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Friday, April 21, 2006

Jen Thinks Outside The Box.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. It started at the gas pump as I was silently cursing the fact that gas had jumped to $2.98 per gallon. It cost me over $30.00 to fill up The Rollerskate, a car that only has a 10-gallon tank. Ridiculous.

After I had paid, and tried (with no success) to use that little squeegee thing to clean my windshield, I immediately headed to the Starbucks drive thru across the street. It was there I ordered my favorite, a Grande CafĂ© Vanilla Light Frappuccino with an extra shot of espresso. I gave the lady my check card, and I was on my way. Now here’s the thing, I never look at prices for things like this, I wouldn’t stand there and complain that I was about to pay close to five dollars for a 12 oz cup of ice, skim milk, and coffee, one that would last me oh, about 10 minutes TOPS. And why is that? Why is it that I complain about the price of gas, but not that I’m getting royally fucked by the folks at Starbucks?

It was here I had the epiphany…Are you ready…Money isn’t in oil, or gas…it’s in COFFEE! Move over J.R. Ewing, because Juan Valdez is KICKING YOUR ASS!

While driving down the highway I retrieved the receipt from Starbucks out of the ashtray and scanned down to the total. $4.31. I paid $4.31 cents for my drink…Hmmmm…I wonder how much it would cost if The Rollerskate ran solely on Starbucks Frappuccino? I reached for my cell phone that has a calculator and I began my figuring, first in my head. There are 16 cups in a gallon, 8 oz per cup that makes 128 oz per gallon X 10, that’s 1280 oz in a 10-gallon tank. Now I need to divide that by 12 oz per Frappucino and times that by $4.31 and I get $459.73 (And yes, I did this ALL while driving…I know, I’m amazing) which is about FIFTEEN TIMES the amount of money I just spent to fill up. Thank God The Rollerskate doesn’t run on Starbucks Frappuccino.

Just think, what one can do with a full tank of gas and what one can do with a Frappuccino? I can drive to and from my favorite store Anthropologie two times on one tank of gas, but on the other side, there are no baby seals hurt in the making, or transporting of Frappuccino...and comparatively speaking, that’s all I needed to know to never, ever complain about the price of gas, or the Frappuccino again.

And there you have it. I once again solve another economic crisis by using comparative analysis. Maybe I should be a politician…or better yet, President of the United States. Nah, I think maybe I’ll just buy a Starbucks and make enough profit off of idiots to take over the world...we’ll see.

18 comments:

Momentary Academic said...

Jenni,

I think that you are on to something. I wish that I owned a starbucks. You can put one in any neighborhood and the people will come. It's like a cult really.

Paul G said...

Wait a minute, Jenni....

I admire your desire to solve the world's energy crisis; and your grasp of macroeconomics is astounding,
but you did all them highfalutin' math computations on your phone's calculator WHILE DRIVING down the highway?!?!?!?

Forget oil or coffee... the problem is WOMEN DRIVERS.

;) pg

The Muse said...

Wow. That's a really good way of looking at it. Now, if I were to do the same with the 'Ree (my Camry), that has a 16-gallon tank and MY favorite drink (Captain & diet with lime), ordered at the standard price of $6.50 per drink, and my drink has about 6 oz of combined liquid (with ice), then to fill up my car, it would take $2218.67 worth of C&D. Plus the price of a whole 'nother bottle of Captain, just to put me out of misery from the sticker shock...

Mr. Toast said...

I live in possibly the only town in America with a population exceeding 10K that does not have a Starbucks. Woe is my culturally-deprived ass. However, Dunkin' Donuts coffee is pretty good, and a lot cheaper.

Grad School Reject said...

Is it wrong that after reading your post I now want to drive to Starbucks and buy a latte'?

Jenni said...

MA: I know, there should be a movie about it starring Kevin Costner. I'll play the drive thru Starbucks lady.

Paul G: a).Thanks, b).I know it is, and c). what choo talkin 'bout Willis? The problem is NOT women drivers...the problem is 16 year old boy drivers which enough pubescent testesterone to fill an oil tanker.

Muse: Shit, I didn't even try that with Kettle One Martinis...at $8 a pop?!!! YIKES!

Toast: I've heard much about this Dunkin Donuts of which you speak, however we don't have those...just Krispy Kremes...which is quite possibly the home of the anti-christ of anything remotly nutritional.

Grad School: No, this is EXACTLY why I'm a salesperson. ;)

Steph said...

My favorite part of this is that in a ten gallon tank, with gas costing $2.98 a gallon, you pumped $30.00 in. Way to wait 'til you were running on fumes! That's why we're friends.

Monkeypotpie said...

I'm going to learn how to fly.

mysterygirl! said...

I LOVE that you just figured out how much it would cost to fill your gas tank with Frappuccino. That's hilarious.

Like you and Muse were figuring earlier, I definitely shouldn't figure out the cost of filling up with those fruit-flavored martinis I drink so damn many of...

As always... Rachael said...

I'm glad there's no Starbucks in my town. I can't afford any more vices.

Bud said...

Yeah, playing in as many coffee houses as I do, I've come to the same realization. What a markup! And I'd rather give up driving than give up coffee. Of course, it makes more sense to make your own. You could make a hell of a lot for $5.00! I buy flavors by the case. I'm way ahead of it. When I'm playing in a coffee joint, they give it to me free, too. Truth is, I'd probably play for a week's supply of coffee. Well some weeks anyway.

RetroDragon said...

I also find it remarkable that you knew how cups were in a gallon. I always figure it's between 12 and 16, but I'm never really sure. Cooking at my house is fun!

The alternative to this theory is that we could all just get so hopped-up on espresso that we could run every where and then we wouldn't need a car.

heather k said...

I guess those years of selling coffee service actually were good for something;)

Mpls_red said...

Los Angeles has the highest number of coffee shops, Seattle has the highest penetration by ZDNet's ZDNet -- Los Angeles, Seattle, Chicago and New York lead the nation in number of coffee shops opened, with 801 shops in LA area. However, when NPD Group divided the population numbers by the number of coffee shops, Seattle, Portland, Minneapolis and San Diego became the market with the highest coffee shop penetration. There're 2.5 coffee shops [...]

Every single work day I stop at the local coffee shop and pay $4.58 for some stuipd coffee. I am PISSING away $1200.00 a year on this stuff (pun intended). I love this line: Seattle, Portland, MINNEAPOLIS and San Diego became the market with the highest coffee shop PENETRATION. Penetration, an intresting choice of words. Thats how I feel when I fork over $4.58 for coffee!

The truth is, I know better. I've run the numbers. The fact is I spend more a year on coffee then the people are paid to pick the stuff in Colombia. Does that stop me? NO. I am a consumer. I'm not even sure if I like coffee, but it looks cool to walk in to work every morning with my five dollar cup o' joe. Could that be the answer? Are we really addicted to coffee or are we feeling somehow "cool" when we have that big cup with us?

Mpls_red said...

(Shameless plug) I made a new post... First time since?
Thanks for your understanding.
Mpls_Red

Johnny Wadd said...

Wait, you are complaining about the price of gas then you go to Starbucks, the mecca of overpriced java?

Jenni said...

Johnny: That's kind of the point to the whole post and you look remarkebly similar to Rob Lowe. What's up with that?

Ebal said...

Did you know Jen that Coffee is the number 1 export and import good in the world...I Enjoy you site...Ebal