Disappearing Act

I’ve been really good at that lately…Disappearing that is. I’ve been disappearing into my work, the gym, and the company of my friends. Honestly, I’ve been busy…But not that busy.

Speaking of disappearing, I have a mouse in my house that I wish would disappear. He’s taken up residence somewhere in my kitchen. My original thought was to purchase a humane trap and lure him in there where I would then release him into the wild so he could live the rest of his cute-little life in the wilderness somewhere down by the Mississippi River (preferably in a van, but probably not)

The problem is, it’s been at least two weeks and nothing. I even gave him organic peanut butter to feast upon and he STILL doesn’t want anything to do with it. I’m starting to think that prior to moving in, he was feasting over at my neighbors garbage which is filled with Cheeto’s, Frito’s, Dorito’s and every other kind of O’s so when I present him with food that is not only TASTY, but GOOD for his tiny four-legged body, he just turns up his nose in search of something processed and nasty.

I believe I am living with a mouse that has somehow assimilated himself to the American diet. It’s like in New York City where they have to bribe their rodents with canoli’s and corned beef…I must do the same and purchase something similar…something processed…something that contains enough trans-fat to lure this little son of satan into the trap.

However, I have run out of time. Unfortunately, Josh brought out the big guns and purchased two deadly traps that are sure to decapitate the little SOB in a matter of seconds. Which is why I refuse to look under the sink until I receive the “all clear.” The LAST thing I want to see is a furry little critter with his neck broken next to my dishwasher soap and sponges. It’s more or less the fact that the little guy won’t even know what hit him…Which is why I had to have a conversation with the cat.

“Squid Squat, I don’t ask for much. I feed you organic cat food, give you a nice warm place to sleep, I even don’t get angry when you throw up on my clean clothes, but it’s time you earned your keep…”

I continued on lecturing her on what it means to be a cat, her responsibilities and such, but all that landed me was the signal to pet her, some cat drool on my hand, and then I was dismissed as she went back to sleep.

Ingrate.

The dog isn’t much help. She hears the thing scurry across the floor, takes after it like a bat out of hell barking and carrying on, and scares it back into it’s seclusion for another 24 hours or so.

I’m ready to give up. I mean, I want to catch it before it dies because then all I’ll have left is the smell of decaying animal carcass which will only lead me on the inevitable hunt for something I absolutely don’t want to see….EEW….Not fun.

Any suggestions?