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Friday, August 01, 2008

A Dirty Plea


It's no secret that I love Dirty Jobs...It is also no secret that I have a huge crush on Mike Rowe. Incidentally, this is no secret to Josh either...Which makes it completely acceptable.
At the end of the show, Mike Rowe asks the viewers to go to the Dirty Jobs website and submit ideas for more Dirty Jobs. Which is what I did. Mostly because I think my idea is awesome, but also because I want to stalk him. (Kidding...sorta.)
Anyway, I've decided to post the three entries I wrote on the site...These entries take place over the course of three days. My entry had a LOT of hits, but no comments, so feel free to stop on by to this link and reply to my job and rant and rave about what an awesome idea it is etc...I am Sunshine76.

Day One:
Ahhh…The Minnesota State Fair or “The Great Minnesota Get-Together”, or what I affectionately call “Loads of Poo and a Coronary on a Stick.” However you want to refer to this 320 acre affair, it runs for twelve days (this year from August 21-September 1st) and trust me when I tell you that it’s a variable cornucopia of dirty.
Everything from heaps of animal poo, to an onslaught of grease for deep-frying, to people from Wisconsin (Kidding…sort of.).If you are searching for dirty, you will find it here.
If you are wondering what you will find in the Grand Stand after a Black Crowes concert (besides the obvious one-hitters and empty flasks of gin), I am sure they will let you help them clean up. If you want to learn how to operate the Tilter-Whirl and risk the possibility of losing a limb, I can bet that the good (mostly one-handed) folks on the Midway will clue you in. If you would like your bust carved out of a block of butter…well, you have to become “Princess Kay of the Milky Way” to do that, but I am sure someone can be paid off.
Mini-doughnuts, cheese curds, fried pickles, deep-fried snickers bars, corn dogs, fried green tomatoes, just to name a few, are all made in either tiny little trailers or smack dab in the middle of a large, hot and greasy food building that will make you wish you were never born. Not to mention that they stopped serving 3/2 beer last year and graduated to the full-on brew which will undoubtedly render “housekeeping” many hours of fun cleaning out the johns.
I know I already mentioned poop…But did I mention the extent of poop? Barn after barn, after barn of every kind of animal you can think of. Horses, pigs, cows, chickens, llamas, sheep, goats…Have you ever seen pig testicles the size of a fourth grader? I have…and I saw it at The Fair.
This is the only place on God’s green earth (hopefully) where you can watch a heifer give birth and then walk across the street to purchase a Scotch Egg, which if you don’t know what one is, it’s a hard boiled egg wrapped in some sort of meat mixture, coated in breadcrumbs and deep fried...Just what you want to be eating with the smell of barnyard wafting in the background. Yummy…
If you need some help navigating this barrage of filth let me know, I would be more than happy to offer my 25 (O.K. FINE 32) years of experience attending this dirty, filthy, event that us Minnesotan’s have become so proud of.

Day Two:
Awwww…Throw me some props here!
Have you ever watched in horror as some random seven-year-old polishes off a bucket of chocolate chip cookies and then hops on “The Zipper?” The result is not pretty, and it’s darn dirty. What about the poor fools that have to prepare your “pork-chop-on-a-stick” in a 7X14 trailer when it’s 85 degrees outside with 98% humidity? Sweaty AND dirty…And there is NO WAY you can turn your head the other way to thousands of poo-caked, feather tarnished rooster/chicken/bird cages…You’ve never seen anything so filthy. Ever.
So, take a serious look at this one…And tell Barsky that there are cheese curds and beer in it for him. Who can pass that up?

Day Three:
This is my last attempt. Before I let this entry be discarded into the reject file with “Crime Scene Cleanup” and “Slaughterhouse Worker,” I have one more idea…If you’re not interested in actually going to The Fair, how about clean-up after?
Can you imagine the mess after 1.6 million people eat, drink, and frolic their way across 360 acres of prime St. Paul real estate? The mere thought of the environmental detriment is enough to make Al Gore cry himself to sleep.
The animal barns need to be cleaned, the rickety death traps they call “carnival rides” need to be packed up, the grease pits need to be emptied and the bathrooms need to be scrubbed.
If my plea has been in vain, that's O.K. You can still find me at The Fair. I’ll be the one sulking in the corner gnawing on a fresh ear of sweet corn and concealing my contraband in the form of a gin-filled plastic flask that I plan on smuggling into the Black Crowes concert.
Peace.
Sunshine76.

9 comments:

Danika said...

AWESOME

Sandra said...

When I'm on my home pc I'll get a log-in for that site and go talk your idea up. Animal barns...come on, this is a brilliant idea.

anna said...

The State Fair would be a great idea! Who in the heck ever thought of creating a thing called the Scotch Egg? That is just wrong! You made me vomit a little in my throat when I read that… But truly the most dirty job at the State Fair would be to correct all of the fashion faux paus and hair traumas that are on display. Come on, we all know you can count 26 mullets in a one block radius!

Bud said...

You make is sound like SUCH FUN! I used to live a block and a half away from a large county fair that was very much like you described. Let's just say I've seen enough of THAT shit to last me a lifetime. But I'll head over there and leave a comment for ya! Great job you did, BW!

Steph said...

Oh my god, I miss you! You crack me the hell up. :) I'm so hitting that sight to pump up your idea. They should choose it and THEN have you host that episode, because really - who's going to convey the true nastiness like you?
And I'm so sorry I've been unreachable. Long story. I will write. :)

Jenni said...

Danika: I KNOW! Right?

Sandra: Brilliance is my middle name...O.K. so it's Kristine, but it's pretty darn close. Thanks for helping out!

Anna: I propose we go there together this year and be like Stacey and Clinton in "What Not to Wear" and bombard the unassuming patrons who bear fanny packs and mullets and give them a serious makeover.

Bud: It IS fun! For like 45 minutes. The it's not so fun. Thanks for your help!

STEPH!! I MISS YOU! I've tried to get in touch and I never heard back from you, then I thought I did something to insult you but then I thought how would that be any different than what I usually do to everyone else...(Kidding). So glad to hear from you and I can't wait to catch up! :)

Queen of Shake-Shake said...

Be wary of the Dirty Jobs message board. Or is it beware?

Either way...watch it! It's where the DJ crazies hang out. Bring a dictionary with you. Don't misspell words either or other members will publicly call you out on your grammar. (NOT kidding.)

Jenni said...

Queen: Are the DJ Crazies anything like "The People Under the Stairs?" If they are then I will be sure not to log-on at night. Thanks for the heads up!

m.a. said...

Oh, Jenni. I love Mike Rowe too. I hope that he does make it to Minnesota. If he does, I request lots of photos!

That's awesome.