Monday, March 27, 2006

The Culinary Implications of Fake Bacon

Today I was craving a BLT, only there's one problem with that...I don't eat bacon. And you can't really have a BLT and NOT have the bacon...Right? So, I decided to take a stab at using fake bacon. That's right, fake bacon. I was a little scared at first when I opened up the package and there were a half dozen pieces of what looked to be marbelized playdough in a freezer pack. "Is this what I paid $5.00 for?"

I was clearly visually disappointed in my fake bacon, but I decided to not let it's first impression influence me. So, I smelled it, and it actually smelled like bacon. So, I put three pieces on a plate and read the microwave directions, mostly out of fear that if I were to use my All Clad skillet I would spend the next hour and a half scraping a charred artificial mess out of my $100 pan.

The part that confused me was "microwave until crispy." Crispy? So, I forced myself to touch it. Yep, it's definitely NOT crispy and my playdough analogy was proving itself more and more as time went on.

I threw the plate into the nuke and set the timer for two minutes. And then I watched it, half expecting to witness my fake bacon spontaneously combust right in front of my very eyes.

It took two minutes to go from fresh playdough to the kind of playdough that has been left out, uncovered in the sun for two days. At least that's how it felt. Now was time for the ultimate test...I was going to put it in my mouth. (I know terrifying, isn't it?)

I broke off a piece and tasted it. It took about seven seconds for it to completely disintigrate in my mouth. I didn't even have to chew and watched as Josh gazed on with a look of sheer terror. I didn't know what to think, I mean it's literally been years since I've eaten bacon, but I was pretty sure that this wasn't even close. It was more like a carbon-like form of bacon bits, and I'm sure you can imagine how good that was.

Regardless, I was still craving a BLT so I took the two pieces of fake bacon, and sandwiched them between two pieces of honey wheat bread, mayo, a slice of Swiss cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, and fresh avocado slices and made a sandwich that would have left any seasoned sandwich connoisseur in awe, and my guess was right! It wasn't nearly as bad in the sandwich as it was on its own.

However, it's only been about 30 minutes since I ate it, and adverse food reactions take at least five hours to take effect. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

(Lucky for you, you've been spared the Fake Bacon Photos...blogger's photo download must be broken for the time being...Consider yourself fortunate.)

(AHA! Blogger's "Upload Images" is back up and running...too bad for you.)


heather k said...

So, what in the world is Fake Bacon made out of?

Sandra said...

I've had the Fak'n Bak'n...it's much better if you fry it, you can get it a little crispier then, so it doesn't have quite as much of the consistency of a dog's tongue. Plus a little Miracle Whip totally fixes it. Good eatin!!

iheartbacon said...

FAKE BACON!!! Are you crazy. I personally eat bacon with every meal. When I make sandwiches I place the bread in between my slices of bacon. I love bacon so to read your blog is like a nightmare. A real nightmare. The only thing worse would be a naked homosexual running away with your bacon and having to chase him down in order to get back your bacon.

The Muse said...

Eh, I'll stick with turkey bacon. But now you've got me craving a BLT, and there's only two places in town I get those. One is outside of my allowed 10 minute radius commute from work (yum, Marietta Diner), and the other is the place I went to yesterday, and I refuse to go there two days in a row...

The Muse said...

Okay... re: the spring cleaning stuff you linked for me on my page. You are EVIL! Now I want to buy them too, just so I can have yummy-smelling cleaning products when the "2nd spring cleaning" hits me again in a couple of weeks... You're bringing out my Monica from Friends tendencies!

Paul G said...


Speaking of naked homosexuals, you seem to be REEEEEAAALLY familiar with the concept of a fag stealing your bacon. What gives?

I mean, MAYBE if you were talking about hitting a gay with a slab of bacon, or throwing hot bacon grease on a fag to disfigure him... but chasing one down the street?!?!?!?!?



(oh, jenni, sorry about the juvenile fag talk on your blog... but we ARE pretty juvenile down here, and we think stuff like this is funny.
at least, i do..)

Jenni said...

Heather: Ingredients:
Egg whites, soybean oil, textured soy protein concentrate, modified corn starch, wheat gluten, natural and artificial flavors from non-meat sources. Contains 2% or less of glycerin, soy protein isolate, salt, hydrolyzed corn, soy, and wheat protein, sodium citrate, caramel color, propylene glycol, monocalcium phosphate, dried yeast, sodium tripolyphosphate, locust bean and guar gum, malic acid, sucrose, carrageenan, autolyzed yeast extract, vitamins and minerals [niacinamide, iron (ferrous sulfate), vitamin B1 (thiamin mononitrate), vitamin B6 (pyridoxine hydrochloride), vitamin B2 (riboflavin), vitamin B12 (cyanocobalamin)], red #3 for color, nonfat dry milk, disodium guanylate, and yellow #6 for color.

You're sorry you asked, aren't you...and frankly I'm sorry you asked too...Pretty Scarry, eh?

Sandra: Well, you were much braver than I. And after reading the ingredients I think that was my last go with Fake Bacon.

Iheartbacon: I am scared for your cholesterol...get that shit checked will you? I am also curious about your fear of homosexuals stealing your bacon...is there something you would like to share?

Muse: I have a thing like that too, about eating in a resturant more than once a week. Oh, and sorry...but you HAVE to buy the products. And for those of you who have yet to do your spring cleaning, go here
and either purchase them on the internet, or find a store near you!

PaulG: Allright, no more talk of slinging bacon at gay people. They are individuals just like you and I...wait, what am I doing here? I forgot, you're from Texas...nevermind.

Momentary Academic said...

No. Jenni. Not fake bacon! Please be careful with it, lady!

iheartbacon said...

Dear Jenni, Sorry about all the anti-fag talk. But I'm a product of my surroundings. Texan, Southern Baptist, ex-marine, grew up in a small town. Seagoville(Suburb of Mesquite which is a suburb of Dallas.) I'm going to change and try and respect the regular fags. I'm going to start by calling them, "HOMOSEXUAL". anyway.....What's wrong with real bacon? My cholesterol is perfect. Bacon should be cooked until right before crisp because since the bacon(grease) is still hot, it will cook just a tad longer when you place it on the papertowel. Then,,,,enjoy.

Dear Paul, You're a fag. I think you are proud of having a gay roommate in college. I'm coming to get you. You can't hide forever.

Glibbidy said...

I agree with the Muse, Tukey bacon hands down is at least 1,000,000 better then the fakin bacon stuff.

mysterygirl! said...

I've been looking for a socially acceptable way to eat Play-Doh as an adult-- thanks so much for the recommendation!

Rob Lowe said...

I eat this on occasion. The morning star variety. But if you really want some good bacon, take some hard tofu, slice it thin and fry it till crisp. After that, flash fry with some soy sauce, liquid smoke and nutritional yeast (or cornflour). It's a real treat hot toes!

Jenni said...

MA: Yes, I took all the precautions, thanks for the warning. And thanks for the Haiku...you're the best!

Iheartbacon: Just because you grew up in hickville is not an excuse to be so damn homophobic. I challenge you to make friends with a gay male sometime soon, and NO Paul G doens't count. Now do it.

Glib: Hmmmm...Turkey bacon...not so sure about that either. But I do have to say, it does sound better than anchovies.

Mystery: Exactly! It's like being in Kindergarden and eating the paste ALL OVER AGAIN!

Rob: That actually sounds pretty good. I'll give it a try when my next craving strikes...thanks! Oh, and I'm glad my toes made your screen saver...I'll be sure to post a new picture after my next pedicure.

As always... Rachael said...

Me? I have no such problems. As far asI'm concerned, bacon is a food group. I've got issues with nitrates though, so I've backed off a little... which upsets me greatly cause DAMN bacon tastes good!

Bud said...

I actually got to like that stuff. It was talking myself into it or death by cholesterol and nitrates.