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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

I'm Sorry

To the lady at my 6:00 Step class. I’m sorry you have no rhythm. I’m sorry that you can’t keep the beat like the rest of the class, even like the 55-year old Chinese lady that stands behind you can. And when I look in the mirror back in your direction as you violently flail your arms around in what looks like a seizure instead of a form exercise, and crack a smile, I hope you realize that I’m smiling because you look ridiculous. I’m sorry.

To the creepy salesman at one of my dealerships. I’m sorry you creep me out. I’m sorry that when you see me walk through the door you run to me, touch my arm and tell me how good it is to see me, or when I’m sitting in my Finance Managers office and you come in and rub my back and simply say “Hello” how it makes me want to jump out of my skin and hide. It’s not me, really, it’s you. I’m sorry.

To the bag boy at the grocery store. I’m sorry your job sucks. I’m sorry the whole bane of your existence revolves around the question “Paper, or Plastic?” I’m sorry that it’s too much to remember not to put the eggs on the bottom of the bag under the pineapple and carton of soy milk most probably because you were in the back with the other bag boys sniffing the nitrous oxide out of the Eazy Cheeze cans. I’m sorry you’re an idiot.

To the Jackoff in the SUV that almost ran me off the road yesterday. I know your car is HUGE and mine is small. I know you were talking on your phone and most probably didn’t see me to your left as you merged onto the freeway as you made your Tee-time or were talking to your wife who was out buying steaks for dinner. And when you waived at me in apology after realizing that you almost killed me and I flicked you off, I meant it. Asshole.

17 comments:

Momentary Academic said...

1. I need to go to that 6:00am power step class.

2. I'm so creeped out for you. That touchy guy sounds like the devil incarnate. ugh!

3. Wow, you still have bag boys? That's cool. But not cool that he sucks.

4. You should have flicked him off.

Margaret said...

amen

djmetronome said...

Ha! I love "suv guy on cell phone"...I always want them to do the whole "roll over" crash thingy...not die...just "F up" their cars bad...

I'm anti bag boy. I dont want some 17yr old boy touching food I intend to eat...go self check out!

I'm doing my own "appology" on my page now...thanks for the inspiration.

Bud said...

I hope that felt good, Jenni. It sure as hell made ME feel good. It's so liberating to just say that and not get all apologetic because somebody else is an asshole. I hate that tendency.

Steph said...

I'm really sorry for the Wal-Mart salesperson who, when asked if he knew of a nearby sporting goods store in the area, he answered, "NO! I don't know where there are any sporting goods stores around here. I work in Furniture."

Bling said...

Too Funny!

mcBlogger said...

Cell phone users...damn them, what's so effing important?

Thank you for that...

Leisa said...

thanks for making me smile today.

i've got a new bookmark! thanks!

Barry said...

Hey - at least you have entertainment in step class! Doesnt every place of any size have at least one creepy guy? I am kind of like academic on the bag boy thing - you still have them? Yeah - the public cell phone users - well there needs to be etiquite used there.

heather k said...

My response to folks like these when I encounter them is a little more confrontational: I raise an irritated eyebrow and say, "What ARE ya doin'?" That usually stops them in their tracks - especially those idiots at the dealerships=)

Aliecat said...

Loved it!

liberalbanana said...

Great post. Back when I used to work out (ha) I couldn't help but laugh at the people who couldn't keep the beat either. Like, seriously - how freakin' hard is it? NOT THAT HARD. But at least they're there to give us a little chuckle.

heather k said...

Jen, you should create www.CreepyDealershipGuy.com.

You could post photos of these creeps on the site - you KNOW other other sales reps would contribute!

That way, people would be warned!! And as a bonus, it'd be funny as hell.

mrsmogul said...

I want to get a SUV but I would never try to run people over with it. It's always the DAMN mommy drivers that park illegally.

Jimmy said...

ummm...you're not really sorry, are ya? ;o)

Megan said...

To the girl who wrote this post: I'm sorry, but I have nothing witty to add in the comments. However, you did give me a chuckle.

LZ Blogger said...

Funny blog. EVEN Funnier post! ~ jb///