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Tuesday, February 08, 2005

2004 Darwin Awards

My profound A.D.D does not allow me to get through the instructios for the site meter...I may have to contract it out to Josh.

I've attached the latest "Darwin Awards" for your reading pleasure. Actually, I've posted them because they make me look really, really smart and allow myself a little redemption from the treasure hunt debocle....enjoy!



Subject: DARWIN AWARDS 2004They are finally out again. In case you don't know it's an annual honorgiven to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winne rwas the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over ontop of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And thenominees this year, in reverse order, are:

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached inits place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was, for reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause ofhis suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft andcrashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee off a 70 ft. railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accosting Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord thathe assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was"Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to strattle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his thresholdof pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him,the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were theweakest link. Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer,while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course. Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

Act like you know what you're doing and maybe it will help."



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