Tuesday, August 01, 2006

BMW:1 Wild Game: 0

Sunday while driving home from my sister’s lake home I killed what appeared to be a pheasant. No, NOT peasant…PHEASANT, like in BIRD, DUCK, WHATTHEFUCKEVER. I felt really bad and it appears my stint at being the Animal Whisperer is now officially over. I was actually following my niece and her husband, who were driving in front of me and managed to miss the whole flock of pheasants, but have no fear…I took care of that last one, or should I say, the blow from the windshield of my speeding automobile took care of that last one.

Now, for those of you who have been reading my blog, you’re probably asking yourself “BMW?” What the hell happened to The Rollerskate. Don’t panic. I still have The Rollerskate, but just a few short months ago there was a purchase of a used BMW X5 at the Jenni household for more cargo capacity and to also aid in polluting this great planet of ours. Global warming, global schwarming…fill me up with $65 worth of premium and let me do my work.

Oh, I should also mention that about 7 hours prior to the gruesome pheasant massacre I was given a speeding ticket while PASSING A DEPUTY going 75 in a 55 all while trying to show my 70-year-old mother how to use her cell phone.


In my defense he was driving an unmarked navy Trailblazer and going WAY too slow.

Lucky for me he was kind enough to write the ticket down to 65 miles per hour, just 10 miles above the speed limit to not only save me some cash, but also to protect me from something along the lines of reckless driving. Which brings me to this question:

Why do they call it reckless driving when clearly you are capable of wrecking SO MUCH MORE when driving under it's definition?

Reckless is neither "WRECK" nor "LESS." Discuss.

As a matter of fact, I am thinking of taking this to court...can I enter the insanity plea as a defense for my speeding ticket? In all fairness I WAS trapped in a vehicle with my 70-year-old mother and her CELL PHONE ferchrissakes.

Seriously. Let me present "Exhibit A" and let you be the judge.

The actual conversation that occurred moments prior to the citation. I will be played by Reece Witherspoon and my mom by Phyliss Diller.

(Phone rings in backseat)
Mom: What's that noise?
Me: It sounds like your phone.
Mom: Well, how do you know it's not your phone?
Me: Because that's not my ringtone.
Mom: (Pause) What?
Me: Nevermind. It's your phone.
Mom: (Unbuckles seatbelt and reaches back for her purse, rumages through purse and finally takes out cell phone) A-HA! But it stopped ringing. How do I find out who called?
Me: Open it up and the number should still be there.
Mom: (Opens cell phone, covers cell phone with hand and trys to read the numbers from every feasable angle) 555-6778. Does that number ring a bell?
Me: Ah, no.
Mom: Well, I wonder who that could be? Remember the number 555-6778, 555-6778. Can you remember that and tell it back to me when I'm ready to dial? Because there's no way I can remember that.
Me: Sure, but if you just push the talk button twice it should call it back for you.
Mom: What?
Me: Nevermind. 555-6778.
Mom: HOLD ON! How do I get this number off the phone.
Me: Push the "End" button twice and it will clear it off. Just remember, whenever you're in doubt, always push the "End" button twice.
Me: Right, now it's 555-6778.
Mom: SLOW DOWN! 5.5.5.
Me: 6778
Mom: (pauses) It's saying it doesn't recognize the number. Maybe I dialed it wrong.
Me: (Speeds the car up a little more)
Me: (grabs the phone out of her hand and dials the number, hands her back the phone) There, now is it ringing?
Mom: (Screaming into the phone) HELLO? HELLO? DID YOU CALL ME? (pause) THIS IS JOAN...DID YOU CALL ME? (pause) WHO? WHO ARE YOU? (turns to look at me and adresses me) I can't hear them...I can't understand them...They said something about Stan...who is STAN? How do you turn up the volume? (Screaming back into the phone) HELLO? WHO? THIS IS JOAN.
Me: (Speeds up the car and passes blue Chevrolet Trailblazer in an effort to escape from the trainwreck that is happening between my mother and her cell phone.)
Mom, it could be the wrong number...you should just hang up.
Mom: (Pause gives me a blank stare)
Me: (grabbing the phone from her) Seriously. Hang. Up. The. Phone.
(glances into the rearview mirror and sees that the 5-0 is on to me) Shit.

So, what do you think? Insanity plea?


Momentary Academic said...

I don't know about insanity, but you could plead that you were extremely distracted. With that story, you could win your case.

Exhibit B: The Blog.

mysterygirl! said...

Hahahahaha. I'm sorry about the ticket, but I do think you had been driven temporarily insane.

liberalbanana said...

That sucks! I hit a squirrel a few months ago and nearly cried. (Nearly.)

Your conversation sounds like my BF and his 73 year old parents with their computer. He put the same wallpaper on their computer as was on his, and when they came to visit him, they were like "How'd you get our computer here?!?"

flea said...

u could totally get off with an insanity plea, i think you should give it a try

Rob Lowe said...

So, you're the chick with the x5 and the feathers on the grille. Now I get it. I thought it was just flair.

btw, rolled back into ca last weekend to meet some friends at the US open of surf. still keeping my options open.


Barry said...

I dunno, I mean you showed sanity by trying to get AWAY from the situation...

What is with states that can use unmarked vehicles for traffic enforcement?

mcBlogger said...

For an insanity plee, I think YOU have to be insane. however, I think Parental-Hazard is a viable defence. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Bud said...

A judge who wouldn't understand that is a heartless jerk. Probably runs over entire flocks of game birds too.

LZ Blogger said...

The insanity plea works for me! (If you think you have the power to destroy the planet with a BMW)... then the judge will certainly know that...you ARE committable! ~ jb///

As always... Rachael said...

reese witherspoon and phyllis diller!! That was wonderful!

If this defense doesn't work, have your mom call the judge to vouch for you... make sure she calls from her cell phone!

Anonymous said...


I totally sympathize with you and I think you should make your mom pay the fine. Just kidding. You know how well my mom and I get along... She has needed a hearing aid for the last 15 years, but refuses too for vanity reasons, but saying "What" like Liz Taylor on Larry King, like 17 times an hour is soo attractive. My blood pressure is most definately as high as it can go when I leave her house. Yes, I sympathize, I am sure Josh had a good laugh when you told him the story. Try it with your insurance company. Anna.

Heather B said...

That is priceless!

My own mother called me from work one day to bitch me out for not calling her on her cell all day ... when I told her I had, she fished out her "phone" only to realize she had taken the remote, not the phone that morning.

Sandra said...

Oh man, your mom is cracking me up. Can I get her phone number? heh.

Anonymous said...

Not to boast, but I talked my way out of a 90 mph with my car reeking of whiskey last Sunday afternoon. Passed 3 field sobriety tests (would not have passed breathalizer) with nothing but a "Slow down". I'm trying not to jinx it, but that was awesome. I chalk it up to good karma.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I think your insanity plea holds water given the circumstances. Explaining technology to old people is enough to make anyone go temporarily, bat-shit crazy.

Thomas said...

Why hello from Seattle. And technically my second home in Houston.

The Chic Chauffeur said...

LOL with the insanity thing. The judge did not buy it when I told him that I thought the unmarked police car attempting to pull me over was a carjacker or some kind of stalker, which was why I didn't stop for 20 miles or so. Going 80 on my way home from Wichita. . . . Everyone goes 80 to get away from wichita. I got the ticket anyway.