Friday, March 04, 2005

Martha, Free as A Chimpanzee?

Hardened inmate, Martha Stewart has been sprung from the clink just in time for her to demonstrate to all of us domestic-happy women how to make realistic grass out of coconut in order to decorate a fashionable Easter dinner table.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but for the past six or so odd months the media has been stirring with the inability dig up any juicy information on Martha. There were no hair-grabbing brawls to report, or un-lady-like tantrums over the prison food. The inmates have just referred to her as a nice person who they have grown to actually like. Actually like? Could it be so? Mean, temper tantrum, assistant abusing, Martha… nice?
So in order to prove everyone wrong I was drawn to the live video feed on CNN.com showing her release. First of all I should have had a clue when her footage was directly under one that headlined “Chimpanzees Viscously Attack Man”. Upon seeing this I contemplated which one to view first and decided that Martha would probably be more dramatic. I was wrong. The video showed nothing but her leaving the prison and pulling into her driveway, and then shots of her in her kitchen, where I assume she whipped up a batch of marzipans and hot cocoa to spend her evening by the fire knitting sweaters for her new found friends at “Camp Cupcake.”
However, I fear this is just the beginning for poor Martha as she will be held hostage at her estate for another 5 months of "in house arrest", leaving only for 48 hours a week on work release. We will most probably be bombarded by shots of her in her garden, or walking her dogs which leaves us with nothing more than the thought of our own dreams of in house arrest on a 153 acre estate, life is tough for the domestic diva.
So Martha is back and we can all rest easy that from now on we will continue to be entertained and educated on the important things in life like how to prepare, decorate, cook, bake, and still be the life of the party, “It’s a good thing.”

1 comment:

i.marzipan said...

Last night on CNN, there was a big "breaking news" bulletin and a still shot of an airstrip, when a journalist jumped in and explained excitedly, in a hush tone, "we're just waiting... Martha's plane will be taking off any minute" in an overdramatic golf-announcer voice. It was AWESOME.