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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Reasons Why I'm an Asshole; Feeding the Homeless



Feeding the homeless. It's an idea that in all other circumstances would be a completely non-asshole thing to do.

Volunteering at a soup kitchen, donating canned goods to a food shelf, giving money to organizations that help people in need are all really good ways to be a contributing member to society...right?

The other day while Josh and I were en route to wherever we were going we came to a stop at the top of an exit ramp where there happen to be a homeless person, holding a sign that read something like "Homeless, please help."

Now to set the stage for what Josh is about to say next I have to explain why he is driving around with a carton of 50+ beef sticks in the back of his car. Over the fourth of July holiday we were given the package of beef by my friends Dad who apparantly had an overabundant supply. I'm vegan, therefore I won't eat them, and they are WAY too chalk full of preservatives and cancer causing agents for Josh to want to as he refers to it, "Put them in the temple" or what most normal people would say, "eat them."

So as we were sitting there next to the homeless person, separated only by the tempered glass and steel of our German engineered air-conditioned vehicle, Josh looks at me and says, "Should I give him a beef stick?"

"OF COURSE, you should give him a beef stick!" I said.

But then the light turned green and we were unable to pawn off our chewable cancer wrapped in pork intestines to the unassuming homeless man.

The we starting talking, and this is where I become an asshole.

I asked Josh, "What if next time we're not close enough to the homeless person to be able to hand him or her a beef stick? We can't THROW it at them...that would be rude...Maybe we could create a shooting devise like those guns at sporting events where they shoot out t-shirts into the crowd. We could have a gun that shoots beefsticks at the homeless...and we could provide them with signs with targets on them for proper aim to ensure that no one loses and eye...And then as we are shooting we could scream "STEP INTO A SLIM JIM" so they know we are about to fire..."

And there you have it, launching food at the homeless...Just one, of many reasons why I'm an asshole.

4 comments:

Bud said...

No, I wouldn't hang that asshole tag on you. It's more a creative thought--the stuff cartoons are made of. I let all such random thoughts play through rather than repressing them. Sometimes they turn into songs or just blog posts. And this one is really pretty damn funny, you have to admit.

heather k said...

This is a hell of an idea! And hey, you'd only be an asshole if you were shooting heavy cans of Campbell's soup (better yet, the kind of can you need an opener for).

m.a. said...

You're hardly an asshole. You are funny! And a beefstick is better than no food at all.

Danika said...

I always keep the girl scout cookies I'm forced to buy from my co-workers' kidlets in the car and then give them to homeless people holding signs that say anything about being 'homeless and hungry.' Reactions are very mixed, some are very grateful and others would clearly rather have the cash. Does that make me an a-hole?