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Monday, May 01, 2006

The Bush Controversy

I can’t quite decide if I’m writing this post because a). I’m an anal retentive shrub Nazi who really wants some sincere suggestions on how to handle this situation, or b). I have the sense of humor of a 16-year old boy.

So, here goes…

This is my neighbors bush.



As you can see, it’s clearly out of control with it’s branches and bushiness hanging out everywhere like some sort of crazy…well…bush.
Normally, people prune these things and make them all nice and straight, kind of like this:

Now, my yard is fairly neat, all my bushes are nice and trimmed because…well…that’s how I roll.

My question is, how do I politely ask my neighbor, who just happens to be female, to trim her bush? Do I say, “Hey, Tiffany, you’re bush is looking a little unruly, you may want to consider giving it a trim?” Or do I offer my bush trimming services and say, “You know Tiffany, I was planning on doing some trimming of my own, since I have my clippers out, I wouldn’t mind coming over and giving your bush a clipping.” OR I could have Josh go over there and give a males perspective and he could say “You know, as a man, we like our bushes nice and neat, maybe you should consider tidying that monster up a tad.”

Hmmmm…so many insulting and unnecessary options, I really don’t know where to begin.

What do you think?

27 comments:

Mike said...

That bush is outta control. The nazi in ya needs to aquire a chainsaw and go to town!

Momentary Academic said...

Well, you could say that the shrubbery is not aesthetically pleasing and that you'd like to recommend a course of action.

That would be taking the high road.

You could say that this bush is more out of control than the one who is living in the white house (buh dum bum-- ching!)!

That would be taking the lower road.

60 and counting said...

Just make sure it's clippers in your hand, not wax !!!

Steph said...

Oooohhh...60 and Counting - that was funny!

So many sick and twisted comments come to mind, I barely know where to start...
I think you should send Josh over (unless you think the end result will be him trying to get your two bushes to somehow "propagate" while he holds the video camera).

Bud said...

Go with a synonym like Shrub or Mr. President.

Heather B said...

I can't believe they would let it grow over like that, if it were me I would have hacked off the part on my side without warning ... I wonder if thats legal?

But I guess the better, more uncomfortable thing would be to send your man over for some akward converstation ... using as many bush references as possible like you said :)

RetroDragon said...

Seriously, my mother once got into a feud with our next-door neighbor over shrubs and they didn't speak for 20 years. A little extreme, but a warning that people go crazy over topiary. I, on the other hand, am oblivious to such thing, as evidenced by the fact that, whenever my roommate complains about the sorry state of the plants in our backyard, my response is always, "We have plants in the backyard?"

Paul G said...

Jenni-
The comedy potential here is pretty much unlimited... I'd stick with the "bush" double entendre. It's always good for a laugh or 300.


Jenni: Uhh, neighbor, your bush's approval rating has hit an all-time low? You should do something about it!

Neighbor: If I put on some cheesy 1970's music, maybe you and I could 'dive' into this project together!!

(also could be used for tasteless and unfunny lezzy-porn jokes)

Sandra said...

Danika and I were just discussing the other night that anything hanging onto YOUR side of the property line is yours to trim, shape into a swan, or give a Brazilian...you could at least make your side of the fence less unruly.

The Muse said...

Hack away, girl!

Wendy said...

Hi there. I'm here visiting through Sandra's place. I'm with her and Heather B ... if it's on your side, Trim Away your side!! This is too funny though -- the underlying current I mean!

Johnny Wadd said...

If it is hanging in your airspace then you have every right to trim it.

the belligerent intellectual said...

How about "You know, if you can't get through the bush to the stem you'll never be able to water it."

Wait, hold on . . . I forgot, I'm not good at wordplay.

treespotter said...

second johnny wadd. my neighbor did it. i set up a mortar on my yard, leave it there and start trimming his bush in my airspace. he peeked, saw the mortar ready and backed off immediately. the mortar is also useful to get him to park his car properly, turn his music down and not wear pink on Wednesdays.

Neil said...

I would go for the non-confrontational approach. I would sneak the latest issue of Tree and Bush Magazine into her mailbox. When she looks inside and sees all the photos of all the nicely trimmed bushes, she'll realize that her rowdy bush is very 1970's and old-fashioned.

Rob Lowe said...

You should move to a brazilian neighborhood.

Leezer said...

You know, legally you have every right to trim the bush on your side of the property as long as the trimming doesn't kill the bush. If I were you, I'd hack away.

Sunfish said...

I think you should call it a "tree" or maybe have one of your infamous "accidents" with fireworks in that vicinity of the yard. Good luck!

mysterygirl! said...

Hahahahaha.

I think you've come up with the best replies. That bush is definitely interfering with your enjoyment of the scenery. teehee!

Anonymous said...

This is encroachment, I've been trimming it for two years; I may have to step-up and hack off major limbs.

Syonara limbs!

Mpls_red said...

There really is nothing better to look at then a nicely trimmed bush. I could stare all day. Huh? What were we takling? Sorry, I wondered off for a second....
President Bush?
Shit, I have no idea what this is all about.

As always... Rachael said...

Well, you could sneak over there in the middle of the night and salt the earth... or you could just trim it. Neighbor relations are tricky... no matter how nicely you tell her that her bush is unruly, she might take it the wrong way. I think you should just trim it up so that it looks nice on your side... she'll never even know.

heather k said...

I'm with sunfish...just torch the damn thing.

Big Ben said...

I would cut it myself, at night with a ski mask on. Put what was cut on her porch with a note (insert your own funny saying on the note, I'm tired)

TheSugarV said...

I am a big fan of trimmed bushes. If you don't do it no one will. I would trim it a pretend that I didn't do it like "wow what happened to your bush? Must have been those pesky squirrels, they'll munch on anything you know..."

Kevin said...

5 pounds of salt would put an end to that old bushs agony. 5 years after the soil recovers, replant with a young, new, fresh bush. As every man knows, a younger bush is always preferred over an old, overgrown, ungroomed, and outdated one. Please take these remarks in any of the 1000 different paths they could take, then realize you've blown a Sunday thinking of both old and new bush. Oh lordy. I've given you a 1000 more.

Sorry Rachael, did a quick scan to make sure no one else thought of the salt trick....I see you brought it up first...however, I'm still going with it.

This all just reminded me of a neighbor I had whose yard always had to be perfect....I snuck over one night with a bucket of Urea (look it up, will make grass green and grow about 1' a day in the spring) an spelled asshole(really big) in his front yard...it worked remarkably well and was quite the hit all summer with the rest of my burbs. Being the stupid fuck he was, he didn't know what was used and proceeded to fertilize his yard to get it "even" or "erase" asshole out of his yard, which only made it worse...yeah I rule.

Ebal said...

Be polite and send the guy over and have him say hey I am doing some yard work and trimming would you like me to trim your shrub. It is polite nonshalant and it is not offensive. And if she doesnt want it trimmed at night walk out there and through a big plastic cup of diesel fuel on it. And in a week it will be history. But i believe it will thrill her if he would ask polite and she will be glad that he trimmed the shrub. Always go out of your way to avoid conflict or trouble. BUT! sometimes you have to get you a big cup and put it to use.