Haiku Tuesday! Holiday Edition

It's that time of year
Dressing your animal weird
Here I come, dog hell.

Poor, poor, Lola...is SUCH a good girl for all my twisted doggie costumes.

Who else Haiku's? Go here.

Could it be?

Check out the death trap that has formed along the roof line on my house, which just happens to be right outside my back door. Could this be the preamble to "Jenni's Brush With Death Part V?"

I guess you'll just have to stay tuned to find out...

A shout out to my peeps...

Thank you Mother Nature for dumping 8-10 inches of snow on us over the last couple of days.

Thank you City of Minneapolis for not plowing my street until 11:30 last night making it almost impossible for the rollerskate to exit onto 34th Ave.

Thank you Volkswagen for making the 2000 Cabrio a force to be reckoned with.

Thank you lady in the grey Volvo turbo station wagon who almost caused a multi car pile up on 35w southbound. You're inability to multitask while talking on your cell phone, and operating a moving vehicle with complete disregard for the safety of others left me no choice but to reprimand you with my finger and horn. Bitch.

Thank you Baffin for making your boots. Although completely non-fashionable, they keep my feet dry, and toasty, while I trudge through the snow to visit my clients.

Thank you Metabolife Ultra, for making an ephedra free caplet which allows me to get my caffeine fix without the heroin-like withdrawals.

And Finally...Thank You guy at the gym who in last nights class thought you were the Step Aerobics God, and then fell off your step crashing loudly to the floor causing a HUGE scene and then got up and left the studio out of what must have been sheer embarrassment. That was sweet.

Things I've Learned...Holiday Edition.

This morning while I was in the locker room at the gym something dawned on me. As I gazed at the plethora of Lancome product that covered the counter space of my mirror buddy I thought to myself "Man, what we women do to make ourselves beautiful." Which was funny, since right after I thought that the woman looked at me and asked, "Do you ever look at everything you put on each and every morning and wonder if you really need all this stuff?" I laughed and agreed. She was right, and so was I. Here are some other things I learned this week...



1). Some things should be left acronymless. Like the "Planned Unit Development" committee of Oak Park Heights. (See above).

2) Instant: instantaneous: occurring with no delay; "relief was instantaneous"; "instant gratification"
"Valvoline Instant Oil Change" is by no means instant. But then again, "Valvoline Relatively Speedy Oil Change" just sounds weird.

3). Just because it was 1 degree yesterday, and it's 20 degrees today does not make it warmer, possibly more tolerable, but definitely not warmer. The word warm should be reserved for temperatures above 70 degrees.

4). The VW Cabrio can go from 0 to 60 in just under 15 seconds, which seems like 25 minutes when racing a 740i.

5). Just because one may own spandex does NOT mean they should wear it. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.

6). Sitting in the sauna for 5 minutes in a wool coat will most definitely help your extremities thaw...quickly.

Haiku Tuesday! Already?

Holy Shit! It's here?
Haiku Tuesday has arrived.
This is all you get.



Who else Haiku's? Go here.

The Great Liquid Liner Debocle

I don't know what got into me. It's not like it looks like it could be that hard, liquid eyeliner, that is. I decided to trade in my traditional Clinique crayon eyeliner for this newfangled, retro, liquid eyeliner, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it was it's appeal and promise of a look much like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, or the ease and grace at which the cosmetic lady applied it to my lid, but when I went to put it on this morning the results were more like Courtney Love twelve cocktails deep at the VMA's.
Whatever, I guess I'll just have to practice and hope that things turn out better next time. Wish me luck.

Haiku Tuesday! Ode to Cornholio

Gimme some coffee
My name is Cornholio
It's for my bunghole

I know, I know, a sad, sad day in the history of Haiku's. Sorry.

Who else Haiku's? Go Here

Gettin Jiggy Wit It...

This morning was a Monday morning from hell. Not only is it raining, and cloudy, and crappy, I also started it off on the wrong foot all together. Now, some of you may be wondering, "Jen, why in the hell did you post a picture of two of the three plastic lawn ornament wisemen getting it on in the front yard of someone's home?" I'll get to that in a minute. But, first let's start off with my morning...

I woke up for my Monday morning 5:45AM Step/Sculpt class and it was business as usual. I had to move Josh's car in order to get my car out of the driveway, and after slamming his door at least six times to try and shut it (the latch is broken) I just decided to screw it, get into my car and leave. As I'm backing out of the driveway, into the street, The Rollerskate stops. Just stops. I tried to start it...nothing...tried to start it again...nothing. So, I walked into the house to recruit Josh (who is sleeping) to help me move my car out from the middle of the street. He then proceeds to bitch me out for slamming his door 6 times when all I have to do is...yadda, yadda, yadda...Did I ever tell you nothing gets past this man? He's sleeping ferchrissakes and he can STILL hear me beat the shit out of this car door!

Anyway, we move it from the middle of the street and it is now parked on the side of the street, left for me to deal with. Which brings me to the above picture. I had to drop Josh off at the train this morning so I could take his car and while I was driving home I saw what appeared to me as a mound of plastic lawn ornament wisemen. After looking closer I realized that that's no "mound" of plastic lawn ornament wisemen, that's two plastic lawn ornament wisemen in a compromising position on some dude's front yard! Fortunately, I had my camera phone with me to take a picture and share it with you, because how could I not!

And not only is this a manger scene...but it's a politically correct manger scene. I don't know if you can tell, but the dude on the bottom is a brotha...Hmmmm...a little jungle love going on at "50th and Bethlehem."

Let's all just be thankful that this nice Holiday Spirited citizen didn't put Santa in his sleigh up on the roof of the manger scene...because that would be just plain kinky.

Haiku Tuesday! *Gobble Gobble

Turkey Day is near
Mashed potato filled bliss dawns
Elastic waist pants


Who else Haiku's? Go Here!

The Pizza of the Future

He's not your average pizza delivery guy. Dressed in what appears to be a helment found in the basement of your moms house, and an outfit that would cause even the most distinct trend setter to contract a bad case of whiplash, he's there...in a flash to your doorstep with just one push of the speed dial button on your telephone.

Last Sunday Josh came home with a craving for a pizza, so he ordered it from this place That's right...Galactic Pizza. And the answer is "Yes!" Weather permitting* they really do dress like the guy in the above photo and drive your pizza to your house in their little electric cars.

And the best part about it, besides their environmentally conscious vehicles is this:

~All of the power purchased to run our restaurant is renewable wind energy.
~All of our mozzarella cheese comes from cows not treated with rBGH growth hormones.
~We have incorporated a number of organic items into the menu.
~We have the Second Harvest Heartland pizza, where $1 is donated to this hunger relief organization every time the pizza is ordered.
~We strive to use packaging that is either made from recycled materials, or is 100% biodegradable.
~We incorporate hemp products into each menu category, and print our menu on hemp paper. Hemp is not only good for you, it is also very good for the Earth.
~In season, we try to purchase all of our produce from farms here in Minnesota or in nearby Wisconsin.
~We have an in depth waste reduction program utilizing pig farms for food waste and recycling whenever possible.
~5% of our after tax profits are donated to charity.

So it's like "Pizza with a Purpose!" How awesome is that? So next time you're in Minneapolis around Lake Street and Lyndale Ave go to Galactic Pizza and do something good for yourself and the planet!

*I am assuming weather permitting means no snow or severe weather...much like the 16 degree day we are having today...yuck!

Haiku Tuesday!

Snow is on its way
Covering familiar
Winter surrounds me


OK, well the snow hasn't actually made it to Minneapolis yet, but it's on it's way! And I'm kind of excited about that. Snow that is. But just wait until January 2nd...and then see how excited I am about snow. I'll take it for the Holiday's and then it can all just go away.

(The above picture was taken at Minnehaha Creek which is right by my house in Minneapolis...I got it from this site that has a pretty awesome phototour of the Minneapolis area.)

Is it just me or....

Do you ever take pictures of yourself after you have gotten ready to see how you really look? You don't? Well, anyway, I sometimes do and I was taking my picture and look what happened...my camera went funky and created this weird sort of Jenni collage. Was my camera trying to tell me something? I didn't break it, becuase every picture I've taken since has been fine. Weird.

Jenni's Pet Retreat and Dog Spa...Day 4.

I'm waiting for FEMA to call me back and for Bush to deem my living room a disaster area. Notice the blankets on the couch, dog toys strewn about in what used to be my living room...it's simply terrifying. And every once in a while, when I look out of my office door into the catastrophe I see Lola scooting across the floor with Gretske right behind, trying to hump her...poor Lola.

Laddie has chosen to sit most of this morning outside away from the eye of the storm. Smart dog.

Haiku Tuesady #2

The Dog Sitter

Peace and quiet left

With the last owner's door slam

My sanity gone.



What you don't see in this picture is Laddie. So, two sat dogs, plus my Lola (look how cute she is looking at the camera...what a ham)=one stressed out dog sitter. But it's worth every moment, to realize that I DO NOT need to adopt another dog, I can just sit them!

CAPTION CONTEST!

"So, I was driving to work the other day, and this dick in a truck pulled out infront of me..."

"Little did Bob know that his backseat driver would be such a huge dick."

Haiku Tuesday! *New!

It's Haiku Tuesday everone! Thanks to Libby we have something to look forward to every Tuesday...in the Haiku form! This weeks Haiku was actually written by Josh a couple of years ago in honor or Halloween, so I thought we'd start with that.

It's entitled: Halloween Haiku: By Josh.



October morning
A fresh breath of air to breathe
Candy is near me.


And for those of you who didn't come to our door last night for treats, this is what you missed...Josh in Damian's Stewy head handing out candy. It was quite a hit with the adults.

Happy Halloween!

Just a quick little note from Lola to wish everyone in blogland a Happy and Safe Halloween!



What choo lookin at...Willis.

Which is More Scary?

(Que cheesy game show music)

And now the first (and quite possibly the last) edition of "Which is More Scary" brought to you by your friends at "Swank or Skank!"

Is it A:

The festering bucket of food that was recently found in the very back of Jenni's fridge...

Or is it B:

Damian parading around the house in his new scary Burger King man mask?

Jenni: I'd have to go with A, Bob, because honestly, I have NO CLUE what is in that container and have absolutely NO RECOLLECTION of putting it in the fridge.

Jenni's Brush With Death; Part IV Unplugged

They always seem to happen so fast, my brushes with death. Until last night, as I tripped over one of Lola’s toys and I found myself falling endlessly into my target, right arm protecting my face as it broke my fall against the glass part of the door, all in slow-motion. It wasn’t until I actually hit the glass that time caught up with me and I was there, in the relative present surrounded by glass and bleeding from my hand.

“Holy Shit!” I said aloud as I assessed the damages, and as Lola scampered to the safety of the living room. “You have GOT to be kidding me!” I said with a crazed sense of being, after all, my “Brush With Death Part III” was only yesterday, and “Part II” was only a couple months ago.

So I did what any sane person at the time, surrounded by glass wouldn’t do…I stepped over the glass, grabbed Lola and took her for a walk. It was there, in the outdoors I could gain back my sanity, assess the damages, and devise a plan to repair the broken door. After, of course I call Danika to tell her of my “Brush with Death.” Because what are friends for, if not to help gather your sanity and put things into perspective when you need perspective the most? Oh, yeah, and offer to buy you a sweet padded room and padded suit when they win the lottery!

P.S. If you can't tell, there is a huge hole in the window in the picture above. Thankfully, Josh was able to replace the glass when he got home because that's what guys do....they fix shit when I break it.

Jenni's Brush With Death Part III

So here we are again, and yet another episode of Jenni's brush with death. Which also doubles as "Jenni and Josh's Cluster Fuck 2005."

I was driving home from the gym tonight minding my own business, eating my apple when BOOM I blew a tire. I immediately pulled to the right side of the clover leaf where I was exiting one freeway and entering another and while swearing like a truck driver tried calling Josh to come to my rescue. Little did I know Josh had locked himself out of the house as he was in a panic to get a gas can to fill up his car as he, himself had run out of gas. That's right...RUN OUT OF GAS. So there I am, stranded on the side of a clover leaf in the middle of freeway land, and there Josh is stranded on the front steps of the house. No car, no keys, and shit out of luck.

Fortunately he had his cell phone and I was able to reach him. We had to come up with a plan, and fast...so what did we do? We called in our reinforcement, Damian who was (not surprisingly) at the bar a couple cocktails deep. So he slams his drink and is on his way to pick up Josh who has to go to his car (which is currently opperating with a spare) to get the wheel key to my car to be able to put on the spare. (Whew!)

And what do I do while waiting, alone in the dark? Why I take "Blair Witch" inspired photos of myself and send them to Danika...that's what I do!

Look at the fear in my eyes! Terrified, waiting for someone to pull over to the side of the road any moment and take me away into the night...haunting isn't it?

But, my fun was soon cut short as the rescue wagon arrived to change my tire. I walked over to Damians car and was immediately knocked to my feet with the smell of booze, apparantly his "Happy Hour" was still going on...at least the fumes were. So, Josh (a.k.a. My Night In Shining Armour) got out and changed my tire.

Notice how brave, and skillful he is at putting on a spare. So I let him and Damian do the dirty work and I went back to Damians car where Lola was waiting to take more Blair Witch Inspired Photography.

Of which I wanted to show you, but I apparantly cannot download anymore photos. Anyway, Danika, I think you have the one of Lola where it looks like she has no eyes...so if you want you can post it...simply terrifying.

So Josh gets in my car and I drive Damians and we almost make it home when my spare blew. That's right, "Tires 2, People 0." We had to then go back to Josh's car and take the tire he took off his car, which was in bad shape, but OK shape and put it on my car.

So all in all, it turned out to be a cluster of an evening and a preamble as to where I will spend the majority of my day tomorrow...yup, Tires Plus. Gotta love the automobile.