Wednesday, March 01, 2006

My life is a mess...

My life is a freaking mess. I realized this after actually looking at my desk while working yesterday. You see, I office out of my home which makes life a little easier, yet at the same time a little more complicated. See Exhibit A:

That, my friends is my “Office Armoire”, or more appropriately “Office Disaster Area”. You know those people who are really quite put together on the outside, but a freakin mess on the inside? Yep, that would be me.

I am normally a pretty clean person, but for some reason when it comes to my work area I just all of a sudden decided not to care anymore. Like, I’d get really busy and just shove things in there, close the doors, and then leave in a hurry to go visit clients not realizing that I was creating a monster, a document-fed scary mess of a monster. And believe it or not, there is a method to my madness...a sort of "organized chaos." Come to think of it, it’s really quite existential, or Freudian…whatever.

It was when I subconsciously moved my work area from the office to the kitchen counter that I realized that shit needs to be cleaned. So I started cleaning it, and found a few interesting things inside, things that generally wouldn’t belong in/on an office armoire.

Every office area needs a pair of maracas. I don’t exactly know why they are there, maybe in case I felt like creating some sort of fiesta while knee deep in sales reports and client phone calls. Maybe they help me keep my sanity. I wish I could say that, honestly I didn’t even know they were there.

This is an authentic 1950’s Ken doll which once belonged to my sister. He used to don a pink cowboy hat which has been lost, but instead now wears a plastic star from Mike’s Smokehouse that was given to me from my friend Andy my freshman year of college. Ken was shoved between the bottled Gas Duster and a box of old Christmas Cards. The star went, the cards went, but the doll stays.

At my house I don’t have to worry about sexual harassment, that’s why I can have not only one, but TWO penis necklaces at my desk. Most probably resurrected from one of the multiple bachelorette parties that I have attended. One is actually a whistle, I’m thinking of attaching to my keychain in case of emergencies.

This really dates me. Not only is it a cassette tape, but it is a BON JOVI “SLIPPERY WHEN WET” cassette tape. For those moments when I’m feeling all nostalgic I can pop it into my cassette player and sing along with good old Jon and the boys. “WOAAAAHHHHHH….WE’RE HALF WAY THERE…WOOOOAAAAAHHHHHH!!! LIVIN ON A PRAYER….!!!” Wait, do I even have a cassette player anymore?

Not only do I not have to worry about sexual harassment, but I also don’t have to worry about inappropriate racial stereotypes. You’re probably wondering, “What the hell is she doing with a model size Mexican in an outhouse?” I got this from my Grandma’s house when we were cleaning it out after she passed. You take the cap off the mushroom and fill it with water and then when you open the door to the outhouse the Mexican turns around and pees on you. It’s so not politically correct, therefore it totally belongs in the Armoire.

And last, but certainly not least, I have the crème de la crème, the icing on the cake, the stuffed armadillo. Yes, ladies and gentleman, that is a stuffed armadillo that has somehow found it’s home on the top of my armoire. The same armadillo that was bought on ebay by a certain someone (Josh) for a bargain of $115. The Lonestar beer that he was holding has long since disappered and I am no longer scared of it, so it stays.

And that’s pretty much it. I’m sure I could have pulled a few more things to write about, but I only have so much time here, and I don’t want to seem like a total freak. What? Too late? Oh well….


The Muse said...

Jenni? OMG. That is hilarious!!! It makes me feel better about finding a stuffed Gizmo (y'know, from the Gremlins) in the backseat of my car. My car would be your equivalent of the armoire, as I live out of it half the time (assorted gym clothes, hashing attire, trips to Target, etc).

Paul G said...

jenni... 115 bucks for a stuffed armadillo??
I can get you one on the side of yonder Dallas highway for free (you only pay shipping and handling)!!

115 dollars?!?!?!?

It IS funny, though.

Jenni said...

Muse: WHAT? Oh, my god...I totally have that SAME stuffed Gizmo in a box in my basement...you shake it and it squeaks right?

Paul: Funny thing. I once had a boss from Texas who I had a conversation with about the armidillo. It went somethings like this.

Jen: You're from Texas, guess what I got in the mail today?
Boss: What?
J: A stuffed armidillo.
B: Oh, yeah? What did you pay for it?
J: Well, josh paid $115 for it on ebay.
B: Are you SERIOUS? $115 DOLLARS! Boy, somebody got screwed on that deal.
J: Wait! You'll never guess what it's holding...
B: A Lonestar beer.
J: Silence (Walked out of his office and slammed the door).

Paul G said...

So, how WAS the lone star beer??

It's the National Beer of Texas, so I assume it was the best beer you've ever tasted.

(it's not worth $115, but oh well...)

Heather B said...

I love the armadillo!

Ive had a weird obsession with them since the cake in Steal Magnolias.

Charlie Mc said...

I think the "desk" or "armoire" has some character!

ERL said...

that was hilarious and sadly all too familiar to me...

Anonymous said...


1) I too had that stuffed gizmo - with that weird squeek thing inside it. I always felt like it was more of a dog toy...

2) that offensive statue of a caricature mexican in an outhouse is not just any old mexican. That's Cantinflas - he's like the mexican Charlie Chaplin. I swear ask any mexican. Now imagine a Chaplin peeing on you when you open the door. Pretty hilarious!

boneman said...

Way cool!
Since ya found all that cool stuff cleaning from (I'm assumming here...) the first picture, well, heck! I got piles at home that would make a snack outa that lil thing there of yers. Any chance ya wanna come over and find a buncha expensive stuff in our crap?

mysterygirl! said...

I'm so envious! I wish I would find such cool stuff when I'm cleaning. The best thing I found was a collection of keychains that are the characters in the Sausage Race at Miller Park: the hot dog, the Polish sausage, the Italian sausage, and the brat. And they aren't any old keychains-- they are actually little plush figurines.

Oh, and I totally have the Bon Jovi tape in my car, among others. Once I got my car back from the shop and the mechanic had popped in my Def Leppard "Hysteria" cassette. Awesome.

Momentary Academic said...

I've only seen dead armadillos. They're weird...I love this post.

Teri M. said...

Ok, I totally feel better now. Thanks! Except that I also feel somehow amaturish because, despite my mess, I have no stuffed road kill. Where did I go wrong?