Happy Halloween!

Just a quick little note from Lola to wish everyone in blogland a Happy and Safe Halloween!



What choo lookin at...Willis.

Which is More Scary?

(Que cheesy game show music)

And now the first (and quite possibly the last) edition of "Which is More Scary" brought to you by your friends at "Swank or Skank!"

Is it A:

The festering bucket of food that was recently found in the very back of Jenni's fridge...

Or is it B:

Damian parading around the house in his new scary Burger King man mask?

Jenni: I'd have to go with A, Bob, because honestly, I have NO CLUE what is in that container and have absolutely NO RECOLLECTION of putting it in the fridge.

Jenni's Brush With Death; Part IV Unplugged

They always seem to happen so fast, my brushes with death. Until last night, as I tripped over one of Lola’s toys and I found myself falling endlessly into my target, right arm protecting my face as it broke my fall against the glass part of the door, all in slow-motion. It wasn’t until I actually hit the glass that time caught up with me and I was there, in the relative present surrounded by glass and bleeding from my hand.

“Holy Shit!” I said aloud as I assessed the damages, and as Lola scampered to the safety of the living room. “You have GOT to be kidding me!” I said with a crazed sense of being, after all, my “Brush With Death Part III” was only yesterday, and “Part II” was only a couple months ago.

So I did what any sane person at the time, surrounded by glass wouldn’t do…I stepped over the glass, grabbed Lola and took her for a walk. It was there, in the outdoors I could gain back my sanity, assess the damages, and devise a plan to repair the broken door. After, of course I call Danika to tell her of my “Brush with Death.” Because what are friends for, if not to help gather your sanity and put things into perspective when you need perspective the most? Oh, yeah, and offer to buy you a sweet padded room and padded suit when they win the lottery!

P.S. If you can't tell, there is a huge hole in the window in the picture above. Thankfully, Josh was able to replace the glass when he got home because that's what guys do....they fix shit when I break it.

Jenni's Brush With Death Part III

So here we are again, and yet another episode of Jenni's brush with death. Which also doubles as "Jenni and Josh's Cluster Fuck 2005."

I was driving home from the gym tonight minding my own business, eating my apple when BOOM I blew a tire. I immediately pulled to the right side of the clover leaf where I was exiting one freeway and entering another and while swearing like a truck driver tried calling Josh to come to my rescue. Little did I know Josh had locked himself out of the house as he was in a panic to get a gas can to fill up his car as he, himself had run out of gas. That's right...RUN OUT OF GAS. So there I am, stranded on the side of a clover leaf in the middle of freeway land, and there Josh is stranded on the front steps of the house. No car, no keys, and shit out of luck.

Fortunately he had his cell phone and I was able to reach him. We had to come up with a plan, and fast...so what did we do? We called in our reinforcement, Damian who was (not surprisingly) at the bar a couple cocktails deep. So he slams his drink and is on his way to pick up Josh who has to go to his car (which is currently opperating with a spare) to get the wheel key to my car to be able to put on the spare. (Whew!)

And what do I do while waiting, alone in the dark? Why I take "Blair Witch" inspired photos of myself and send them to Danika...that's what I do!

Look at the fear in my eyes! Terrified, waiting for someone to pull over to the side of the road any moment and take me away into the night...haunting isn't it?

But, my fun was soon cut short as the rescue wagon arrived to change my tire. I walked over to Damians car and was immediately knocked to my feet with the smell of booze, apparantly his "Happy Hour" was still going on...at least the fumes were. So, Josh (a.k.a. My Night In Shining Armour) got out and changed my tire.

Notice how brave, and skillful he is at putting on a spare. So I let him and Damian do the dirty work and I went back to Damians car where Lola was waiting to take more Blair Witch Inspired Photography.

Of which I wanted to show you, but I apparantly cannot download anymore photos. Anyway, Danika, I think you have the one of Lola where it looks like she has no eyes...so if you want you can post it...simply terrifying.

So Josh gets in my car and I drive Damians and we almost make it home when my spare blew. That's right, "Tires 2, People 0." We had to then go back to Josh's car and take the tire he took off his car, which was in bad shape, but OK shape and put it on my car.

So all in all, it turned out to be a cluster of an evening and a preamble as to where I will spend the majority of my day tomorrow...yup, Tires Plus. Gotta love the automobile.

You otha brothas can't deny...

While driving down 35w the other day I was cut off by a SUV bearing the window sticker www.iwantbigrims.com (see above) That’s right…I want big rims .com. Which brought me to thinking, are rims important enough to want in a way you have to stick a sticker in the back of your car to advertise for? Seriously?
How about iwantamilliondollarsandaplaceonthebeach.com? Or, gimme5extravacationdaysandafreetriptofiji.com?
And what about those spinners? I tell you what; if I’m going to pay five thousand dollars for rims that spin when my car is standing still I want to be able to see those fuckers spin! What good are they when you can’t even see them? I’m not paying thousands of dollars so other people get the chance to see my sweet shiny rims spin. Screw that!
The best is when you see those people deck their 92 Saturn out in sweet after market stuff. It’s like putting a hundred-dollar saddle on a five-dollar horse, it just makes no sense. And those are the kind of people you see that owe tens of thousands of dollars in back child support, driving around in their 1994 Ford Escort with chrome rims and some lame ass spoiler glued to the back of their ghetto cruiser.
Am I missing something here?

Fun with Google.

I was over visiting Alie's site when I came across this little google experiment that will be sure give you a quick laugh.

Do this:

Go to Google.

Type in "(your name) needs." (Remember to use quotes)

And look at all the things that Google says you need!

Here are the top 6 thing that Google says I need;

1).Jennifer needs a cold shower. This is surprisingly true.

2).Jennifer needs a tutor who can help a client with their Probability Exam in the Somerville area. Yeah, the probability that I would ever even take a Probability Exam is slim to none, but thanks anyway.

3).Jennifer needs to better understand Trump's business and how she can contribute. Trump needs to understand his hair and how he can remedy that sad piece of dead animal carcass on the top of his rich ass head.

4).Jennifer needs to know your new address to re-subscribe you to WAGSnet with your new email address. Jennifer has no clue what WAGSnet is and would most probably make fun of it if she knew what it was.

5).Jennifer needs to say away from HOPE, Hope must have caught what Bo has, because she believes the zombie eyed loser over Jack. It's sad that I know exactly what this means, which directly correlates with "Jennifer needs to stop being pathetic and quit keeping up on her Days of Our Lives gossip." Truly sad.

6).Jennifer needs help. We know that. You know what? That I need HELP? You don't know jack shit, and even if you did you're a frickin search engine, search engines don't KNOW people....(stop incredulously fanatical rant and look around the room...realize silently to myself that maybe Google was right all along.)

What do You need?

I really don't know how to take this...

I am 19% White Trash.

I, my friend, have class. I am so not white trash. . I am more than likely Democrat, and my place is neat, and there is a good chance I may never drink wine from a box.

Take the
White Trash Test
@ FualiDotCom

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I mean 19% is like almost a quarter, and with a quarter percent of white trash in me I could most probably be eligible for some sort of assistance. I'm blaming this on the fact that I add with my fingers and I have a tatoo, those questions had to have weighed the bulk of my diagnostical train wreck.

Swank Crime Fighting Part II

It was a night like any other. Joshua, Damian, Erica and I were sitting out on the back deck, enjoying a nice Friday evening with cocktails and stories. There was a stillness about the night, a stillness that would soon be interrupted with one simple phrase…“I’m going to fucking kill you!” That’s how it started at least, the phrase “I’m going to fucking kill you” soon escalated into more threats of annihilation and bodily harm.

To keep things real, after one has a couple cocktails you’re not just going to hole up into your house and call the Five-0 via 911, ahem, like I did. No, no…if you’re Joshua, Damian, and Erica, you’re going to find out what’s going on. So that’s what they did. While I was in the house on the phone they walked down the block to make sure everything was O.K. Which incidentally, everything was NOT O.K.

Approaching the end of the block they happened upon two women and three men. Two of the men were fighting, and one was clearly winning sitting on top of the other man beating the crap out of him. Josh saw this and took the liberty of taking the mans shirt by the bottom and pulling it over his head in an effort to break up the fight which surprisingly worked. This is when I walked out into the street to see Josh in the middle of it all, so heroic, so brave, so… lucky that they didn’t kick his ass as well. I was able to hear him direct them to go down the block to the Mobile station and stay there as the other dude headed to his rented house on the corner. As he was walking to the front door he decided to spit at the woman who was standing near him, and throw bricks at her…that’s right throw bricks at her. Only his attempts were in vain as he obviously couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn. More choice words were exchanged and that’s when she said the six words that sent all of us home: "He - Has - Guns - In - His - House"…(crickets chirping, crickets chirping, crickets chirping) OK! Hope you work this out, cops should be here shortly, see ya bye.

And that’s all it took to send these Swank Crime Fighters back to the security of their deck and cocktails, another night, another murder attempt thwarted…it’s all in a days work.

(You know what word should be used more often? “Thwarted.” That’s right, “Thwarted.” Use it in a sentence five times today. Do it. You know you want to.)

Listen Here F@*!ers!

"Would you like some vaseline with that pension?"

Dear Doug Steenland, President and CEO of Northwest Airlines
A.K.A Dickhead

I understand that your company had to file for Bankruptcy, and that’s too bad. Do you also want to know what’s too bad? The way you have taken this out on your pilots, mechanics and staff as you sit back and collect your hefty bonuses as the rest of your staff looses important things like their jobs and pensions.
My father-in-law has worked as a Captain of your airline for countless years and is now loosing 75% of his pension, something that he has worked his entire career for and now it’s gone. You know, the $3.8 billion dollars you promised to pay to your employees and are now neglecting to pay? Nice job. Oh, yeah and don’t forget about that annual 25% pay-cut your pilots, mechanics, and flight crew incurred as they stood by you, flew your airplanes, and made what money your business had, all to get slapped in the face in the end.
But hey! At least you still have your excess pension plan that will cover your ass along with three other of your corporate cronies. That million dollars a year should come in handy when you retire at 65! Only 11 years to go Dougie!

Dickhead.

Sincerely,
Jenni from Minneapolis

Jenni's Liver Saving Wager Part II

UPDATE

Last night I spent the evening with Josh, Danika, her mom, and her Uncle Daniel who is visiting from Germany. We went to the Bryant Lake Bowl which was recently visited by our very own Josh Hartnett and his gal pal Scarlett Johansson...and guess what? Not. One. Drink. That's right folks, Libby, Blackjack, be prepared to fork over that dollar, so when I make it through the weekend not only will I have a sparkly clean liver, but I will be $2 richer.

Game on.

By the way, if you notice the blog pole to your right, the votes are neck and neck...if you haven't voted already vote now!! Do it...really...now.

Jenni's Liver Saving Wager...Vote on the poll to your right!

So, I’m giving my liver a two-week vacation. And, no you didn’t read that wrong, I ‘m giving my liver a two-week vacation, which means no booze, no caffeine, no preservatives, no nothing. No bread (which I can’t have anyway due to a wheat allergy), no starches, no sugar. I’ve been on this diet called “The Fat Flush” plan since Monday and I think I’ve already dropped like 10 lbs…seriously. The whole premise behind this diet is to cleanse you liver which is the most important fat burning organ in your body. I eat fruits, vegetables, and 8 oz of lean meat daily, which usually includes fish and organic free-range chicken. I feel great and can really feel a difference. But there’s one problem….

I’m hosting a bachelorette party at my house tomorrow. That’s right, there will be temptation in the booze form and I will do my damdest to stay on the right track. All week I have been preparing for this weekend, giving myself pep talks, gathering my soda water and limes to drink to make it seem as though I’m drinking. And I really want to do this, not only for myself, but also for my liver that has been totally abused for way too long. And in order to keep me motivated I want someone to bet me…bet me that I can’t stay off the sauce and that I will have a drink. Come on…do it! I NEVER loose a bet and all I need is one person to put out a bet…lay it on the table and let it ride. And then you all can place wagers on my will power. Oh, and vote on the poll to your right. Do it now…do it.

Meet Barb.

Just to clarify before I begin, I am a horrible, horrible, person. You see, while walking to Pepitos on Saturday night I passed this photography store where amongst other pictures was the following. I couldn’t resist…I had to take a picture and write about this woman and what I believe is her life as I know it. So save your judgments, or cry’s of intentional social malice I am about to bestow on this poor woman, because it wasn’t me who decided to hang her picture in the window of an extremely visable photography studio, OH NO!


Meet Barb. Barb is a single woman in her mid 30’s who loves her cockatiel Petie more than anything. Ever.

Barb lives in a one bedroom apartment on the frontage road of 494 in Richfield MN, which is conveniently located near the Hallmark store just a few miles away in Bloomington where she is the assistant manager. She drives a Ford aspire that she bought new in 1994. It’s pink.

Her favorite shirt is her grey turtleneck mostly because it covers up the unsightly mole that has surfaced on the right side of her neck. She wears it with her black slacks, trouser socks and SAS shoes.

Barb spends the majority of her free time with Petie teaching him how to whistle the theme song to The Walton’s of which her aunt bought her the entire VHS set for Christmas. It was on her list. She collects “Precious Moments” figurines of which she proudly claims to have the largest collection in the tri state area. Every other month you will find Barb at the local Cost Cutters getting a perm and an upper lip wax, only because they throw it in for free.

Barb is a penny pincher and spends her Sundays clipping coupons from the paper. She’s saving up to buy a double bed to replace her current twin, which is too small for her ginormous teddy bear collection.

She’s never been married and has recently began dating Rodney who is the night manager at the Subway next door, only because he gives her extra stamps.

She hopes one day to be promoted to store manager where she will then create an entire section of cockatiel greeting cards. In the meantime she is happy to stock other cards with puppies and kitties on them, knowing that her moment to shine is right around the corner.

101 Things you may not know

I was thinking about how I work with so many different people on a daily basis and how none of them really knows me, you know? And not like they have to know me, but I thought it's interesting how we go through life with people without really knowing them. So, I decided to challenge myself and create a list, a list of things the average person I speak with on a daily basis may not know about me...so here goes.


1). I wish on stars
2). I daydream…often.
3). I’m a grocery store snob, and would rather shop at a Co-op.
4). I buy organic and insist on buying locally.
5). My favorite fruit is mango.
6). Sometimes I drink too much.
7). I believe my father is the best person. Ever.
8). I have 4 nieces, 4 nephews, and one great nephew.
9). I was a mistake, but my parents insist I was a pleasant surprise, my siblings say “after thought.”
10). I believe anyone who maliciously harms an animal should be drug out into the street and shot. Seriously.
11). No matter how thin I am I think I’m fat.
12). I taught my dad how to read after his second stroke.
13). I am proud of myself and where I am in my life.
14). My mom thinks I am psychic and can speak to those who have passed through my dreams. I hate to believe her, but I think she’s right.
15). I prefer old homes rather than new homes.
16). I don’t know if I want to have children
17). I’m not money motivated, yet I am in sales…this is an oxymoron.
18). I enjoy making people laugh.
19). I make it a point to make people smile.
20). I am extra nice to clerks and people in the service industry, even when I’m having a bad day.
21). I look people in the eye when I say “Thank You.”
22). People don’t intimidate me.
23). When there’s a bug or insect in the house I don’t kill it, I trap it and let it go outside.
24). I wish I went to church more often.
25). I don’t have any grandparents left.
26). My grandma’s been gone almost two years and I still cry sometimes because I really miss her.
27). I always check under my bed and in my closet before I go to sleep.
28). I lost a friend and one friend paralyzed; both by guns.
29). I hate guns.
30). I once rescued an injured duck from the side of the road and took it to a rehabilitation center.
31). I did the same for a baby bird.
32). When I was little I didn’t want to be a teacher, a nurse, or a mommy…I wanted to be a stockbroker.
33). Sometimes I don’t want to wake up when I’m dreaming.
34). I am extremely stubborn.
35). I truly believe I have the cutest dog in the world.
36). I still love Poison.
37). Sushi…Mmmmmm…
38). I told everyone in college that I majored in Journalism because I wanted to be an MTV V.J.
39). I didn’t really want to be a V.J.
40). My eyes fill with tears when I hear the National Anthem.
41). I don’t give a rats ass what Paris Hilton wore to the VMA’s.
42). I voted for George Bush for his first term.
43). I regretted that and voted for Kerry.
44). I started a food fight in fifth grade, and didn’t get caught.
45). I once ripped the streamers out of my neighbor’s big wheel because I wanted one too.
46). I used to send my friends home when Sesame Street came on.
47). I enjoy solitude.
48). My imaginary friends as a young child were the Hager Brothers from “Hee Haw.”
49). I have a fear of flying, but not a fear of heights.
50). I can play the piano by ear.
51). I strongly believe life is what you make it no matter what your situation.
52). I am more apt to please others over myself.
53). I want to break that habit.
54). I like to argue, and always make a point when I do.
55). I once argued my way into to-go cups for a pitcher of beer and won.
56). I’m a fish out of water, I love to swim.
57). I am a textbook Pisces.
58). I not so secretly love Chevy Chase.
59). I know every line in National Lampoons Vacation by heart.
60). I sing the Wally World National Anthem whenever I embark on a road trip.
61). Every time I walk on a sidewalk I still avoid the cracks for fear of hurting my moms back.
62). I am superstitious
63). I love thunderstorms at night.
64). I eat a gluten free diet because I am allergic to flour.
65). I used to be a Vegetarian until I discovered free- range organic chicken.
66). I believe supporting farmers who do things right is a good thing.
67). I still don’t eat beef, or pork, or beork…, which would be Spam.
68). Every time I see a cattle truck off to slaughter my eyes well up with tears, especially if I see the cows eyes.
69). I can’t say the word “balls” without smiling.
70). I am often told I have an infectious laugh.
71). I can’t stand arrogant, self-centered people.
72). I like to garden and plant flowers.
73). I have a green thumb and I sometimes talk to my houseplants.
74). I also talk to my dog, and believe she understands every word.
75). I want to go back to school for my Masters, most probably in Journalism.
76). I want to be the next Katie Couric, only better.
77). I’m dependent on my cell phone.
78). I have an addictive personality.
79). I want everyone to “like” me.
80). I don’t have any enemies.
81). I made almost all the curtains in my home.
82). I like to sew.
83). I love to decorate.
84). I want to be in business for myself.
85). Both of my brothers are successful entrepreneurs.
86). I envy them.
87). I hate white frosting, Twinkies, and Ho-Ho’s, they make my mouth itch.
88). I spent two weeks in Tokyo, Japan visiting my sister and her family and loved every minute of it.
89). I want to go back again.
90). I want to travel more, and often.
91). I want to take better care of myself.
92). I wanted to play the violin, but my mom made me play the clarinet, and I purposely failed 8th grade band because of it.
93). Did I mention I am extremely stubborn?
94). I hate being told what to do, or how to do things “better.”
95). Don’t make a bet with me, unless you want to loose ;)
96). I have naturally curly hair.
97). I hate to straighten it, but I like it that way too.
98). I believe our souls live many lives which clashes with how I was raised, but maybe both views are right, just historically absent from one another.
99). Each one of us has a purpose; I hope mine is to make people think, and then smile.
100). I am extremely disorganized.
101). I hate lists.

Frogs and Gin...Happy Labor Day 2005

It was a dark and stormy night….O.K., well maybe it wasn’t stormy, but it was dark. While driving back from my sister’s cabin, and dodging thousands…O.K. maybe not thousands…hundreds…O.K., maybe not hundreds…twenties of road crossing frogs, one finally met it’s match with the Cabrio. We actually felt the poor guy hit the car, that’s right, we actually FELT it…poor Kermit. So, the next day I made Josh look to see if there were any frog guts on the front of my car and this is what he found.


I couldn’t look…it was much too gruesome…it’s poor little frog foot dangling from the underside of my Volkswagen…it was tragic.

In other news, my niece was married last Friday in a beautiful ceremony and reception at The Great Hall in St. Paul. Everything was running smoothly until Josh asked my 19-year old nephew to get me a glass of “White Zin (disclaimer: I’m not a fan, nor do I personally prefer drinking “White Zin”…and to this day swear I was set up…it was sabotage). And when he came back with a glass of GIN? Well, that’s when it all went down hill from there. I’m not kidding you, he came back with a GLASS OF GIN. I was later told by my cousin who was standing nearby that when the bartender asked, “Are you sure you don’t want a glass of White Zin?” His response, in his most educated authoritative “I am old enough to know” tone was “No, I want a glass of white gin.” No, tonic, no nothing…it was just gin. My cousin convinced him to throw in a twist of lime, and I was on my own…it was just me with my glass of gin. My brother (the Bride’s father) walked by and was real pleased to see that I was taking advantage of the open bar by drinking full glasses of gin.

After a glass of gin, one cannot just stop drinking, right? So I preceded to have a few more glasses, this time with some tonic and was at the end of the night feeling a little good, but not good as in who’s that drunk girl, good…good as in I have a nice gin buzz good.

On the way home I was forced in the back seat of Josh’s mom’s Murano, and what happened while driving down West 7th street? Yup, we were pulled over. Pulled over because apparently the Nissan Murano is the only new vehicle without daytime running lights. The policeman asked Josh if he had been drinking, which he replied, “No” and to his defense he really wasn’t. He only had a few beers at the beginning and his mom doesn’t drink, they were actually taking care of my Great Nephew the entire night. So the cop took his license and ran it, came back, and asked AGAIN if he had been drinking, to which he replied again, “No.” The officer then said, “…because I can smell alcohol coming from your vehicle.” To which Josh and his mom both replied in unison while pointing in the back seat “It’s her.” Yup, I was called out as the one who smelt like a huge distillery in the backseat and apparently I was trying to contain my laughter and couldn’t disguise the huge grin on my face…it was sad.

So, the five-o made Josh get out of the car and do a field sobriety test, which he passed with flying colors and we were on our way…stupid headlights.

Holy Saucy Batman!

MAN! That Aqua Cardio Class sure worked some magic! Enough magic for the folks over at Maxim to name me as one of the "Sexiest Women Of..." er...a...1999! Woo-Hoo!

Ok, so maybe that's not my body, and maybe it belongs rather to Rebecca Romain Stamos, and maybe Josh had something to do with it, like oh, 5 years ago...and maybe a little photoshop was used...but COME ON, can't a girl dream? ;)

Electrical Transformer, 4; Squirrels, 0

There’s nothing like waking up to the sound of a squirrel frying itself on an electrical transformer that resides three houses down. It’s actually kind of poetic, but sad at the same time. Looking out the window, the sparks flying through the air, reminiscent of some sort of sick 4th of July spectacular…and I have to tell you, If I were a squirrel I’d totally want to go out that way. Pissing everyone off as I fry myself on the electrical box that powers a block full of Minneapolis homes…”This is for running over my cousin in your fucking Volkswagen…zzzzzzzz.”

You see, this squirrel thing has become quite an epidemic the past few weeks with this morning’s causality racking up 4 dead squirrels and 6 trips from the electric company. You’d think they could figure out a way to prevent this from happening…apparently the squirrels continue to one up the folks at Excel energy.

I used to think my squirrels were smart. Being able to figure out how to get into the “squirrel proof bird feeder” my father made me. And then when they started to grow their own corn in my yard from the seeds in the bird feeder I was dumbfounded. I had officially announced that I was living with the smartest breed of “City Squirrels” this side of the Mississippi. And then it happened…about a month and a half ago when the first “Kamikaze Squirrel” decided to meet its fate with the transformer. And then a week later, another…and then another, and now this morning…another. Are they going crazy? Is it some sort of sick squirrel protest to keep us from enjoying electricity? Have we finally met our match…is this a sort of “Dooms Day” approaching where the squirrels finally start taking over the world, one electrical transformer at a time…I guess we’ll soon find out.

Namaste

It’s been awhile since I’ve written something about myself, mostly for fear I’d bore you to death because nothing has really been going on.

Glad to see I’m leading in the “Most likely to die in a freak accident” pole to your right. Thanks for that.

I’ve been seeing this holistic chiropractor to try and figure out what’s wrong with me, and after he put my tendon back on my shoulder that’s been better, and now come to find out after an MRI that I have chondromalcia in my knee which has everything to do with my body being out of whack and running 5 miles a day (in my better days) on a body that’s out of whack. He said he’ll have me running again in no time…we’ll see. So, that’s kind of depressing…living with pain. I’ve been given an exercise plan that has me doing hundreds of “wall-squats” a day. Whenever my knee feels tight I’m supposed to drop what I’m doing and wall squat. Which has me wall squatting at all sorts of weird places…in my kitchen, against the garage, in my bedroom when I wake up in pain at 2:30 in the morning…in the bathroom at a dealership…the list is endless.

So, I’m thinking of taking up Yoga again. I tried it a dozen times, you know, the Bikram kind where you’re in a 105 degree heat controlled room for 90 minutes and you learn that sweating is the best thing you could ever give yourself. It was quite relaxing, and a break from my regular balls-to-the-wall cardiovascular, I’m a crazy exersize-a-holic routine. But needless to say I have to get back to the gym, where lately I’ve been donating my $66 a month. Besides, they offer yoga and pilates classes at my gym…I just need to take advantage of them. That’s my goal for the rest of the year, spend more time at the gym and on my well-being.

Anyway, I think I actually need to relax more…maybe that’s my problem. Any ideas? What do you do to relax?

Everone, meet Sir Edward. Ed belongs to my good friend Jessica and is an 8 month old Boston Terrier with a major addiction to humping anything and everything that exists, incuding, but not limited to poor, poor, Lola.

Last night Ed came over to play (or hump...I'm really not so sure of his doggie motives) with Lola and immediately upon his entry into the house took to humping her head. The humping then proceeded to the sofa, the kitchen, the deck, and consequently the back yard. It was like I was trapped in some sort of weird canine brothel and so was my dog.

Now, I'm trying to put myself in Lola's position and compare Edward to a person, someone like this guy.



And then I became horrified, not only for Lola, but myself as well. Can you imagine being chased around the yard by a guy that looked like that trying to hump you? It's TERRIFYING! Is this instance of doggie lust going to somehow emotionally scar my sweet Lola for life? Am I a bad dog parent? I feel terrible that I let this happen, and I even pointed and laughed at times...for shame.

Jenni's Brush with Death, Part II

I am still trying to get over the fact that I almost died...twice...a few days ago. Well, Ok, maybe I didn't almost die, but I could have been severely mamed, and in one case I was...well, maybe not severely. Here, have a look for yourself.

The following nature pictures were taken from my car at approximately 3:09 in the afternoon. Notice how dark it is.



In this next picture it's actually ligtning. Do you know how dangerous lightning can be? Especially when you're sitting in your car with a complete set of golf clubs in the trunk...death by nine iron. Not fun.


This one was taken while I was driving. Note: I can't see anything. At all.



Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it does. That night I came home and was planning on making some grilled eggplant with pesto sauce and saffroned jasmine rice. In order to make the pesto I had to get my Cuisinart from the cabinet above my built in microwave which is above my stove. I was on my tippy toes struggling to get it down all in one piece when this (see below)

fell out of the cupbord smashing into my poor little nose on the way down. In an instance that will forever be called "Maming by Cuisinart." See Photo:

As you can see there is a nice size gash on the right side of my nose, visible to anyone who looks at me. I am scared, and my near-death experiences have caused me to be a little more careful around severe thunder storms and kitchen appliances.

Until next time death...I bid you adieu.

P.S. The reason this is part two is because it's a sequel to The Day I Almost Died...duh! GOSH!

29 going on 90...

Aqua Cardio
A cardiovascular conditioning class in the pool. The water provides an atmosphere for training, which eliminates the impact on the joints. (Multi Level)

I hurt my knee which has decided to fill with fluid therefore temporarily banishing me from my normal cardio workout. I went to my gym's website to try and find a class that will allow me to keep some range of motion, but will be easier on my knee. I saw they offer a class in "Aqua Cardio." I clicked on the link and the above photo and description came up. I'm serious.

Shit, they may as well have my walker and a Darts bus ready to take me back to The Home when I'm finished with my workout.