friend of mine said something that gave me pause, "Your job does not define who you are-It's just a means to provide." I thought about this and realized that he is right, my job that I had did not define me, but maybe the job I am seeking needs to. I would love to find something that I am passionate about. An opportunity where I can use my writing and creative abilities to do something that I love that will in turn allow me to provide for myself.

Thankfully I have time. Time to do some soul searching and time to figure some things out. Another friend of mine who was recently laid of wrote me "Embrace your unemployment!" Which is what I fully intend on doing...I just wish I could embrace it in July instead of February. Typical.

So, here's to a new beginning! Here's to discovering more about who I am, learning how I can bring myself into my career and create a path that will be both rewarding and exciting. Here's to my future-Today is a new day and tomorrow will be even better.

What Matters Now

The gym I belong to sends out a magazine every month with articles pertinent to health and fitness. In each issue there is a letter from the founder and CEO. I wanted to share a portion of this month’s letter as I found it to be fitting for what is going on all around us.

In the letter, he acknowledges that given the current economic climate, it’s quite possible we “won’t soon experience the same sort of financial abundance many of us enjoyed in recent years”, however it’s all the more reason to think about how we can create a more “meaningful, stable and satisfying sort of abundance-by consciously cultivating and appreciating the resources that are within our control.”

He then outlines “five areas of potentially unlimited plenty” You can all obviously take what you want from this, but I hope it can help put some things into perspective, as it was a good reminder for me as well.

1. Health- Energy, vitality, focus and endurance are the rewards of good health, and they are essential to accomplishing our other goals. They’re also crucial for withstanding stress and anxiety. Staying healthy and fit helps you ward off expensive medical bills and leaves you well equipped to handle whatever life throws you way. So, if there was ever a time to make staying well a top priority, it’s now. Eat well and simply and get plenty of exercise, fresh air and sleep. Your body will pay you back with interest.

2. Simplicity- Research into the realms of happiness shows us that beyond the ability to meet our basic needs, material wealth does not increase our satisfaction in living. In fact, a surplus of accumulated stuff and clutter actually contributes to stress. This is a great time for clearing clutter, donating unneeded goods to charity, and re-engaging with simple pleasures like clear surfaces, room to move and time in nature. This is also a great time to rediscover the pleasures of unadulterated, unprocessed foods (note: in terms of nutritive value, most organic produce is far less expensive than either soft drinks or fast food-fare.)

3. Time- This is arguable the most precious resource over which we have direct control. The way we spend our time is central to our quality of life, and while having plenty of money can make managing our time easier (because we can purchase “time-saving” goods and services), an overemphasis on material wealth can distance us from the satisfying moments, connections and priorities that really matter. Even when we are busy, worried and overworked, it’s possible to avoid the grip of “time poverty” by staying focused on the present moment, doing daily check-ins with our core values and vision, and deeply appreciating the relationships and blessings that are ours for the keeping.

4. Love- If there’s any great gift in times of challenge and doubt, it’s that we get a very clear sense of who our true friends and loves one are. To feel the heartfelt, steadfast support of those who care about us-and to give our care and affection in return-is one of life’s most extraordinary (and least expensive) pleasures. Whether you hug your spouse, play catch with your kid or take a long walk with a friend, seize the opportunity to connect and care deeply. Give thanks for the good fortune you have to love and be loved, and for the opportunity to grow this hugely renewable resource day by day.

5. Giving- Acts and attitudes of generosity contribute to a climate of hope. Giving to others makes you feel better-about yourself, and about life in general. Whether you can give money, time, energy, advice, encouragement, or even just a kind word and smile-give. Even if you can only give a little, giving makes the world a better place: It helps us all become better people, and that makes the future even brighter.

Women Fight Back...

Being that I often get these "Why Dogs Are Better Than Women" type emails, I have decided to come up with my own response... And "Yes" many of these come from personal experience...You can thank Josh for being a "typical male."

Ladies, enjoy...This one's for you....


Why Some Women Have Dogs and Not Husbands...

10.Your dog's friends don't come over, drink all your beer and clog up your toilet.

9.Your dog doesn't constantly loose his car keys and then expect you to know exactly where he lost them.

8.Your dog doesn't sneak up from behind and pretend like he's humping you while you're trying to make dinner.

7.Your dog doesn't smack your ass in the middle of the living room while yelling, "YEOW MOMMA GIVE DADDY SOME SUGAR!"

6.Your dog doesn't fart, and then blame it on another dog.

5.Your dog won't mope around the house when you tell him that you "have a headache."

4.Your dog doesn't snore with a decibel level that could wake up an entire city block.

3.You can neuter your dog to curb "bad behavior."

2.Your dog doesn't claim to know everything about all things mechanical.

And last, but certainly not least…

1.Your dog would never not leave the house simply because he has the ability to lick his own balls.

VOTE!

Just wanted to send out a friendly reminder for all of you to get out and vote...That way we can send the above idiot back to his village.

Happy Election Day!

Screw it...

Still gainfully employed.

Just got back from Fort Meyers Beach, Florida where the following image was a welcome break from the daily grind.

Screw the economy that's in shambles...I went on vacation and spent my money...Just doing my part to help out our economy...Such a dedicated American, I am.

The Writing's on the Wall

Check out this email we received today from our marketing department regarding an order of pens that we were supposed to receive to pass out to clients. I have my own theory behind this...

"Hello, Marketing is holding off on the pen order until the final alignment of the sales region structure. I will keep in touch with marketing for updates."

"Thanks"

TRANSLATION:

Prepare yourself. The majority of you are about to be unceremoniously laid off. Spending billions of dollars to bailout other corporations who have found themselves up "Shit Creek" aside, we feel that giving you a $25 box of 250 count pens to be excessive. We will not provide parting gifts, nor will we allow you to never have to buy a pen again for the next 10 or so odd years. If you should need something to hand out to dealers, we have some golf tees at the back of the supply closet that we can send you, providing that you pay shipping and handling and include them on your expense report.

Get your resume ready, it's "go" time.

A Beautiful Night in Minneapolis

Despite the fact that I am surrounded by Republicans, I have to say that this week has turned out to be beautiful.

I was inside doing some cleaning when I looked out the window and saw the most amazing sunset.

So, I hopped on my bike and ventured down to the lake to snap a few pictures.

I am so fortunate to live in a city where I can travel but a mere three blocks from my home and look at something this amazing.

It's good to be me right now...I hope everyone's night is as beautiful as mine.

Good night all...

The Cows are Taking Over the World.

According to this article, European scientists have discovered through the use of Google Earth software that cows are magnetic. Apparantly, they are aligning themselves with Earth's north-south magnetic fields while they graze or rest.

Not only are they now a cud-chewing compass, but they also excrete enough methane gas to blow up Russia, and I have reason to believe that they are responsible for crop circles.

Holy shit. Cow's are going to take over the world.

Forget Al Queda, alien invasions, or guerilla warfare, "It's What's For Dinner" that we all have to worry about.

Being that I'm a vegan, I am hoping they will spare my life. I will try and save as many of you as I can, but I am not sure if I can fit all of you in The Rollerskate.

Move over and give me some happy, damnit.

I believe they say that happiness is a "state of mind." I don't know who "they" are or what makes them the authority on an emotion that is clearly hard to define.

It has recently come to my attention that I am at a point in my life where I have pulled my head out of my ass long enough to realize that I have been selling myself short. Although I am not sure where I will go from here, it is at least something to think about, and hopefully act upon in the relatively near future.

I have a few questions. Excuse the random thought pattern, I am just thinking "out loud."

How does one incorporate what they love into their career? "Live what you love." It's a statement that I have been struggling with these past few years.

I want to be more creative, and I want to do so in an environment that makes me some dough.

I'm not looking to "get rich", I am just looking to make a living at something that I love to do.

The funny thing is, I am not exactly sure what that is. I mean, I love to write, I love to cook, and bake, and decorate. I have been told I am a great salesperson, "people person" blah blah blah...corporate bullshit...etc. So, how do I take these talents and make them work for me in the capacity I want them to work. Does that make sense?

Then I look at the things I have been through. I have overcome this obstacle of R.A in my life that I feel is just staring me in the face screaming, "DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT STUPID! Take what you know, and share it with the world! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?"

How can I incorporate what I have learned in a medium to help others, which will in turn give me a career that will fill this void I believe is missing in my life. Or, am I just crazy and selfish, and taking for granted the opportunities that I have now?

So many of us are stuck in the 8 to 5 jobs that we have mediocre feelings for at best. Just think about it...40 hours a week for the next 30-or so odd years is a lot of time, and a HUGE chunk out of my life. Why should I settle with anything less than what makes me feel like I am utilizing all of my potential?

Am I merely basking in the comfort of a salary and predictability as a means to float by, pay my bills in a timely manner, and ensure that I have proper health care?

Because if I am, that's bullshit. Plain and simple.

I just called myself out...Which stung a little...Damn, I can be tough.

Anyway, what I am searching for right now is a little guidance. Possibly some direction, a way to go...Some words of wisdom, or maybe just a swift kick in the ass.

Discuss amongst yourself, and feel free to clue me in on the mystery if you so desire.

*The above picture of my dog's asses was an accident that turned out to be one of my favorite pictures. Sometimes the unintended things in life can turn into a "happy accident." I just wish I could stumble upon a few more of them right now.

Fun With Corporate Training (Alternate Title: Reason Number Two of Why I'm an Asshole)

Earlier today I had to finish a "Fair Lending" internet training session. For those of you who aren't up to speed on what "Fair Lending" is, it's basically a bunch of rules and regulations that we have to follow in order to make sure we are treating everyone equally in terms of lending money and executing appropriate customer service.

As an employee of an extremely large bank, I must complete this assigned training whether or not it specifically pertains to my job.

These sessions are usually tedious and boring. However, this session proved to be extremely entertaining as demonstrated by the following screen shot.



This made the water I was drinking at the time exit both out my mouth and through my nose all over my company-issued laptop.

I don't know if it's how blunt and matter of fact the statement "I don't like to lend money to gay people." is, or how douchebagish the guy in the photo appears to be, or a combination of the two.

It didn't end with "the gays" either. There was an instance where a Hispanic chico was hung up on, and where an Asian woman was nearly reduced to tears because of some asshole in the customer service department. I felt like saying, "Listen here Vicky Choi (that was her name) I have fallen victim to a rogue customer service agent a time or two and it's not fun. Next time ask to speak to a manager and get your business handled the right way...That's how we roll in America. Now go on over to M.I.T, get your degree in biochemistry and find a cure for cancer or some shit."

As you can see, "Fair Lending Training" did nothing for me.

A Dirty Plea

It's no secret that I love Dirty Jobs...It is also no secret that I have a huge crush on Mike Rowe. Incidentally, this is no secret to Josh either...Which makes it completely acceptable.
At the end of the show, Mike Rowe asks the viewers to go to the Dirty Jobs website and submit ideas for more Dirty Jobs. Which is what I did. Mostly because I think my idea is awesome, but also because I want to stalk him. (Kidding...sorta.)
Anyway, I've decided to post the three entries I wrote on the site...These entries take place over the course of three days. My entry had a LOT of hits, but no comments, so feel free to stop on by to this link and reply to my job and rant and rave about what an awesome idea it is etc...I am Sunshine76.

Day One:
Ahhh…The Minnesota State Fair or “The Great Minnesota Get-Together”, or what I affectionately call “Loads of Poo and a Coronary on a Stick.” However you want to refer to this 320 acre affair, it runs for twelve days (this year from August 21-September 1st) and trust me when I tell you that it’s a variable cornucopia of dirty.
Everything from heaps of animal poo, to an onslaught of grease for deep-frying, to people from Wisconsin (Kidding…sort of.).If you are searching for dirty, you will find it here.
If you are wondering what you will find in the Grand Stand after a Black Crowes concert (besides the obvious one-hitters and empty flasks of gin), I am sure they will let you help them clean up. If you want to learn how to operate the Tilter-Whirl and risk the possibility of losing a limb, I can bet that the good (mostly one-handed) folks on the Midway will clue you in. If you would like your bust carved out of a block of butter…well, you have to become “Princess Kay of the Milky Way” to do that, but I am sure someone can be paid off.
Mini-doughnuts, cheese curds, fried pickles, deep-fried snickers bars, corn dogs, fried green tomatoes, just to name a few, are all made in either tiny little trailers or smack dab in the middle of a large, hot and greasy food building that will make you wish you were never born. Not to mention that they stopped serving 3/2 beer last year and graduated to the full-on brew which will undoubtedly render “housekeeping” many hours of fun cleaning out the johns.
I know I already mentioned poop…But did I mention the extent of poop? Barn after barn, after barn of every kind of animal you can think of. Horses, pigs, cows, chickens, llamas, sheep, goats…Have you ever seen pig testicles the size of a fourth grader? I have…and I saw it at The Fair.
This is the only place on God’s green earth (hopefully) where you can watch a heifer give birth and then walk across the street to purchase a Scotch Egg, which if you don’t know what one is, it’s a hard boiled egg wrapped in some sort of meat mixture, coated in breadcrumbs and deep fried...Just what you want to be eating with the smell of barnyard wafting in the background. Yummy…
If you need some help navigating this barrage of filth let me know, I would be more than happy to offer my 25 (O.K. FINE 32) years of experience attending this dirty, filthy, event that us Minnesotan’s have become so proud of.

Day Two:
Awwww…Throw me some props here!
Have you ever watched in horror as some random seven-year-old polishes off a bucket of chocolate chip cookies and then hops on “The Zipper?” The result is not pretty, and it’s darn dirty. What about the poor fools that have to prepare your “pork-chop-on-a-stick” in a 7X14 trailer when it’s 85 degrees outside with 98% humidity? Sweaty AND dirty…And there is NO WAY you can turn your head the other way to thousands of poo-caked, feather tarnished rooster/chicken/bird cages…You’ve never seen anything so filthy. Ever.
So, take a serious look at this one…And tell Barsky that there are cheese curds and beer in it for him. Who can pass that up?

Day Three:
This is my last attempt. Before I let this entry be discarded into the reject file with “Crime Scene Cleanup” and “Slaughterhouse Worker,” I have one more idea…If you’re not interested in actually going to The Fair, how about clean-up after?
Can you imagine the mess after 1.6 million people eat, drink, and frolic their way across 360 acres of prime St. Paul real estate? The mere thought of the environmental detriment is enough to make Al Gore cry himself to sleep.
The animal barns need to be cleaned, the rickety death traps they call “carnival rides” need to be packed up, the grease pits need to be emptied and the bathrooms need to be scrubbed.
If my plea has been in vain, that's O.K. You can still find me at The Fair. I’ll be the one sulking in the corner gnawing on a fresh ear of sweet corn and concealing my contraband in the form of a gin-filled plastic flask that I plan on smuggling into the Black Crowes concert.
Peace.
Sunshine76.

Reasons Why I'm an Asshole; Feeding the Homeless

Feeding the homeless. It's an idea that in all other circumstances would be a completely non-asshole thing to do.

Volunteering at a soup kitchen, donating canned goods to a food shelf, giving money to organizations that help people in need are all really good ways to be a contributing member to society...right?

The other day while Josh and I were en route to wherever we were going we came to a stop at the top of an exit ramp where there happen to be a homeless person, holding a sign that read something like "Homeless, please help."

Now to set the stage for what Josh is about to say next I have to explain why he is driving around with a carton of 50+ beef sticks in the back of his car. Over the fourth of July holiday we were given the package of beef by my friends Dad who apparantly had an overabundant supply. I'm vegan, therefore I won't eat them, and they are WAY too chalk full of preservatives and cancer causing agents for Josh to want to as he refers to it, "Put them in the temple" or what most normal people would say, "eat them."

So as we were sitting there next to the homeless person, separated only by the tempered glass and steel of our German engineered air-conditioned vehicle, Josh looks at me and says, "Should I give him a beef stick?"

"OF COURSE, you should give him a beef stick!" I said.

But then the light turned green and we were unable to pawn off our chewable cancer wrapped in pork intestines to the unassuming homeless man.

The we starting talking, and this is where I become an asshole.

I asked Josh, "What if next time we're not close enough to the homeless person to be able to hand him or her a beef stick? We can't THROW it at them...that would be rude...Maybe we could create a shooting devise like those guns at sporting events where they shoot out t-shirts into the crowd. We could have a gun that shoots beefsticks at the homeless...and we could provide them with signs with targets on them for proper aim to ensure that no one loses and eye...And then as we are shooting we could scream "STEP INTO A SLIM JIM" so they know we are about to fire..."

And there you have it, launching food at the homeless...Just one, of many reasons why I'm an asshole.

Arrrrrr....

For those of you who don't keep current of the happenings of important events that are either currently taking place, or are to take place in the relatively near future, here is a freebie.

September 19th is International Talk Like a Pirate Day and that day is quickly approaching.

I am already making plans to fashion an eyepatch and spend the enitre day using authentic pirate phrases like "Shiver me timbers!", "Baton down the hatches!",and "Thar she blows!"

Instead of saying "my" I will say "me" and I will call my office the "poop deck"...and I will not laugh just because I said the word "poop."

I will refer to my friends as "Matey's" and then I will quickly turn against them in an all too familiar pirate like manner and make them walk the plank while calling them a bunch of scallywags and waiving my sword in their faces.

I also think it would be quite fitting if I were to carry around a bag of "Veggie Booty." I could offer it as a tasty snack, or I could throw it at people as they walked by me...Burton loves Veggie Booty....

Lola, on the other hand is quite indifferent to it.

Not so much of a fan of the booty...

At the end of the day I will go to the bar and scream in my best pirate voice "More ale Wench!"...and eventually be surprised and mildly insulted when they make me leave with my sword, patch, and bag of booty.

Jerks.

I can't wait for September 19th.

Goodbye Sidney, Heaven Has a Wonderful New Angel.

For the last few months I have been helping out here and there with a fundraising effort for my very good friend Chrissy's niece, Sindey.

Sindey was born on July 17 2007 and shortly thereafter was diagnosed with Microvillus Inclusion Disease, an extremely rare disease which basically prevents nutrients from being properly absorbed by the body.

Earlier this year she was sent to Miami to undergo multi-visceral transplant surgery, and recieved transplanted small intestines, large intestines, liver, stomach, pancreas, bladder, and two kidneys.

Sidney was a fighter, she was a brave and strong little girl who did everything she could to make it through, and did, until finally it was just too much.

Sidney peacefully passed away early yesterday morning in the arms of her mom and dad.

I don't know what it is like to be a parent, but I can imagine that losing a child is one of the most horrible things to have to go through.

I encourage you to visit Sidney's website and read her story. She has something to teach each and every one of us about perservence and being strong, not many people could put up with everything that little girl had to go though and still have a smile on their face.

She has taught me that we should be thankful for what we have and that we have a lot to learn when it comes to what really matters in life.

If you are able, I also encourage you to donate to her family, the cost of the medical procedures are (as can be imagined) extremely expensive and they could use all the help that those of us have to offer.

You can also view Sidney's story as reported on WCCO TV.