Wednesday, February 14, 2007

An Ode to Valentines Day

First of all, this is an actual comment I had written for Citizen of the Month. It was in response to a post on Valentines Day and for some reason I could not post it, so I saved it and was going to post it later. It turns out I never did post it, but came across it and thought the world would be a better place if it was published.”

“The thought of someone hanging themselves with a chain of panty liners is bone-chilling.

All I can picture is walking into the scene of the suicide and seeing a woman hanging in the bathroom stall via Kotex under a flickering fluorescent light in some sterile workplace lavatory. Her last waking moment was that of pure angst after ripping down the "Please do not flush tampons or tampon applicators down the toilet" sign.

If only someone would have sent her the Hallmark Kissing Bears...This all could have been avoided.”

Yeah, I dunno.

Anyway, “Happy Valentines Day!”

I really don’t have much to say about the over-commercialized holiday. I like diamonds, and I like chocolate therefore, I like Valentines Day. It’s really that simple!

And for those of you lame-o’s who like to wear black on December 14th and complain about how you have nobody “special” to spend the day with, why don’t you look in the mirror. Maybe if you weren’t such a winy jerk you’d have someone to send you flowers and buy you nice over-priced trinkets.

Who can legitimately be sad on Valentines Day? You get candy, and even if you didn’t get any candy sent specifically to YOU, you can totally glom onto someone else’s Valentines Day moment.

“You’re not going to eat all of those Belgian truffles from"Joseph Schmidt you got in that lip-shaped box are you?” Of COURSE you aren’t…A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! Gimme one.”

Free truffles people, all by guilting the receiver and throwing her into a little relapse of that eating disorder she had back in the twelfth grade. Who needs candy when you have OTHER PEOPLE’S CANDY?


I plan on spending my V-Day passing out Valentines candy to my clients, spreading Valentines cheer via chocolate wrapped in heart-printed cellophane each lovingly tied with pink and red curling ribbon. I spent two and a half hours last night and drank a half a bottle of wine trying to make it through without eating half the stash. I didn’t even have one piece.


So, I wish you all a Happy Valentines Day, make the most of it, put a smile on your face and enjoy it, damnit. It only comes once a year!


Carl Spackler said...

some people refuse to celebrate such "Hallmark" holidays even if they are in a relationship.

Bud said...

Ah, you know, I give it a wink and behave like I do every other day. That is, every day is Valentines day as far as I'm concerned. But hold the chocolate.

Sandra said...

I love how you tied death-by-Kotex into a Smile, it's Valentines Day post. Bravo.

Momentary Academic said...

Happy Valentine's Day, Jenni! Woohooo!

Sunfish said...

I can't remember what i wore on December 14th, but I'm pretty sure I didn't have truffles that day-damnit! Hope you had a good Love Day!

Grad School Reject said...

I had a great Valentine's day because I was "allowed" to cook dinner for my wife and Mysterygirl! We have a Wednesday night ritual of eating dinner and watching LOST and we refused to let V-Day get in the way. Consequently, this may mean that I have the best wife ever.

mysterygirl! said...

Yeah, I was the luckiest to get to have two valentines this year.

I didn't receive candy from anyone, but I totally bought some for friends and some more for myself. Any reason to buy candy is good with me! Your candy-wrapping operation sounds fabulous.