Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Welcome Home, Fuckers!

I was getting into my car this morning when I heard it, the incessant honking of the Canadian geese as they made their way to land more than likely a few blocks over at Lake Nokomis. Every year around this time it seems as though the population of those long-necked sons of satans doubles when they come back from wherever the hell they went. Sure, a few stragglers stayed to tough out the cold Minnesota winter, most probably because of a bum wing, or old age, but the majority of them leave to go South which I could never understand since after all, they are “Canadian geese.” Right?

Now, don’t get me wrong here, I don’t HATE them…I just don’t understand why there has to be SO MANY of them. You know? And when you have so many of them, that means that you have A LOT of bird shit. And their shit is not like normal bird shit, it’s like large pellets of shit, and it’s EVERYWHERE.

In high school I was on the golf team (shut up) and my golf coach was this little old lady in her 60’s who was an excellent golfer, but had quite the temperament and swore like a truck driver. She HATED geese because they crapped all over the golf course and when she would cross one while driving, she would purposely run them over with her automobile. Seriously, I almost died once when I was in the car with her and she violently swerved from the left lane to the right shoulder to take one out that was standing on the side of the road. She actually SPED UP to hit it, missed it, cussed, TURNED THE CAR AROUND TO TRY IT AGAIN, and missed it again.

I felt like I was in some sort of strange cartoon featuring Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. It was crazy, and maybe has something to do with my dislike for them. Some sort of associative disorder with geese and death...Who knows.

However, there is also a side to these devilish creatures that I actually kind of like. First of all, they have complete disregard for things that are larger than them and they appear as if they just don’t give a shit. It’s almost as if they are challenging you to run them over.

You know when you’re driving along and you encounter a goose that just happens to be standing in the middle of the road, so you slow down and eventually come to a stop because the little bastard won’t move? He just looks at you like, “What?” And then you honk your horn and he stands there and looks at you again like “WHAT? Go ahead and run me over, I’ll just fuck up your radiator and get stuck in your grill causing you to spend the rest of the afternoon at the carwash trying to remove my remnants from your cute little white car!” And then I stick my head out the window and waive my arms like a crazy person to try and get it to move all while yelling something along the lines of “Jesus CHRIST! You have WINGS for GOD sakes! Get your feathered little goose ass out from the middle of the FREAKIN ROAD!”

And only after I make a scene does he decide to finish crossing the road so he can go eat gravel on the OTHER side of the street.

Fucking geese.


Anonymous Midwest Girl said...

Ha! We have those geese everywhere here, too. They are so freaking loud!!

When I was five or six and my sister three or so, a goose attacked her. I kid you not. The thing tried to kill her. She had bite marks all over her arms and face. It was scary! She still hates them (as I would, too).

heather k said...

For some strange reason, this reminds me of when birds shat all over Brenda's car (Brenda from Aramark) when she parked for a few days at the Airport Park N Ride. Hee.

Lauri said...

A few years back, I was casually driving down Hwy 36 and a flock of those bastards, all at once, decided to let go over my car. The windshield was COVERED, the smell was coming through the vents, I still haven't heard my husband laugh that hard since it happened.

Momentary Academic said...

We get those same geese. The do poop everywhere! It's awful.

Regardless, Jenni, you know how to spin a yarn. You're hilar!

If I ever move to Minnesota, I want to be friends. Immediately.

The Muse said...

Yeah, like AMGs sister, I, too, was the victim of a violent goose attack. Granted, we were at the petting zoo, and I tried to feed it gummy worms and then chased it around the pen for 10 minutes. So I probably deserve the bite. But, in my defense, I was 4, and thought it would become my pet if it would just let me hug its neck.

Paul G said...


"Fucking geese" rhymes with "bacon grease"... in case you hadn't noticed.

But seriously, you folks in minnesota should consider yourselves lucky: you have CANADIAN geese that invade your space and expect you to change your lives according to their whims... We in Texas have millions of MEXICANS that do the same thing.


Doug said...

I like how you talk about how much they shit and then say they don't give a shit.

Sunfish said...

A similar occurence to Lauri's happened to me but at my house in IL so there was shit all over our yard, walk, cars in the driveway and house. That SUCKED! Think there's some evolutionary advantage to geese shitting in unison? Maybe I'll make that my thesis project...

mysterygirl! said...

Those damn geese. I like how your crazy golf coach tried to take one out on principle-- that's a great story. We're goin' back to take another pass at it!

Jenni said...

AM: That was the other thing I kinda like about the geese, they ACT like they want to be your friend and then when they're done with you they try and kill you. What a stitch!

Heather: You know I DO remember that now that you mention that. Poor Brenda...she always got the short end of the stick.

Lauri: That is really funny, and I could see how not much else could top that one for your husband...I just don't think it gets any more funny than that, especailly when it happens to someone else!

MA: Thanks! You sure know how to give a girl a compliment. Let me know when you make the move, you can teach me how to play the guitar!

Muse: That's cute! I was the same way, I couldn't figure out why every animal didn't want to be hugged.

Paul G: It also rhymes with "On your knees", but you can keep that between you and ihearbacon.
Thank you, thank you, I'm here all night.

Doug: Good observation, I never thought of it like that.

Erica: That's funny and the visual has me cracking up. I bet you were pissed! By the way, that sounds like an excellent topic. You can title it "Canadian Geese are neither Canadian nor Geese...discuss."

Mystery: Yeah, it wasn't so great at the time, but looking back it was pretty funny. I always wonder what happened to her. Most probably now trying to run them over with her Lark.

Monkeypotpie said...

You think you have it bad? I live across the road from the largest freshwater marsh in the entire country. This time of year there are thousands of geese flying overhead. V after V after V after V after V of geese. And they all poop. Everywhere.

Think Frustrated said...

BTW...they're called Canada Geese. They're not actaully Canadian, nor do they come from Canada. Does that matter? They poop green all over my lawn. I also got bit by one when I was 11. That shit fucking stings.

boneman said...

Probably I'm gonna be as popular as d'geese by the time I finish this, eh?
But, it needs to get said, and, well,...I'm just the kinda guy who sez things like this.
The geese are actually thinking the same thing as the Indians that used to live here before us. "Dang! We needed to have a better policy on immagrants!"

The reason there seems to be so many more of them now-a-days is because new developements lay out a beautiful pond within their legal boundaries and then absolutely force the geese off to somewhere else. The places the geese used to go to are getting put under asphalt, wood and plastic, and have no where else to go. So, the few places they do congregate are becoming more populated with those who have lost their places.
And, they're not that hard to get rid of, actually. Just follow the same strategy as the (moronic) developers here in central Indiana and you should be rid of them in no time at all.
First, where they nest, wait till the main body of them are gone, go in and destroy their nests as much as possible, and if there are mothers nesting eggs, get an accomplice to keep the bird occupied and go in and destroy their eggs or kill all the babies. Then, whenever you see them coming back to re-establish, just shotgun the females (I dunno how to tell from a distance, but, I'm guessing the developers aren't really that picky about male or female) and soon enuf, they'll be off to another already overpopulated area.
Eventually, they'll just be determined a nuisance and eradicated, period.
Hey. What the heck, eh? We didn't need them confounded narwhales, snow lepards or do-dos either. In fact, I heard that despite the help they're getting, most of some swan populations are already done for.

boneman said...

Shoot, I just go off sometimes in defense of helpless critters.