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Thursday, January 26, 2006

To Whom it May Concern (Alternate Title Serpenite Schmerpentine)

To the douchebag at the gym who decided to replace the older, less frightening fluorescent bulbs above the women's vanity with 11 thousand watt ones can kiss my ass. I don't pay $60 a month to stare at every sun spot, freckle and potential wrinkle under lights that could most probably double as high powered grow lamps. You suck.

To the guy who rang up my groceries last night at Kowalski's. The four gold rings that you wear on each consecutive finger will not help get you laid. Infact, they are most probably preventing you from scoring any sort of chick worth scoring, especially the one with the horseshoe on it...and rhinestonesones. You'd have a better chance if you removed them, and buried them deep under ground and then washed your hands for three weeks in order to remove the green ring that has formed under each and every knuckle.
And NO, winking at me and telling me to have a wonderful night will not get you anywhere. Gimme my apples and shut the hell up.

To they guy at the automotive repair shop. I don't know what a serpentine belt is, and frankly I don't fucking care. Trying to explain it to me is just a waste of time and will most probably cause you more headaches in the end. If I were you I would just change my oil, replace the belt and tell me that if you didn't do it my car would spontaneously combust never to return to this earth again. I would probably believe you. So just lie, lie like you've never lied before, and then when I leave, you can make fun of me and how you totally screwed me out of $200 to put on a 75 cent piece of rubber that costs $15 at Napa. Jerk.

That's all.

Jenni

10 comments:

i.marzipan said...

To my dry cleaner: Why does dry-cleaning 4 women's shirts cost $32 when 4 men's shirts would cost $10?

To The Body Shop in City Center: WHY, oh WHY are you closing??!? I don't want to go all the way to Southdale for my Vitamin C cream! Waaaahhhh!

Aliecat said...

OMG, what is with the Serpentine belt upsale!!!! Drives me so nuts! They're always telling me it's at death's door. Meanwhile, I call my dad, who's a mechanic, says that the belt pretty much cracks the second you put it on. So next time they try that with you, whip out that little nugget of truth...or you could just beat him senseless with your transmission.

Momentary Academic said...

Jenni,

These people were put here on earth to annoy you. Therefore, you have every right to kick or slap them at your convenience.

Or I could simply send them bad vibes from D.C.

Sunfish said...

So I'm guessing you're having a good day? You should go see my friend, Tom. He specialized in import cars for years and now works at that place on Lake Street by the Longfellow Grill, wouldn't screw you over...

Paul G said...

You got robbed.

I'd have changed your serpentine belt for 10 bucks.

It would have taken me a week, but hey, 10 bucks!

heather k said...

You know what they say about a man with big rings? I don't either.

Doug said...

At least you said gimme my apples and not let go of my apples.

As always... Rachael said...

You don't like guys who wear enough rings to make a gypsy wince? LOL - yeah, that's pretty high on the smarmy-scale!

Steph said...

Oh God, Jen, kill the lightbulb person first. Seriously, you'd think someone in the Marketing division of the gym would think, "Hey, let's make women leave here looking as beautiful as possible, even if it's from fake lighting, so they think it's all because of US!!" I would pay extra for that.

Sandra said...

I think I've seen that guy at Kowalskis, and there's more wrong than the rings.... didn't he have one of those cocaine pinky fingernails???